Curtains

I used to know this old scarecrow
He was my song, my joy and sorrow
Cast alone between the furrows
Of a field no longer sown by anyone

I held a dandelion
That said the time had come
To leave upon the wind
Not to return
When summer burned the earth again

Cultivate the freshest flower
This garden ever grew
Beneath these branches
I once wrote such childish words for you

But that's okay
There's treasure children always seek to find
And just like us
You must have had
A once upon a time

--- "Curtains" by Elton John




Signing off

We Both Win

I am going to give you credit here. You did it, your last year. It annoys me to no end, however, in reality, I don't care anymore. I didn't watch any of it, I didn't read anything about it, I haven't watched any video of your celebration or anything.

I wish you had floundered, but you finally came back your last year. So there, there is your kudos, there won't be any more, take it or leave it.

In fact, I hope you STAY a Yankee, because the Yankees suck and you deserve to be in that ugly outfit. How's that for turn around? On a related note, I saw a picture of you and Barbie drunk with the carpet shirt on and her little hand gesture. lol, that's fine. You both looked ridiculous, but who cares anymore.

AND... So you win. And I win too, because I am so done with it all, thank goodness. What a boat anchor. I am free.

AND... So I say: "Best of luck", not that you need it. You're one of those annoying people who get everything they want - lol - you just fall into shit.

AND... So... like I said, hasta la vista babay. With any luck you'll end up back in KC and boasting about how you always wanted to be a Royal after all. :D

Signed: Your former #1 fan, who still remembers when you were humble and adorable and no one barely knew who you were. Except for me. ;)
JTT

Catch & Release; Catch & Release

I did release you. Thinking I could get good karma to get the job I wanted.
I didn't get the job. so..

heretofore you are henceforth not released again.

Released.

All that I touch turns to gold and green: I am a magnet drawing prosperity. As my prosperity increases so does the prosperity of all those that I pay. I pray for the best for all those I pay. Money circulates freely in my life. I shall never be weary of doing the right thing, for when I least expect it I shall reap my rewards.

I don't need you, I don't waste any more of my energy on you.

Awwww

So I heard today you SAY (now) to your best bud/Boras shill, Jon Heyman that last year you ran away from Yankee training camp because you were going to quit, retire, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure the wife was thrilled hearing that.

Funny, I always thought it was sort of suspicious how you ran home when the Jason Grimsley thing hit the news... sort of a "I might have to format my hard drives and clean out the 5 bathrooms" type of deal.

Ah well -- I'm sure it was the former. I just think it's strange that you would tell Heyman that now. Well, true, I guess it wouldn't have exactly made you the apple of the Big Apple's eye back then, now would it? As in "I can't stand the idea of being a Yankee anymore, I am outta here." But I'm sure that wasn't it, at least you certainly won't admit that. YET.

And I'm sure it wasn't the steroids thing. Uh uh.

Just very strange that it is coming out now. Maybe that was your 'stinger' coming out - you'd had it. Or maybe your feelings were hurt by Cashman or somebody, because he is still (as of yesterday) blabbing about how you showed up in such poor shape last year. Either way -- vedddy interesting.

-----------------------------

Now let's have some fun here in these doldrums of winter.
I just took this test and it seems pretty accurate, I think we should all take this.

Your Karaoke Theme Song is "I'm Too Sexy"

You're a total goof ball and a bit of a nut job. You don't take yourself seriously at all. And while you may not be the greatest singer, you're the first to volunteer for karaoke. You have a wild and unpredictable sense of humor that always gets people cracking up. Irreverent and rebellious, your humor knows no bounds or limits. You enjoy shocking people. You might also sing: "Like a Virgin," "Ice Ice Baby," and "Hey Ya!" Stay away from people who sing: "Sweet Home Alabama"

What's Your Karaoke Theme Song?

I would definately sing "Like A Virgin" -- that would be fun, actually. lol
After about 5 golden margeritas.

Johnny Damon Backs Another Loser

Giuliani's campaign bus took a detour from its two-day, eight-stop tour of Florida for a visit to the Daytona International Speedway. Aides assembled the press traveling with him in the grassy infield, setting up the camera shot they wanted — pictures of his giant "Florida is Rudy Country" bus tearing around the track and across the black-and-white finish line.

The big coach roared past the media pack, not at race speeds but fast enough to keep from tipping over on the banked track. Giuliani grinned in the front passenger seat.

No one was in the stands, though Giuliani — clad in his typical suit and tie — did mingle with a couple of dozen drivers and crew members.

Not much help for his campaign in Florida, where he is fighting for political survival.

So was it time well spent? Giuliani clearly thought so.

"We're changing the schedule — we're going to drive around all day," he said as he walked among the stock cars and their keepers. He said it only added to the fun he had in the morning, which the longtime New York Yankees fan spent with outfielder Johnny Damon, who endorsed Giuliani at a small Orlando rally, and Sunday, when actor Jon Voight rode his bus for a day.
Giuliani said one thing he's learned while campaigning is that "NASCAR is a great sport." Daytona is a common stop for politicians, a way to appeal to stock car fans.

This is SOOO PERFECT. You have now entered the political fray and found your PERFECT CANDIDATE, Johnny!!! Just like every decision you've made in the last few years, I bet your reasoning was 'he is awesome.' This is too funny -- you know what this is? This is "Johnny Damon's Arod in a Yankee Hat on New Years Eve Moment".

This is you saying "See? I'm such a New York guy now, I even support MR. 9/11!!" Even though he has no chance, no qualifications, and ... did you even know he is a traitor too??? YES, JOHNNY!! You have SO MUCH in common!

He used to be a Democrat!!! Yes!!! The irony, the significance! LOL!

An Enclavian asked "I wonder what a presidential candidate would think about being endorsed by him if he read 'Idiot' and knew about how he cheated on Angie, etc.." I'm like OMG, are you kidding!? Just another reason why Guiliani is Johnny's Perfect Candidate! And he's been married three times! Not only did Guiliani marry his second cousin, and eventually divorced her, he remarried and it is well, well known that he was unfaithful during his first two marriages including -

Beginning in 1996, Giuliani and Hanover's (his second wife) public relationship became distant, with Hanover appearing at few public events.[163] In 1997, a Vanity Fair article reported that Giuliani had a romantic relationship with Cristyne Lategano, the mayor's communications director.[164] The mayor and Lategano denied the allegations. On Father's Day, 1995 Giuliani had told reporters that he was returning to Gracie Mansion to play ball with Andrew. However, he instead went to City Hall, to a basement suite with his press secretary. Three hours later, Hanover, angered, appeared at City Hall; yet a mayoral aide prevented her from entering the suite.

Giuliani met Judith Nathan, a sales manager for a pharmaceutical company, in May 1999 at Club Macanudo, an Upper East Side cigar bar; he took the initiative in forming an ongoing relationship that was kept secret for almost a year. Beginning in summer 1999, costs for his New York Police Department security detail during weekend visits to her in Southhampton, New York were charged to obscure city agencies. In early 2000, Nathan began getting city-provided chauffeur services from the police department. By March 2000, Giuliani had stopped wearing his wedding ring, and his and Nathan's appearances together at functions and events became publicly visible but not mentioned in the press. In early May 2000, the New York Daily News and then the New York Post broke news of Giuliani's relationship with Nathan. Giuliani first publicly acknowledged her on May 3, 2000, stating that Nathan was his "very good friend."

He also is of such high moral character, that he announced publicly at a press conference that he was separating from his wife. And... yeah, that's how SHE found out. Great Guy!!! I want him to lead my country!! "What. Didn't I tell all youse guys that they are sending nuclear missles this way? Well, now you know."

Hey, I wonder if this was before cell phones were getting common, because I'll bet he tried your little trick too -- having a separate one for... eh, everyone who wasn't your WIFE. Hey, you admitted it in Idiot, don't blame me.

Yes, YES Johnny. Those highlighted passages in there -- yes, indeedy, that's the man I want for PRESIDENT. A man who cheats, repeatedly, and arrogantly, no less, and uses city municipal services to aid him in his indiscretions -- at the expense of the taxpayer! What a Great Guy!

It's not BAD ENOUGH -- that he USES the tragedy of Sept. 11 as his vehicle. Because.... he has nothing else.

Johnny: I keep thinking you are going to surprise me again. That you are going to SURPRISE me, and SHOW ME that ... you really were the person I thought you were once, a long, long time ago, but.. alas, no. You continue to PROVE that


....well -- let's just say it's one or all of these things that made you get up and stump for Rudy Guiliani in ORLANDO. When you actually LEAVE YOUR OWN TOWN AND STUMP FOR HIM, then we know you are sincere, but I THINK


....it was Free & Easy FACETIME.

....it was a locally available and ridiculously convenient SUCK UP TO NEW YORK CITY opportunity -- it was your AROD IN THE YANKEE HAT ON NEW YEARS. (ie: laughable! "it's off season, but I'm still here, remember me?? I'm still a Yankee too!")

....you wanted to be CHUCK NORRIS to Guiliani's HUCKABEE.
"Wow, that's cool, Chuck Norris, he's getting lots of press and facetime from this and he's a C or D Lister like us!" I can just SEE those wheels -- excuse me, that little hamster wheel turning in your head.


.... you heard he'd be at a NASCAR track and were probably one of the few people on the sideline and thought "I have truly found my candidate! Dude, I totally wonder if he is a Pro Wresting guy -- maybe he's an ASHLEY fan just like me!?"
(something very disturbing and familiar about that photo... nahhhh ... hmmm) *blinks/rubs eyes*

Sad. Totally sad. I stated below that you were OBVIOUSLY a Republican. I just didn't know you were a lousy one on top of that!


Finally:

By March 2007, The New York
Times and the New York Daily News reported that Rudy Giuliani had become estranged from both his son Andrew and his daughter Caroline, missing major events in their lives, such as graduations, and sometimes going long stretches without talking to them, and that neither of them was taking part in his presidential campaign.
Caroline uses her mother's surname, Hanover, rather than Giuliani's, and according to reports, she did not inform Giuliani when she was accepted to Harvard.
Caroline apparently linked her personal Facebook page to a page related to the campaign of Democratic presidential candidate, Senator Barack Obama. After a slate.com contributor reported this link, Caroline removed it from her Facebook page.

I'd be careful emulating or idolizing someone like Rudy Guiliani too much, Johnny.



-----------------
lol okay another Enclavian just posted the video to your intro etc... words cannot say... Johnny, there are no words except



What happened to you? Where did you go? How could I have seen anything in you at one time?

On Gossage and HOF

from article: http://nymag.com/news/intelligencer/42840/

Now, of course, most pitchers’ waistlines have been Nautilused into oblivion (save the rotund and sainted David Wells), most facial hair has been tidied up (where have you gone, Johnny Damon’s beard?), and even the shortstop is a strapping six-foot-six lad who can easily launch 45 home runs. In other words, baseball’s become just another arena for look-alike freaks of nature—or as we’ve recently been reminded, freaks of chemistry. Gossage, by contrast, was a regular guy who made good on a single, God-given gift: throwing tiny spheres very hard. Everything else—the nickname, the intimidating aura, the immortal ’stache—he concocted merely as fan-pleasing enhancements, back when baseball still seemed like it was played by regular guys, and enhancements wasn’t yet a dirty word.

Tut tut. Sellout.

Hey, Just Wait Til Next Year

As a Red Sox fan, I know all about that saying!! At least -- in the past. Man, it is SO AWESOME being a Red Sox fan these days! Heck, not just Red Sox but to be a BOSTON sports fan is... well, I feel like we are finally getting our due, we are finally get what is coming to us, after years of watching, waiting, heartache.

YEAH. It is AWESOME being a Boston fan right now.

PATRIOTS

CELTICS


and how 'bout those Red Sox? Huh!


See, I could've come right over here and rubbed it in about how you missed out on winning another World Series ring - if only ... well, what? You hadn't been so greedy or manipulated by your lying agent? And others? Perhaps?

I wonder how that Moment felt -- that moment when your ex-beloved-team (the one you really wanted to stay with) won it again? When Papelbon flew straight up into the air?? Did your heart leap? Were you happy for them? Or did your heart cave in just a little.. did you feel it sink to the pit of your stomach... just a little bit.. I think so. Because I know you were watching... you were watching..

It could've been YOURS. Right?
You know that.

You bragged all year about how you were on "the best team" and "we really think we are still the best team" and ... yeah, saying that when you were ALREADY HOME FOR THE YEAR!!! LOL!! JOHNNY!! That is funny, it is so ridiculous. NO, no, Nooo, my Darling, you are NOT the "best team" when YOU are home and four other teams are still playing... that's not how it works. That's not how "it rolls". lol

It wasn't a quirk, the Yankees being out again in the first round. It was never a quirk. You WEREN'T the BEST TEAM -- not ALL YEAR!! Didn't cha notice? You never had the pitching -- from DAY ONE. (ah yes, Day One -- Johnny out with cramps.. that was interesting too...)

I just can't tell you though how happy we all are that you got what you asked for, got your money -- you get NO RING. It's JUST ONE RING for you, Johnny. Just ONE. So that the rest of your life when you look at that -- you see RED. RED, BABY.

RED.


--------------------------------------------------------------------

So many things to say -- like.. how you've disappeared. Oh, I don't mean just how your "hotness" has disappeared, my gosh, that is lonng gone -- but you and.. the little woman -- thought you were going to be the toast of the big apple town, and maybe you were for about a minute and a half -- but now -- nothing.

You're nothing.

You are considered (by your own fans) a liability.
JOHNNY! YOU LOST YOUR CENTERFIELD JOB.

How did that feel?? Not good, not if I know you! (and I do) Not Good At All!!

How did it feel to be the talk of trade rumors right away?? Not Good? Hey, I think you wouldn't even mind a trade - you probably want out. Away from those losers.
Talk about feeling "disrespected" -- being traded?? Even being discussed as traded?? I'd think that is a more kick in the groin than your last team offering you TEN MILLION a year to stay where you were a hero.

You'd still be one.

Kinda sad when you think about it that way, isn't it? Because it's true. You wouldn't be in the lousy shape you were in, I don't think, if you'd stayed here. But we'll never know, will we?

So you're invisible, unless you foray out to your *shiver* entertainment pastimes - ie: NASCAR or WRESTLING. Holy Christ, wtf happened to you, were you always this lame? LOL

Yeah, wrestling. Yeah, that's... that's real cool. I mean -- you ONCE WERE THIS:







and now you're







and


Nice chick, Johnny! Really HAWT, I'm sure you think. While the rest of the world laughs.

...........

Which one is the real you, Johnny? Which one.
Do you know?

Because I think I do -- I sure as heck don't think you were that rock n' roll dude -- but.. that's ok, how sexy was that, huh? Man, it was KISMET. You had such an aura of charm, simplicity and honesty.. gosh, too bad you took a big dump on all that..

Are you NASCAR guy?
Are you PRO WRESTLING guy?
ROCK guy? COUNTRY guy? As usual, always hear different things to different interviewers. Chameleon? No, I don't think so -- just lost.

WHAT are you. WHO. Who, What -- WHATTT????


There's a hole inside you, that is going to be there forever.
You'll never admit it (or maybe you will...)
but it's that little hole called regret. Because you know now - you let it all go, get away. Yes, you still have a lot, but you won't have lived the greatest you could have. Well, I guess we all have to live with that at some level, huh? Welcome to the real world, I guess. You're right, you still have it pretty good - at least financially.

It's also pretty funny how you're other half (note: not better) has fallen off the planet too - guess she realized she wasn't exactly ready for prime time, and vice versa. Thank God. I do hope she is home reading to your baby, or doing something useful.


--------------------------------------

Mike Lowell: Wanted to stay a Red Sox. Decided not to push it, is staying for less years than he wanted. He is happy. His family is happy. Bravo Mike Lowell.

WANTED TO CONTINUE TO BE A WINNER.

--------------------------------------

Schilling is in his final year (years) and knows it.
Schilling doesn't have Borass as his agent.
Schilling is fairly intelligent.
Schilling cares about his family's happiness and apparently they love it here.
Schilling has three rings and nothing to prove.
Schilling understands the idea of going out on top.


Lowell is intelligent too.
Lowell is finally getting the respect and notice he deserves and can thank coming to Boston for that.
Lowell has his one shot opportunity to make the big bucks and he should take it.
Lowell has a two rings and not much to prove.
Lowell does not have Borass as an agent.


Johnny did it because he thought and was convinced that he was a STAR and had STAR POWER and that New York was his next stepping stone to a post baseball career, along with his wife.
Johnny is not bright and easily manipulated.
Johnny has Borass as his agent and mentor/father figure.
Johnny still doesn't get it and never will.
Johnny does not end up going out on top.

I haven't come here for quite a while -- I'm not sure why -- too busy, perhaps, and.. the 'urge' just isn't there anymore, you are fading -- faded, from me, and that's good. Not completely, obviously, because.. here I am back again.

Coming around again.

Mr. Irrelevant

What ever happened, Johnny? Do you ever lie in bed at night and wonder that? Surely -- surely, the money is not quite enough compensation for your demise in significance...

I mean, I would think it would be very difficult for a person, any person, to be king of a town -- and then be a pauper in another.

It's one thing if you are forced into the degradation, but choosing it.. to have such high hopes -- to think you are going to soar even higher (like Icarus) ~~ yet -- to be the perpetrator of your own demise...

What does that feel like a 3 am, looking at the ceiling?

I'm not being mean, I'm being honest... because I know you have had these feelings - these thoughts.

I used to think you were an honest man -- that was one of the reasons I fell for you, I think why everybody did... that is your 'rep' -- that you speak honestly, but... I wonder now. When you speak now, it is nothing but 'by rote'

rote 1 (rt)
n.
1. A memorizing process using routine or repetition, often without full attention or comprehension: learn by rote.
2. Mechanical routine.
3. Learning so as to be able to remember verbatim; "the actor's memorization of his lines"

and your hardest job is to plug in the correct team, the correct city, for the current situation ... it all means nothing, "every place you play is great, it's 'awesome', you want to win, we need to play better, the manager is inspiring, you can learn a lot from Team mate X, the fans are great..."

But things aren't really great -- as that dope on Surviving Grady might say "Being Johnny Damon. Does. Suck" right now. You are only into your second season in your Dream City *yawn* -- and you have long since LOST your coveted, glamourous Center Field Position, Johnny!!! YOU!

How silly did you look talking about your "sexy calves" and then those same "sexy calves" let you down, over and over?? Not so sexy. Well, sexy for US, but not for mfyfs. And PLEASE refrain from using the term 'sexy' when referring to that red-faced sweating buddy of yours, Giambi. That seriously turns one's stomach.

But I digress!!


You're sitting. You're sitting and... you're watching. You're watching the games from the dugout...

What happened, Johnny? You know what I think? What I've seen a LOT of people saying? That you are SO miserable in New York, and with 'other' aspects of your life, that maybe you are suffering psychosomatic symptoms...

You maybe try to convince yourself that all of this was inevitable, chance, bad luck.. I know I've seen a ton of people say "see, the Red Sox were right, he was ripe to break down and they knew it.." I don't know if I agree with that. Personally, I think if you were still here, not only would you still own center field, but...

you'd be pretty much fine physically. Because - you'd be happy still. You'd still be SMILING - that true and beautiful smile that came so easily... it's not there anymore. Everything looks forced - you look hardened. It's very sad for me to see, very sad for a lot of us. Sort of redeeming, mind you -- but.. for me it's sad.

It's sort of like I predicted at the beginning of this blog - my little picture of a guy with a chair -- taming a lion in a cage... how I hated to see that proud lion shorn and the spirit beaten out of him. I kind of feel like that has happened. And it makes me very sad.

You were such a romantic character here. Let me just say, that if you had had GOOD advice, and not just from people who wanted the Instant Gratification of money and perceived fame... I really believe you could've built a persona of yourself that you could have taken with you for the rest of your life - and capitalized on it.

Just for example, when I see that show coming on "Cavemen" or whatever it is -- lol -- I feel like both they and you missed the boat on cameo appearances there... it would've MADE the show, it would've been great. I guess you could go on there as a sort of 'depressed metrosexualed caveman' and advise the others to not allow themselves to be corrupted and lose their identity, but... Boreass wouldn't like that would he? Oh wait, no, he would - he'd get a cut... hey - if you do it, just remember me - my idea, I get a cut. LOL

Ah well -- anyway, I'm at work and bored, no one's here, so I ended up here and just wrote off the cuff. I don't come here much anymore... it is what it is... as you would say. I have a friend who has a friend that said she met you at a bar on a road trip. Apparently when she informed you she was a Red Sox fan, you said "Get over it."

That doesn't sound like you, but... maybe that is the new you. And again, that makes me sad. Sounds like YOU are the one who can't 'get over it'. lol

Couple other interesting tidbits from that friend of a friend from that night, but... I am not going to go into that - don't want to cause any trouble - let's just say that sometimes the payback for doing a certain thing comes back to bite you the same way... I'll just leave it there. Well, I will just add that when you left after you were 'summoned' by phone call -- the Yankees you were sitting with were laughing about 'the old ball and chain'. Oh dear. Boys will be boys, eh Johnny? Now don't go and shoot the messenger, darling.

Well, probably just best to pretend that everything is ok -- there is no pink elephant in the room. Just ignore.

Gonna go for now. If I stay bored, maybe I'll think of some other things to say to you, to tell you. Why do I still care??

Damned if I know. Can't 'get over it' I guess. ;)

Poof!! * Wish Granted

“I know my body, early in the season, didn’t allow it, but there are a lot of things I want to accomplish in this game.

“Obviously, winning a championship is first and foremost, and that’s the reason I signed here.

Wish granted, darling! You already did!! Remember??



Now, I'm sorry I can't get you your center field job back -- at least not yet, but.. we'll see. We'll see where you are next year. ;)

Half Way to the Half Way Point

:)


Yeah, so people keep telling me I'm not keeping up with this. There has just been too much to say. Too many topics to comment on.

I guess I'll start anywhere....


Moving, huh? You finally GOT your way and want out of the city that you pretended you "loved" so much. How great it was to be in the "middle of everything". Dearest Johnny, you can't fool us. We knew all along it wasn't your idea to move into the glass castle...

Wherever you move (hopefully completely out of New York)... I shall picture you fondly standing at your grill. Acting like a man again. What a sweet scene.

About had it with the metrosexual life? Darling, I can't blame you, so glad to hear it. OH I KNOW that if questioned, as always, you will say the (regionally) politically correct thing to keep the heat off, to try and raise you in the eyes of your current fans. I know that, we know that -- and I think even the mfyfs are realizing it too. You do what you gotta do, dearest.

Wish I could say how sorry I am that you have not been able to perform for the enemy this year, but... that would be disingenuous and I try to be the one not to fill your sweet (but verry impressionable) head with lies. That's why I'm here, remember?

A touchstone to the reality of what is around you.

At least as perceived from a member of RSN who.... still cares. Yeah, it sucks being me, but.. someone's got to do it. :D

I said I would. And I always keep my word.

---------------
I need to fix my music again somehow. No time to try and figure out why it went away! I often hear songs that I would like to put up on it...
ah well, life marches on. Thankfully - you are going further and further back on the burners in my life, and that is GOOD. For me.
---------------


What else was there to mention? OMG -- yes, the eeriness of seeing Jacoby Ellsbury out in center. What a dynamite kid!!! He. JUST. reminds me of you -- a younger you than when you came to Boston. Hey, I've always admitted it, when you came here, I had never heard of you! lol But you quickly became my favorite (not easy, my friend) by your hustle and play. I didn't even really know what you looked like (except your... physical countenance :) --- and again, I'd be lying if I said that didn't help to factor in my ... appreciation of your game. *smile* )

Anyway -- just a nice tip of the cap to the past to me -- to see Jacoby out there. Hustling his ass off, playing hard, trying to "make the team"... still unspoiled, un-ruined (terrible non-word there,huh?), but hasn't been tainted quite yet with all of the money, the need for "respect", the strutting and feeling like he deserves a "certain type of life, a certain type of wife, a respectable enough image for the 'charity image' MLB insists on, and of course, future endorsements... but also being able to have whatever dark secrets one can get if no one sees... because you 'DESERVE IT ALL'. He'll be ruined, eventually enough -- probably pretty soon, he'll be a free agent at some time, somewhere, and then it starts. The bloated opinion of himself. It's one of the distasteful aspects of sports -- baseball in particular, I guess. Maybe because allegiances/betrayals are felt more strongly by fans...? Not sure. Maybe not. Probably just me. :)

But more money involved, that's for sure. Anyway, it's one of the inconsistencies of our world these days. It's part and parcel of my political attitude -- a Middle Class Revolution! What do you think? You know, you being a Republican (no, you've never said, but... hellooooo.. I think it's real obv, babe) you probably think the middle class is doing "awesome" but... we are the ones that go out and work hard all day, all year for this country - we do things right - we don't cheat on our taxes, we always GIVE when there is a need going unmet somewhere in this country - we are the multitudes that show up at MLB charity events -- we are the idiots that live vicariously through you guys... yet we are the ones getting totally SCREWED out here... going under. But.. no one cares because then there are people out there who are millionaires playing BASE. BALL. Or soccer or basketball or GOLF for God's sake. Or driving a stupid souped up car around an oval (and laughingly call them 'athletes') OR EVEN BETTER, and you'd know about this -- FAKE WRESTLERS. lmao!!

Ah, who cares -- you all can have your bountiful, fake and ultimately I bet to some extent, unsatisfying lives -- and the poor who do nothing but sit on their asses can be bailed out by the government... we in the middle will continue to do right by our own sense of dignity and just bail out the rest of you.

See why I don't come post? I totally ranted about nothing significant there. LOL!

All from Unspoiled Jacoby. All in good time. All in good time. I think you were like that once... right?


Came across this pic yesterday:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(not sure why blogger is screwing up my picture :( ) ah! fixed.

Such a nice reminder.. Gosh, I wanted Orlando Cabrera BAAAAD to be re-signed with us after 2004. Huge mistake. HUGE. I look at you there and the first thing I thought of was

"look how trim and happy and... not a cramp to be seen.."

I am referring to your statement that you told the Yankees that once you get under a certain weight you are prone to cramps... (???) -- and all I can say is I think you were like 190 here and I never EVER heard the word "cramp" mentioned in 4 years. But... like I said, you will say whatever you feel you need to say to keep the dogs off you. I understand.

Okay, onto another one of those things I would've liked to comment on as it happened but didn't... but since people are saying I should update...

Did the players walk around Baltimore's touristy Inner Harbor, which was teeming with Yankees fans as usual? Wang did. Damon didn't.

"We can't walk around in this city," Damon said. "There's too many fans."

Gee, Johnny, now you don't like fan interaction? And that was BALTIMORE. lol
Sounds to me like you are getting annoyed in NY, but you'd never admit that. You were all "oh yeah New York is the balls because we can walk down the street and no one bothers us, they've seen so much" -- yah baby, you just HATED being loved in Boston, didn't you? It sucked BIG TIME. lol

And I guess you still don't like all that love in Baltimore... well, hey, you like the ugly, negative New York attitude and attention now. That's great. That's good. Good for you. *eyeroll*

I also liked in that article you wrote:

(after you straggled in one of the last to show up on a game day)

Asked what he did with his extra time, Damon said: "I just chilled and jumped on the computer and relaxed."

Oh darling! How nice! I hope you put me in your Favorites.

Anyway, I hope you don't go visit that dump they call your website. Lack of attention isn't anything new in that dept. (hey, don't blame us, we kept the thing COOKING when we used to live there!) -- but... well, as you probably now have realized, mfyfs really don't know that much... ah well. Such is growing up with a sense of "entitlement". Your fans. Way to go.

Anyway, gotta go -- I just touched on the tip of the iceberg of things I've wanted to write about but this will have to keep my raging fan base happy for now. LOL!!

COMMENT!!!!!

Please Call Home

Take one last look before you leave
'Cause oh, somehow it means so much to me.
If you ever need me you know just where I'll be
Please call home if you change your mind.

I guess I saw it coming day by day
Oh, but I could not stand the failure
Before you leave, there's just one thing I must say
Please call home if you change your mind

Oh, and I know, you're used to running
You're lost baby and I ain't funnin'
If you call to me baby I'll come runnin'
Straight to your side
Again I'll confide in you

Boy, go ahead on, I won't say no more
My heart ain't in it but I'll hold the door
Just remember what I said before
Please call home if you change your mind
Please call home if you change your mind

----- Gregg Allman, "Please Call Home"



----------------------------
been too busy to write about all the things I would like.
But... hey at least you said you do use the computer...
I'm sure I am in your Favorites, right, dearest? HAHA
.. and the Red Phone nearby no doubt. lol

I'm going to try and come in and give you a nice lecture soon.
Spankings all around.
Fret not.
But now it's very late, and I am tired.

Buxom Blondes With Poles In The Stands

Mood: Annoyed and

Amused

 

I bet you took a double take or two though, there buddy! Just your type! In triplicate!

"What's amazing is the fans thought about what they were going to do all day instead of enjoying the nice weather," observed former Sox favorite Johnny Damon. "They worried about that all day . . . but hey, if that floats their boat, then that's fine."

How magnanimous of you. I doubt they 'worried' about it at all -- in fact, I'm sure it was a pleasurable and EASY thing to think about, for fans who pay over $100 for seats to make their day more fun!

But you seem to forget 'fun'. Remember how 'fun' it was that you and your own buxom blonde dropped (and stole) pumpkins from a high rise? That was FUN wasn't it?

At least no one could've been killed by a blonde mask.

Wake up, Johnny. You're a Yankee now, just like you wanted. You are tainted. You are not what you once were.

Pookie Bear Comes Home?

Couple interesting tidbits (or tibdits) the Enclave is following this week:

- Outfielder Johnny Damon could be an odd man out with the Yankees. If the Yankees decide to unload aging players, Damon's contract allows the Yankees a list of 12 teams for possible trade partners, one of the new Yankees deals that aren't solid no trades.

Damon on the move: According to sources in the Front Office, the Yankees are looking to trade Johnny Damon, and will shop him to one of the teams he put on his partial no trade clause. Damon hand picked tweleve teams that he would be willing to go to at the beginning of this season. A team that is looking to unload an outfielder and maybe a reliever or two should fit the Yankees needs.

Of course I don't believe for one moment that you are going anywhere, Pook.

But a girl can dream.


------------------------------------

You used to be the best
To make life be life to me
And I hope that you're still out there
And you're like you used to be
We'll have ourselves a time
And we'll dance til the morning sun
And we'll let the good times come in
And we won't stop til were done

We'll be back in the high life again
All the doors you closed one time will open up again
We'll be back in the high life again
All the eyes that watched us once
will smile and take us in

And we'll drink and dance with one hand free
And have the world so easily
And oh we'll be a sight to see
Back in the high life again

-- Steve Winwood

Johnny Damon's "Legacy"

Feeling: Contemplative...

More rainy days...

a wise Boston man once said:

Baseball breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face fall alone.

-- A(ngelo) Bartlett Giamatti

Been thinking a lot about you lately.

What the heck is with this calf thing? Um... tell your wife to massage it. I give my husband massages and 454 rubs all the time when he is hurting. We don't have paid trainers out here in Real World, you see -- so... someone who LOVES YOU has to help you out. Perhaps that is what is lacking here. Just my opinion.

I mean -- stretch the sucker. LOL -- hey, wait, what the hell am I giving you advice for? You're the enemy. No -- KEEP GOING OUT THERE AND PLAYING. That's what's best for it!

I mean, might it screw up her french manicure? Sure -- and I'm sure she's just exhausted after caring for the baby.. oh no, wait that's right you have a 'night nurse' -- must be nice.

Thought it was rather interesting and ... odd.. for Joe Torre to put in Andy Pettite the other night to bat instead of you... or was it Proctor? Anyway, this is what I was reading on the Game Day and was like

"Pitcher change: Scott Proctor replacing Andy Pettite, batting first replacing center fielder Johnny Damon"

"Defensive switch from right field to centerfield for Melky Cabrera..."

Ouch! Huh?

Putting a PITCHER in -- in a close game with a difference of ONE run?? Wow -- I'm assuming you were hurting and being "honest" as Joe Torre said you would be if you couldn't play, because.. really, how embarassing is that to be replaced by a pitcher in the 8th or 9th inning...

It must've also stung hearing Torre say things in the papers like

Melky Cabrera yesterday played center field for the Yankees, manager Joe Torre said, because he brings "energy."

What was left unsaid, but seems to be part of the thinking, is that Johnny Damon is not adding zest to the lineup.

Torre doesn't often criticize players, but reading between the lines, those comments seem to reflect the Yankees are frustrated by Damon's lackluster play this year. Since hitting .300 over the first two weeks of the season, Damon has gone 18-for-77 (.234) with just three extra-base hits and 14 strikeouts.

I know all of this has to be killing you. YET, there you were on Best Damn Sports Show saying how you were "enjoying the season" ---- ???? -----


Ah - whatever. lol You looked so damn cute, even though you are my total dumbass.
Take off that damned Yankees shirt. In fact, take off everything and come here for your whoopin'. lol J/K!!

LMAO


So -- WHY did I title this "Johnny Damon's Legacy" -- perhaps it is not a good title, but.. when I see what I saw this am, I have to wonder -- what happened to it?? I am reading ESPN Magazine and I see this FULL PAGE AD.

Click on that picture or the link and read it.

Now I am the first one to admit, I don't know all the Yankees' history, nor do I care in the least to know it. I know they certainly had a good run back in the past. I also know Buster Olney wrote a book called The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty - and .. I always believe Buster. LOL

Anyway -- back to the AD. Now here is an ad, which obviously is referring to a GAME 7 situation. That special situation which is like no other -- It's Win or Lose, Cry and Go Home or Shower in Champagne. Right?

What the hell does JETER have to do with being associated with a Game 7 situation? Or at least one that isn't in the historical past. What about




YOU




YOU --- to ME --- represent the ultimate Game 7 hero. Just think -- I bet you anything that Gatorade would've put YOU on there, with the great fantastic long hair and that beautiful pure white uniform instead of .... Jeter??? See, you're an afterthought in New York. In Boston... you would've certainly ELEVATED your status here and as a heroic model.

That should've been YOUR ad. YOU belong in it, but.. see, they can't put a Yankee in an ad, unless it's Jeter or Arod, Johnny.... :(

Boras should've told you that. But you've already figured out you got lied to, huh pookie. Well, I'm sorry, if you could've just heard me here yelling that day.. that day you hesitated when putting on that hat... I was saying

"Don't do it. DON'T DO IT."

Oh well. Grady Little didn't listen to me either. ;D




-------------------------------

One more thing -- speaking of they can't put a Yankee in an ad unless it's Jeter or Arod --

They can't VOTE Yankees on the All Star Team, sweetie, unless your name is Derek, Alex or Jason. Or Mariano. No doubt he'll be on there even though he is not what he used to be.. but then again - who is, right darling?

So, just one more little tidbit for you to ponder on your day off: If you'd been HERE -- you likely would've been voted to the All Star Team at LEAST once, maybe even twice more. Because it's a popularity contest. And you were uh..popular here, if you can remember.

Geez, we adored you.

I guess Scott didn't mention that either.

But hey, you've got all that money.


-----------------------------

click me baby

Johnny You're Not Doing Your Job!

Now Johnny, you know your job is to say things that will please everyone -- what is going on over there??

SEATTLE - With a lineup that has gone into hibernation, the Yankees are digging themselves a deeper hole on a daily basis.

If this trend continues, the Bombers may fall out of the American League East race by the time Roger Clemens arrives.

Then again, according to Johnny Damon, the Yankees' performance might not matter much if the Red Sox continue to be the hottest team in baseball.

"If the Red Sox keep playing the way they are," Damon said yesterday, "nobody is going to catch them."
Shocking words from Damon, who is typically one of the more optimistic voices in the Yankees' clubhouse. But after yesterday's events, who could blame him for feeling that way?

The Yankees wasted a terrific game from Andy Pettitte, falling, 2-1, to the Mariners to drop the rubber game of the three-game set. Just a couple hours earlier, Damon and his teammates watched the out-of-town scoreboard in amazement as the Red Sox scored six runs in the ninth to defeat the Orioles. Bottom line, they lead the Yanks by eight games.

"I looked up and couldn't really believe it," Damon said. "It seemed like the Orioles had the game convincingly. I thought they might have made a mistake, that it should have still been 5-0."

Well, technically, yes, they did make a couple mistakes, Johnny, they're called errors. But.. you know a little bit of luck and a very well balanced team that likes each other -- sometimes you can move mountains. Well - you remember that, don't you? You probably have it tucked away somewhere back there in that brain of yours -- that memory. That memory of playing for the Red Sox...

You of all people should know that this team can make magic. Just look at the fans, Johnny, remember all those fans that adored you once? Check out this scene, sweetie, feel free to take a close look at the highlights: Bottom of the 9th: the Red Sox are losing 5 - 0... one out .....

... take a look in the stands Johnny. Fenway is still packed. PACKED. Listen: you can still hear them chanting, cheering...

We win, SIX runs in the bottom of the ninth!


FAITH, Johnny.

RED SOX NATION, Johnny.


You can move mountains with that stuff -- remember?

Just Sweeping Up, darling...

What a lovely weekend I had. Finally, beautiful weather (even though it's so much colder here than in NY all the time, lol), crocuses are out - tough little buggers, were out before, got about a foot of snow dumped on them between two storms, and... when it melts, they are still there, beautiful and colorful, standing strong.

Strong! Speaking of strong!! Man, Johnny!!! HOW 'BOUT THEM SOX, DARLING.

Aren't they sumpthin'!! Coming back from behind over and over! Man, I am so proud of my team. The Greatest Team In The World. As always.

Too bad you can't be part of it.

But... hey -- you've got all that money, and the fancy schmancy APARTMENT, and all of the glittery dingle dangles (but.. no man-grill!!) and ... lots of phoniness around you... *pssst* - you can see it you know, how it has affected you. How you have finally absorbed all of the phoniness you (purposely) surrounded yourself with. It's sad.

And half the time you look sad. Dead eyes - someone said "where did the dimples go?" I'm like "jeez, yeah... haven't seen those forever." But... I don't get to see you really, so that's probably why. Do they still exist, I wonder? Or are they extinct like the other dodo? lol


Yes, you're a dodo. Yes, you are, I'm sorry - LOL.

But I digress. Let's talk about the Sox!!!

How did it feel in the skanky dugout when the Sox hit four homeruns IN A ROW last night!?? I bet you were a little bit proud inside, weren't you? That you, YES YOU -- had actually BEEN A PART OF the greatest team in the world at one time! That must've given you a nice, warm feeling -- privileged, huh. Yeah.. yes, that's understandable, dear.

It must be enjoyable now watching Afraud strut around the clubhouse like a jacked up Kentucky Derby winner.. perhaps the "Glow" around him has damaged some of your eyes... you might want to mention that to Joe "The Walking Dead" Torre. So freaking funny, last night they showed a shot of Joe standing in the corner, leaning against the wall, under the overhang, in the dark and my son says in this menacing, Frankensteinish voice "ARrrgghh!!! MUST STAY OUT OF THE LIGHT arrghhhhh!" LMAO - It was so perfect.

I know I sound snarky, but... just so damn enjoyable. A beautiful weekend. Wasn't it GORGEOUS at Fenway this weekend, Johnny? You felt a little pang, didn't you? Reminiscence? How much they used to love you?

You haven't felt that since then, have you? You know what I'm talking about. That literal physical sensation of love emanating from the bleachers, grandstands... washing over you like a warm breeze...

Colder in Boston than New York?? I think not, sweetheart.

You were our favorite. FAVORITE. Of all time.

-------------------------------

Mike Lowell, two home runs -- wow! Dustin Pedroia SAVING THE GAME IMO... coming up HUGE!! Man, he reminds me of a... eh.. shorter Trot. LOL

Jeter saying before the game something like "well, I've never seen him (Dice-K) but I've heard he's good." He never batted against him in the World Baseball Classic? Just wondering..

Have you seen the highlights? My GOSH, the expression on Manny's face when Lowell hit the third homerun in a row... Gee, Johnny, you'd never know that he wants to leave Boston so bad (as you said) -- because he SURE looked happy to be a Red Sox right then!!

Well -- you guys go and beat up on the Devil Rays, if you can. Lotta pressure now though, eh? I mean.. what if you don't?

What if you can't take care of the DEVIL RAYS... mmm mmmm ... your clubhouse is not going to be much fun then. You best pack your mini trike and red clown nose because

you are gonna need it, my friend. *wink*


----------------------------

I told you I'd blog your four years there. And I told you I'd tell you the truth.

----------------------------

okay

... just when I think that maybe you'll be able to come back here and people might clap for you -- since we're over it now -- it's waaay over and done, we've all moved on, we still have THE TEAM, OUR team (the one you didn't care about since.. ahem, you 'always wanted to be a Yankee', you little scumbag -- disingenuous jerk..) -- but just when I think that you could come in and be applauded for your contributions -- you (of course) have to go and spout and say things that will just get your ass booed again.

"It was a blessing in disguise for me," he said. "I'm thankful I'm not there ... playing in that colder weather.

"Having the chance to live in New York City and playing with these guys, seeing how this team conducts themselves, it's been a great experience."

Jesus, yeah, Johnny, it's sooo much colder in Boston than New York. Holy toledo, dude, you will say anything - whether it processes normal or not, huh? Just... spout.

You don't care. You never did.

And no matter HOW MANY TIMES (and Years) you try and spin it? THE SOX DIDN'T GIVE UP ON YOU, YOU GAVE UP ON THE SOX. YOU CHOSE IT. You've even said yourself (to ingratiate your fans because you're missing the 'LOVE' you had..) that you ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A YANKEE, SINCE YOU WERE WITH THE ROYALS. So there.

YOU blew it. You blew CHUNKS.. over your life. Over your legacy.

(edited because... hell, I don't know why the eff I am editing it - because I'm not that mean, I guess. I get so pissed sometimes. I see no point now to telling you what I/we/lots of people think about 'certain things' that I've not said before out of respect. Respect is diminishing, but ... I don't need to introduce that fishface'thing' in this blog.

Let's just say there's been a lot of jokes around about how you are out with a bad back and won't be in the 'sex swing' for awhile. idiots)

-----------------------

Hey, I'm sure you've seen this:
Betrayal

Funny how they call it "Betrayal"... this is all about you you know... well, of course that is glaringly evident. Funny though, still haven't seen any endorsements or commercials with you in it... thought you were going to get all these opportunities in NY.. isn't that what Boras and your family convinced you?

Heck -- Cano is getting commercials and all you can get is hitting a guy with a chair for "fake wresting". LMAO

oh wait - my bad, that's right, you said you have purposely turned down all of your endorsements... riiiight. AS IF.

hey

I'm sorry. I seriously thought I would just delete all that below. I was in a bad mood. Usually when I feel like telling you off I just... don't.
But..
Whatever, right? lol

'cause I really am not caring that much anymore. It's just sad to me.

Congratulations

Johnny Damon, who was held out of the lineup in a last-minute change of plan by manager Joe Torre, wasn't joking. He says the baseball season should open in the warm weather cities and domed stadiums, with home openers in places like New York coming about April 15.

"It could still be cold then," Damon said.

But the odds would be better for warmer weather.

"There's no reason to be playing in places like Cleveland and Chicago now," Damon said. "You look, Toronto hasn't played a home game yet. Tampa Bay opened on the road. There are at least 14-15 teams that could accomodate it."

Congratulations, Johnny. You're a True Yankee now. You've been pussified, metrosexualed, and you have no clue as to what baseball is about anymore, do you? How far you've fallen - you can't even remember --? BASEBALL. Kids all across this country -- LITTLE kids -- are playing baseball in sodden fields with little snow piles around the edges. Their parents are sitting huddled, or standing with parkas and hats and ... cheering. Cheering for their kids, cheering for the game. Little kids that don't complain about the weather - they are chomping at the bit to get out there and play -- no excuses!!! No restrictions, no dictates (no money!) -- just play ball! They can't stand it, not playing -- so they go out there. You used to be like that - didn't you?? - not anymore. All you do is bitch -- you bitch all the time now. You think everyone is listening and everybody cares but you just sound like a BITCH.

You are making $13 million dollars a year, you don't even have the RESPECT for the Yankees organization (which.. is fine by me - I love it, by the way) or the NY fans to come into the SEASON in shape (let alone ST) and you have the nerve to cry about how cold it is??

Jesus, Johnny - what the fuck happened to you?? Our warrior. Our hero.

I fully expect you to attempt some "unsportsmanlike act of cheating the likes of which none of us had ever seen" this year.

You're a freaking PUSSY. Soft living, Johnny, eh? Soft living makes you soft. You live in Bimbo Mansion South in high class Windermere and it's awww... too cold elsewhere... boo freaking hoo. Oh, by the way -- you ain't sexy anymore either, Johnny. And Giambroid -- LMAO at the idea that you two are "sexy" now -- is this your new thing? Lest you be losing some of your appeal?? (do ya feel it, Johnny? Do you literally FEEL it slipping away??) Jason Giambi is the antithesis of sexy. He is a slimy, greasy Vegas guy. Eww.. only gold digging tramps find that type sexy. See - I told ya I'd always tell you the truth...

But hey, keep telling him and yourself (and all of NY) that you're sexy. Maybe at least you'll believe it and... that... never mind. I don't go there. LOL

It saddens me that you have basically died.
But I am going to enjoy watching you fall.
I can't wait for the sequel: "Idiot II -- How I Fucked Up My Life For Money and What I Perceived As (or Was Told Was) Glamour."

How do you like this icon I saw on the internet somewhere... are you awake enough to realize just who it is in reference to? Oh, right -- you don't care anymore.

On an unrelated note, I see our swbell visitor doesn't work on Easter weekend.
Be sure and copy and paste this and send it along though, please. It's important.



------------


By the way, good for you, Kevin Millar and shutting up those stupid yank fans. And that Ultimate Dumb Ass, Michael Kaye for saying "why do they boo -- he wasn't that important on that team." (that magical team.. ) -- yeah, right, Dopey, and JOHNNY is the reason the clubhouse was so loose. That's why you bought him, but... you'll never get anything out of it because he WASN'T the reason it was so loose.

It was Kevin Millar. DUHHHHHHHHHHHH

Karma Crampin' Your Style?

I see everything,
I read everything --
and I don't post about it.

The Enclave dissects everything... everything.. you're our hobby, after all. You're my hobby for sure.

I'm probably the first person ever trying to literally dump their hobby... lol -- but I am. I guess that makes it more than a hobby, eh? Yeah -- it was an
addiction, it was. I've always admitted that. An ... obsession.

But it's lessened - alot, and that's good, I'm happy with that.

It makes it easier for me to desire that you do very poorly in New York. You deserve it, they deserve it (for stealing you), Boras deserves it (for manipulating you and everyone else) -- OTHERS... deserve it, for manipulating you into thinking you deserved the best, that they... deserved better.

Well you had the best, already. But you got blinded by greed. That's karma, baby.. that's BAD karma.

Cramps, pulls, pain, DL -- all that and... that new curse.... have you heard about it?
It's a real thing. I can see that now.. maybe your daddy was right... he DID say "it's going to be another Babe Ruth!"

Yeah, it is, and it's on YOU.

I'm sorry, but.. and I love you but you are going to spend some time on the DL.. and you aren't going to be what you envisioned.. what the Yankees were sold. It's so too bad, because... you could've been here, and you could've been loved (so much!) ... and great.. and a hero, forever -- you would've at least made it into the Sox Hall of Fame, and... who knows? Who knows.

We'll never know now, will we? No -- you're going to be a Trivial Pursuit question.. if that... always playing backup to Jeter, Arod, Giambi... even Posada, Matsui, Mussina, Pettite... heck, let's be real, you're just above Melky.. and.. well, if he does well in your absence this season...

Hey! You can always have your little schtick with the cart chasing a mascot!!
Get out your little red nose and do your bunny hopping! I'm sure that will endear you to the fans.

Let me remind you of this, Johnny, for we have been discussing it:

When you were here -- this was RSN's perception of you: steadfast - skilled - quick - diligent - tough - hard working -- and... quiet -- surprisingly... yeah you gave the rote spiels after every game -- took on the 'spokesman' role, which was so admirable to those of us in the know -- knowing how you had struggled with stuttering as a kid. Kevin Millar was the clown -- Manny, his accomplice. Big Papi's cheshire cat smile, Pedro -- being duct taped to a pole -- all the smiles, all the HUGS! You guys were the first guys to be doing that! These were the antics that endeared Red Sox Nation to that team. That most magic of teams.

And you were such a big part of it, but not as the funny man...! You were just... cool. You were just the cool guy. You were just you.... Yeah, when we were on our roll and you came out with the "Idiots" thing - the media took it and ran with it despite yourself .. and you got too blinded and greedy (and manipulated) to see that you had a built in marketing image you could've taken with you for LIFE. LIFE.

Idiot ---- Hair ----- BELOVED WINNER.

All three of those would have followed you your whole life... you could build a post-baseball career with that -- what follows you now?
Despite what you think, and despite what others around you tell you -- the things that you are associated with now are all negative..

that's so too bad because.... I don't think that was your plan.

You're embarassed today - you're a little scared.
YOU. LEFT. A. GAME. ON. OPENING. DAY. For 'cramps'... Jesus, Johnny! What has happened to you!??

You know what people are saying. I wish I could tell you that I want you to rally from this, but.. I don't. Because I can't wish well for you professionally, remember?? Because YOU WENT THERE.

ANYWHERE BUT THERE, Johnny. Anywhere but there. Remember hearing that?

You WILL NEVER SUCCEED THERE. EVER.

Believe it.

I do.

Dream # ... 5? .. 6??

I had another dream last night.... it's been a looong time... well, actually, I thought I had some kind of dream about you about a week and a half or two weeks ago, but... it was just an impression -- I couldn't remember anything about it.. doesn't that bum me out... ;)

I barely slept at all last night -- I maybe slept slept an hour, maybe two... but anyway, this is what I remember... and I remember, because... well, I went to bed, and couldn't sleep - but I dozed off and dreamt about you! What a nice surprise!!! Luckily, I woke up again and realized that the dream I had just had was a real dream and not a 'day dream' and I was pysched that I actually dreamed about you -- and I told myself to remember today! I remember laying in bed .. smiling. Smiling because I had had this great, REALISTIC dream. It was just like being with you -- the closest I'll ever get to actually meeting you.

This was it -- it was particularly CLEAR -- which is really cool... I mean, YOU were particularly clear.... I could see you really really well for a long time -- usually you are in and out -- or switch to someone else, or - disappear or ... have an orange pumpkin head. (lmao!) -- Seriously.

So I was in this store -- it was like some dept. store, or electronics store -- there were shelves of goods and an aisle going down the center at an angle to my right with shelves on both sides I guess.... I was just wandering around here for some reason -- and I look up and to the right and behind this row of shelves is a huge flat screen tv and I see to my delight that I can see you on it... but then, you're ... gone.... and I am like... glaring at it, squinting at it because I could've sworn I saw you or something that reminded me of you on that screen ... but there's something else on there, like a show or commercial.. ah! But there you are again! I am SURE that is you, I could tell you anywhere -- it is very faint, like, transparent and I'm wondering why am I seeing you lightly superimposed over the tv image?? So THEN I realize -- you are THERE - you are actually there behind this row of shelves! In front of the tv, actually, and looking up at it and you are being REFLECTED in the tv... and I'm like -- WoW!

Even better here is... I have the feeling already that we have met... we are like.. friends... it's not the first time I've met you, I KNOW you... and you know me... so I start to think about heading behind this row of tall store shelves but then you are moving on... and my path is blocked by a yellow barred gate or something -- (there's always something blocking me... ) -- it keeps me from just walking into the main aisle that goes to the back of the room with shelves on either side... you're on the move, mosying about and then I see you again, you are .. heading toward the far end left corner -- there's a door there to another part of the store or whatever and.. if you go through there... I know you're gone (I've done this before in my dreams -- followed you through rooms and even tho I am right behind you, you disappear, you are gone when I get through that door...)

You look ..... AWESOME -- by the way... I am taken aback yet again.... your hair is pretty long and nicely layered... gosh, you're TALL -- you have on jeans and a navy blue barracuda jacket -- -- like a cotton zip windbreaker ... like this (heh heh!) actually, you looked really pretty much like this in my dream... hope you like the dorky plaid shirt... but.. I actually think you may have had on a plaid something or other but.. yeah, not quite that bad... sorry, sweet... ;) LOL

Anyway.. .. just as you are feet away from the back door to the next room, I go "Johnny!" -- and it wasn't loud enough, cuz I am conscious of the fact I don't want to attract attention to you and bug you, but also have others come around and interrupt my chance to talk to you BUT -- I'm going to lose you in about 2 seconds so I really get up the gumption and go "JOHNNY!!!!!!" and you hear me and turn around and see me. And you SMILE. And then you turn around and amble up the center aisle to come and see me (I'm still behind this damn barricade...*eye roll* significant much?? lol ) ... and ... you look GORGEOUS. GORGE. US. Your hair is like... perfect... long but not too long -- it's layered and kinda all over the place a little.... your face is SO BEAUTIFUL... it is PERFECT. I can't believe how it fills my heart to see it -- you have a huge smile, your eyes are twinkling... I'm not kidding -- my impression was while sleeping that I had not seen your face like that since... I don't know when. You come over and greet me and ask me in that velvety voice how I'm doing, it's great to see me, etc. etc.

Now, unfortunately I can't remember the middle part specifically, I am hoping that something will come back to me today all of a sudden, but... the general thing was -- we were together and hanging out, and just.... talking and being together --- as friends... the smile did NOT leave your face. We talked about unimportant things but I do seem to recall that I always had my hand on you somewhere. -- you know -- my hand was on your back, rubbing it, or chest... over the shirt and jacket... ahem!... I was basically physically treating you the way I do my dh... and I LOVED IT. And you didn't mind one bit -- it wasn't weird at all. And you would put your arm around me and your hand on my back and we just walked around talking, talking, talking. It was like we hadn't seen each other in a long time and had to make up for lost time or something...

I do vaguely remember the end.... we were like outside in this beautiful garden area it seemed, and it was night - a beautiful night ... there was a bench type swing and we were either heading toward it, or in front of it or something but then my impression was that you were a little tipsy... or pretending to be tipsy.. like an old boyfriend that would act like he lost his balance so he could 'accidentally' tip toward you and kiss you... I had that impression you were trying to find a way to do that -- it was like I had been with you for a long time now.. I still had my hands on you -- even under your shirt now, feeling your side and chest area.... you kind of wavered, and ended up on the swing and then laying down on it... I got on my knees next to the swing and continued to TOTALLY ENJOY running my hand over your stomach, and hip and side... just feeling your skin. Talking in sleepy tones - we were tired from a day at this party, this place, walking around together, wherever it was --- Our faces were pretty close....then I woke up sometime around here. Aw Jeez.

Pretty cool dream.. I really like it when I dream about you -- they are so few and far between now. It feels so real -- it's like meeting you -- and quite honestly, probably even better. if I would meet you in real life I would just be another anonymous face among a million... in dreams ~ I know you, we are friends, you're nice to me. And that is like the nicest thing. It's like.... my "unrequited friendship" - is requited. ;)




---------------------------

The people who hang around your website now, JRock and MyGuyJ... will be excited that I printed another dream.... they will have something they can snicker about in their pm's back and forth now... it must've been awfully uneventful in their lives lately.. sorry it wasn't more "perverted" as you would say, girls.

The FCPrez can get all hot and bothered again about my "explicit details" with a "celebrity" -- like, that means anything... lol -- she must like it though, she keeps coming back.. I think she's just mad it's with a guy...



Anyway.... it would be nice if you would come back to me tonight... it reminds me of the old you -- and not the insensitive one that says things and makes me pretty upset this ST.... I don't want to come here and be mad at you -- I've done that enough.. although there have been quite a few things that I want to comment about, and likely will eventually, I prefer to at this point not waste negative emotions on the things you are doing -- you are.... completely lost now but... I do enjoy meeting up with my 'perfect' you in my slumbers. I really do.

Hair In A Baggy.... Nuff said

ok so I might write sometime about all the dissing things you say lately.... you're so full of it, and I am being SO NICE here... your words are so HOLLOW, they mean nothing, you say nothing of substance... EVER. EV. ER.

You are so disingenuous. What I thought you were -- I was wrong.

NOW you're saying you had every intention of cutting your hair anyway, you are so full of shit, dude!!!! I can find you right now (hey, guess what, the link is over to the right..) where you say on tape "Maybe Mr. Steinbrenner will change his mind and let me keep it... but.. I doubt it." I bet you ANYTHING you even ASKED. Just in case... but no, you got shot down.. so you went and got yourself clipped -- like a little 6 year old -- FORCED to cut off your beautiful locks... and then what?

Yeah, it meant nothing to you, you were going to get rid of it anyway, but STILL you didn't, did you? NO -- you kept the hair in a baggy!! YOU SAVED IT. You saved it as a reminder... a memory.. of something, someone you were once, but were not anymore, and never would be again.. you missed it. You missed it, that's the only excuse for SAVING it....

But I understand you have to try and appease those NY fans. Maybe today you are wondering... gee whiz, JTT...?? If Arod does leave at the end of this season (which he will because the mfyfs will drive him out..) ... WHO will be their whipping dog then??? hmmmm... gee, I wonder..

Yeah, I'd be nervous if I were you.

For Novy

Not you because you are barely existing these days. You're like Michael J. Fox in "Back To The Future" -- your parents never met and you're fading out of existence. Your choice.




Anyway, for Novy cuz she likes to know things about her buddettes: ;)
Apparently the idea is to highlight the things you've done... so, let's see what we've got here.


Things you have done ...

My "have-you-ever's" are in Orange (cuzzums me like orange)

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped (are you frickin kidding me??? I'm not stupid!)
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea (more lakes)
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights (a zillion times, actually!)
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg (does a glacier count? lol)
19. Slept under the stars (million x -- first I thought it said 'slept under the stairs!' LOL!!)
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (nahhhh...)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse (does a football card count? LOL)
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse (yes, built the box and everything!)
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach (naked) :0
50. Gone sky diving (like I said, I'm not STUPID!)
51. Visited Ireland (dammit no, but I want to Scotland!)
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs /DVDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero (Thundbirds... )
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers (pffft!! AS IF)
61. Gone scuba diving (I'm counting snorkeling here)
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie (no, but I was on Johnny Carson... )
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone (does this include THE combat zone, in old Boston??)
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour (though not obsessively, like maybe over 2,3 nites)
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country (mopeds in Mexico..)
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery (pfffft! :) you should know my opinion on THAT)
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds (45.5 kilograms)
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someones heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours (possibly..)
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someones mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (does a trout count?)
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts ---(thought seriously about it...tho I have redistributed hard drives and parts...)
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someones life

So.... secretive..

What is going on with our boy?

Sooo circumspect - for you... you who verbalize every thought that sweeps past your brain... all of this talk of emergency days off and personal private matters... I won't go and add fuel to any fire out there about what I/we speculate it may be. Just know we are glad it is not your dad or the baby.

But.. you're a 'better person' for going and taking care of whatever this is, even though it's been something bugging you for awhile. (by the way, we analyze everything you say, sweetie... so watch out.. lol!) It's something you "attacked at the forefront" -- headed it off at the pass, eh, and it's not going to spring up again all season... you sound hopeful there.. but you're not sure.

You came into camp like everything was 'perfect' and things just get 'better and better'... yet you have to split after two days and the Yankees tell you to make sure and get back there asap.

We listened to the audio, and wow -- you sound so reserved, but you look...

weird... sad or tired... ?

Those eyes.. they look either like you were crying or .. hey, like a person who has been up 72 hours straight with a colicky baby. LOL -- could be - I do recall those days... being a zombie. ;)

"I wish we could be robots -- and just brush things aside and.. not worry about things and uh... but there's always feelings.. we're not robots and there's always things that..... uh pop up and.. and uh, I feel like uh... took care of everything I needed to"

No, JD, you aren't a robot.. you are an emotional, feeling person. Like I said below, I think you're a softy really.. don't let the bastards get you down.

"I wish we could all be made of steel," Damon said yesterday, a few minutes after walking off the Legends Field complex following a good morning's work. "I wish it was an easy thing to simply be able to put your head down and tough through things"

If it were an easy thing and simple for you to be like that - you wouldn't be you, and.. that's one of the things we love about you.

And don't worry; you're still the Man of Steel to me. lol

Anyway, we hope whatever it is, or was.. you are okay. That's all I'll say. Although .. we would like to wish it was because you hate it there so much. But, hey, that's us. If we could help you, we would -- we would bring a big ol box of Enclavian Love Bandaids... they can help anything. At least a little.

I just gotta wonder what my daddy would've done,
If he'd seen the way they turned his dream around.
I've gotta go by what he told me:
"Try to tell the truth and stand your ground.
Don't let the bastards get you down."
-- Kris Kristofferson

Was That So Hard?

I wasn't going to talk about you, but, of course, I can't help it.

"The hardest part of the transition was probably the unknown," Damon said. "I wanted to be accepted so badly. ... I knew the Yankees and always wanted to be a Yankee, even dating back to when I was a [Kansas City] Royal.

"It was kind of like the time finally came, and you just always want to do good. The fear of failure gets a lot of people going."

See, I told ya -- it's obvious - you think that they are better than us, and you think you belong where it's better, huh. So you chose it. You never would've stayed in Boston would you? You needed EXPOSURE. You needed the BIG TIME. Either that, or you are selling yourself (some more) to the New York fans. Which I think is more what it is -- you know you're stuck there now and you're not feeling it -- it's not quite what you expected, is it? It's really pitiful. (Do you know how many times we have defended you against the accusation of being a "media whore"?? No, you don't and you don't care. And that was YEARS ago!)

So was that so hard to say you always wanted to be there??

So hard to man up to the fact that you went there for more money, a bigger stage, more stores for the wife, bigger, more glittery parties?? You and Beyonce? And Jay-Z?? omg lol -- Good -- enjoy it. Enjoy it in your little ice palace. WE are going to win the World Series again, and YOUR team of blowhards is another year older and THEY will end up in third place I hope.

It's so obvious you want and need affection, its really painful to watch. You're married, get your affection THERE. You are never going to be to New York what you were to Boston -- get over it! It is just not possible, dear. The only thing they care about with you is.. they took you from here... that's IT, Johnny. That's it.

You know (as Scott Boras recently said) that Boston has forgotten about you and now you are trying to convince Yankee fans that you always wanted to be there?? Bull -- even they -- the smart ones, anyway, remember all the things you said last year, honestly no one buys anything that comes out of your mouth anymore. You blew it.

You have no validity anymore. Nothing sounds sincere that you say -- you love it here, you hate it there, you hate it here, you love it there -- all of the names and places and parts are interchangeable and totally dependent on where you are any given day, who you are talking to and what day is marked on your underwear.

I am so upset with you - because now -- and ever since the people associated with your fan club/board etc. showed their true colors and came down on me -- the rose colored glasses have been off. Thank you S.G. for being the catalyst to that. It's like I woke up and can see all of you for what you are.

The whole group. And those around you. And so now your thing this year is going to be an escalation of how fantastic life is in NY!! The gloves are off, sweetheart? OK, they will be here too. Come on in here for your periodic ass whoopin'. If you dare.

I don't even want to tell you where you got off the boat, where you went wrong, WHEN YOU JUMPED THE SHARK AND HOW HIGH -- and what you could've had because Boras Marketing might try and fix it. And I don't want it fixed, now.

Did you ever see the movie "Hidalgo"?..

I'm thinking of that movie, like Frank whoever the somewhat/supposed real story was about was a rodeo clown. I want an image of that -- Viggo in the clown face. That's kind of what you remind me of now. Only it's worse, it's WAY worse - it's NASCAR clown, it's Video Game King clown or.. holy crap, it's Pro Freaking Wrestling Clown.. My GOD man, what have you done with the brain God gave you. You ... *blinks* -- we are speechless out here.

So Frank Whatsizname is a rodeo clown - he looks like hell, and is a sloppy drunk because -- hey, guess what ~~ he's not happy being a rodeo clown.

from m15m:

"Hidalgo - in 15 minutes"
.. and ACTION! The Scene:

Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show

ANNIE OAKLEY: Goddammit, Frank, get off your drunk rodeo-clown ass and get out there!

FRANK: *is sloppy drunk*

BUFFALO BILL: Ladies and gentlemen, the *finger quotes* Hero of Wounded Knee!

FRANK: *falls over*

HIDALGO: *drags Frank's alcoholic ass back to the tent*

BUFFALO BILL: Uh... yes! Ladies and gentlemen! Look at the brave Hidalgo drag the wounded hero back to safety! Which is totally part of the script! Yes!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com

Yeah, that's what I think of -- you in your striped clown outfit, hired to be a court jester there (oh, what is it this year? oh.. Yessss, a 'breath of fresh air' *sigh -- sounds like a Bob Klapisch suck up to me.. )... have fun there again with all the gargoyles in pinstripes. Were you able to pick up that stick-on red nose (that beeps, I hope!) in the offseason?

Sorry if I'm coming across a little hard -- just here it is, just what we all knew was coming: Year Two and... "I Am Now Going To Spout Some More About Boston But In A Noticeably More Negative Fashion" ... don't do it. DON'T do it.

I'd say your new fans would love it, but... I don't really think the vast majority of them care one way or the other about you. See, you're not Jeter, and you're not Arod. You're Johnny, The Video Game Commissioner.

Hey, if it was good enough for the Fonz....right?

Henry Winkler's character as Arthur Fonzarelli was a phenomenon - he started out as a minor character, but as his popularity grew, he ended up nearly dwarfing the other characters on the show "Happy Days".... What was it about Fonzi?

He was seen as a lovable rebel, an anti-establishment blue collar guy with a lot of skills - a bit of a womanizer, strong loyalty and sexual attractiveness. Because of, or .. despite these traits, he commanded tremendous respect for his fighting spirit, his skills as a ladies' man and his impenetrable "cool".

Opponents far larger and more dangerous-seeming than himself back down from confrontations with him. Those who do confront him never come out on top, leaving 'The Fonz" without a scrape. Fonz exhibited a characteristic sangfroid during these times of challenge, stress, or annoyance.
~ sang-froid: great coolness and composure under strain; "keep your cool"

Sounds like someone else I used to know.

But there's a metaphor that also sprang from this popular show and that is 'jumping the shark' ...

Jumping the shark means “the beginning of the end” of a television show, film series, or even an actor’s career. It originally refers to an episode of the television sitcom “Happy Days” in which Fonzie, on water skis, jumps over a shark (leather jacket in place!). It was felt that this was a turning point in the show’s quality and signalled its imminent demise. Some have broadened its use to simply describe any decline in appeal for any subject in question, without requiring a significant "jump the shark" moment as justification.

I guess the truth as I see it now is -- you never really were that "rock star" -- you always were the guy who said the Dixie Chicks were one of his favorite groups (as interviewed once -- no doubt until they said something about your boy King George II) --- and a guy who would allow himself to walk down the aisle to Brooks & Dunn "Brand New Man" (ugh!!) -- maybe you're in charge of your own life over there, but -- the Brand New Man thing isn't working for you. In case you were wondering.

We liked you just the way you were. You would never have had to change.

Fear of failure. It shows, dear.


Signed, your loving fan who loves you enough to tell the truth.

"Everything's great"

Sure it is, hon.

“I am a better and stronger person today and I believe those two days were key to me,” Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon said Monday. “It’s time to get ready to play baseball. My mind is clear. It’s all about baseball now.”

Two days in camp and needed some time off. Didn't have enough time to get ready for baseball, darling? Thought you had time to 'chill' in Mexico. Just couldn't quite scrape up the false enthusiasm right off the bat heading into the clubhouse, though, huh. I don't blame you, sweetie. How the mighty fall. They fall hard.

Because - "when you open your eyes, and realize ......................"

Looking back I clearly see
What it is that's killing me
Through the eyes of one I know
I see a vision once let go
I had it all

Constantly it burdens me
Hard to trust and can't believe
Lost the faith and lost the love
When the day is done

Will you open your eyes
And realize we are one
On and on we stand alone
Until our day has come
When they open their eyes
And realize we are one

I love the way I feel today
But how I know the sun will fade
Darker days seem to be
What will always live in me
But still I run

It's hard to walk this path alone
Hard to know which way to go
Will I ever save this day
Will it ever change

Will you open your eyes
And realize we are one

Still today we carry on
I know our day will come

Remember that one?
Yeah -- everything's 'awesome', isn't it.




Last night on the pre-Oscar show, Eddie Murphy said something and all I could think of was you. He said something like "you can't hide what is going on inside. You can see everything that is going on in your eyes and face no matter how hard you try to hide it."

If the eyes are indeed the window to the soul - and you're as happy as you say you are.. why do yours look so dead?







-----------------

When we die
We go into the arms of those who remember us

We are home now
Out of our heads
Out of our minds
Out of this world
Out of this time

Are you drowning or waving?
I just want you to save me
Should we try to get along?
Just try to get along

So we move
We change by the speed of the choices that we've made
And the barriers are all self made
Thats so retrograde

Are you drowning or waving?
I just need you to save me
Should we try to get along?
Just try to get along

I am alive
I'm awake to the trials of confusion we create
There are times when I feel that we're about to break
When there's too much to say

We are home now
Out of our heads
Out of our minds
Out of this world
Out of this time
Out of this time
-- Bush, "Out of this World"

Dogging

And while we're at it, and discussing your latest spouts, let me join the group of people who are a bit offended at your subtle suggestions that people who are against the war are not supportive of our troops.

Nothing could be further from the truth and it's about time all you Republicans stopped trying to insinuate otherwise. If you and a large part of this country hadn't been so brainwashed yourselves, maybe a lot of young soldiers lives could've been saved.

You don't have a child yet of draft age. Call me when Jackson turns 18. Because I'll bet you money right here today that the mess your Boy George has inflamed is still going on and spread throughout that entire region when Jackson has to register for the selective service. Just so the oil boys could have more money, because... well, that's what it all comes down to, isn't it Johnny? HOW MUCH MONEY YOU CAN BANK. And the hell with everyone else.

So yeah -- as has been FINALLY realized -- this war is a MISTAKE. And by the way, we all support the people who have gone over there -- more so than the government. WHY do mothers and fathers have to send goodie baskets to their beloved children that contain bullet proof vests and some type of armor instead of cookies?? Because your government doesn't think it important enough.

Your dad fought in Vietnam. My dad fought against the Japanese.
Just because some (usually republican) president gets involved in a new war, does not automatically make it acceptable. It's all about economics, dear. Differing views of how the economy runs best.

You don't like people to 'dog' the country. Yet you love the Bushies and I bet you you vote a straight Republican ticket, don't you. No purer act of treachery than voting a straight ticket without even knowing or caring to know your candidates, by the way.

Never saw you wearing military themed attire - ever - and I've seen EVERY damn picture of you. Never ONCE saw you wearing the camo tees under your uni like Timlin, Papelbon, etc... where does this come from? Is this Scott's new direction he wants you to take? "Let's just say it and it makes it so!" Oh! OK!

And the best part:

We're free, we have the ability to make millions of dollars, and people are complaining."

But guess what -- only a very tiny percentage are making millions, Johnny. And for the wrong things. Do me a favor and look up the statistics for the working uninsured. STUDY the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina -- right up until this day. It's RIGHT NEXT to your state -- take a trip. Check it out. That's YOUR government at work. They are sending billions of dollars (in CASH, no less -- hmmmm? oh, and lots of it is "lost" too..) to rebuild schools and homes for IRAQIS. Remember that??? No? Oh you gotta click that link above then!!
Your government you voted for. Not me.

But can US citizens get their homes rebuilt due to a hurricane? No. YOUR president didn't even MENTION it in the State of the Union..

Go check it out. Then come out and talk about that. But try to not talk out of your ass and look so uninformed, ok? You make me and the ladies look bad.

Just stick a couple yellow ribbon magnets on your Ferrari. That'll help.

Omega

She's not the kind of girl you hear about
She'll never want another
She'll never be without
She'll give you all the signs
She'll tell you everything
and then just turn and walk away.

--Dreamtheater, "Hollow Years"

----------------------------------
I could tell you about my confrontation with your FCP.
I could tell you how I got her to admit to things because she had to.
I could tell you her phony justifications it took her a week to think up.
I could tell you how she laughed at my sincerity.
I could tell you what I said to her when she did that.
But she is just not worth it.

War And Peace (Unabridged)

..and Bunnies & The Bottom Line/Cartoons & Show Tunes..



"Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!"

"A-gain??????"

"Nothing Up My Sleeve ---- Presto!"




And Now Here's Something We Hope You'll Really Like! .....


Part 1 - IN WHICH: I Attempt To Install Diplomatic Sanctions Upon Myself. 'Cause that's the kind of gal I am. At least I can be diplomatic with myself if no one else can be with me.

NOTE: Please forgive any legal jargon contained within today's post. It has been brought to my attention that this blog is so dangerous, so inflammatory -- that all bad things, especially those on the internet, are the result of it.

You should know that before you continue. Please do not continue unless you are at least 30 years old as your pristine sensibilities may not be able to handle the content. Our understanding is, and We Heretofore Acknowlege: that any possible future events, (not limited to) widespread crop failure, fat lesbians taking over the planet, and the entire solar system (as we know it) being sucked into the void of space through a black hole -- is entirely due to the After Hours Blog.

Duly noted? Okay. Moving on.

First things first. My new saying! Which... I like to think I penned, because I just thought of it, but likely didn't. It's a fairly obvious play on "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" so I'm sure some other smartass thought of it before me. Wouldn't want to be arrested for plagiarism on top of everything else. Heavens.

Here it is:

"A sense of humor is a terrible thing to waste."

Remember that as we go along. Or... try to. I know it's hard for some of you.. try and stay with me, though. :)
There may be alot of mixing of metaphors and atrocious analogies
BUT there will be great alliteration!).
----------------------------------------------



This is gonna be a long one. Where to start? Where. To. Start... hmmmmm
Lots to cover. Lots to get off my chest.
I'm going in. Cover me.

The times are tough now, just getting tougher
This old world is rough, its just getting rougher
Cover me, lock the door and cover me
-- Bruce Springsteen, "Cover Me"

LEGAL NOTE: I can't put the next line - "I'm looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me" see, because apparently some people with small little minds and limited imaginations would think that I was saying that to you, uh- LITERALLY - instead of (what to me, anyway) is just the fairly obvious posting of some lyrics. Since I've been accused of being a "stalker" this week... OH and a "pervert"... -- I will need to just LEAVE OUT anything that might titillate someone's prim imagination.. you know who you are -- the ones who think this blog is so depraved you tried to get it banned, removed --- yet - you keep coming back for MORE. You actually LIKE IT. It's because you don't have the balls or talent to do anything like this. You actually feel the same way as I do -- but you can't quite get it up to actually do it..

So we'll just leave the lyrics with the important references: ie: the "cover me" part - which was just a musical support piece to back up my comment re: "Cover me"..
So are we clear on that so far? Awesome. Awesome for the world.

AND the real crux of the biscuit of that lyrics reference that caught my eye is --

"this old world is rough, and it's just getting rougher."

Because isn't that the fact. When people you don't even know can attack you for expressing your heartfelt feelings ... call you a slanderer, call you dangerous, call you... perverted. Call you a STALKER!! (glass houses, glass houses...*whistle*) ..and then just slink away in their anonymity. Or so they think.

Well, I've got news for you -- I am none of those things.
Do I express my opinion? Yes. Do I express my feelings? Yes. Have I slandered? No, legally I certainly have not, and have not even come close.

Am I dangerous? Yes. Why? Because I am open minded and intelligent.
I am a threat to stupid people. Free thinkers = Danger. Right? Right. Put me on your 'list'. I don't give a ff.

I was told I should make this private. By your new batch of frigid fans on your website. LMAO. A librarian and a grandmother. ooohh *trembles* -- two-faced b*tches -- leave me the F alone. (Oh, and don't forget the holier than thou fan club president - web master to numerous 'famous' people according to her. Right. I know all about your attempts at trying to market websites to famous athletes and likely actresses. From what I've seen, only one person took you up on it. The rest saw your unprofessional hack job for what it was.)

The 'frigids' didn't like me posting my DREAMS. MY dreams. Can you imagine someone having the gall to tell someone else what they should do with their blog? Or ANYTHING..? Go the f*ck away. Seriously.

I don't want to make it private. It's never been private -- and I could've but I chose not to. It's been up for 16 months and not ONE person has EVER made anything even close to a derogatory comment on it (amazingly)..

Why don't I make it private? Well, number one - it's (I believe) still a free country.. isn't it? And mostly because I was proud of it. I am now reminded of another very, very beautiful song -- and here's a part of it that basically says exactly how I feel.

I'll tell the man in the street
And everyone I meet
That you and I are sweethearts *LEGAL DISCLAIMER!!

I'll shout it out from the roof
I'll give the papers proof
That we two are complete hearts *LEGAL DISCLAIMER!!

I want the world to know
I'll use the radio
And when I've said all my say
You may be old and gray
But you can't get away from me. **LEGAL DISCLAIMER!!

*LEGAL DISCLAIMER: For those of you who might be upset that I suggested that he and I are 'sweethearts' or 'complete hearts' -- its..... its just the lyrics to a SONG. The REST of it, though -- is what I am referring to. Okay? Notarized and Signed, etc etc. blah blah blah and Company, et al.
** LEGAL DISCLAIMER: The intention of this line in no way means to indicate that you can't literally get away from me - ie: that I am stalking you and could conceivably be successful.

Um -- yeah, I'm pretty sure I am still on the other side of the country, but if you want to come up here sometime and say hello, you are always welcome and I'll give you a beer. Oh jeez, is it okay to say that? *consults RSAs....*

I mean, you are famous and everything, so that means you're special (and I dig that about you, really!) and you have more rights and perks than me. Gotcha. I guess my point is to my detractors out there -- I have no intention or desire to go to Florida... its too damn hot and too overcrowded and full of old people. Not that I don't like old people -- hell, I am well on my way to being one (especially after this week) -- but -- I sure as hell don't want to spend my time socializing with them playing shuffleboard and sweating. I'm much more the 'ice fishing in Labrador' type than freaking FLORIDA -- besides, it looks like America's penis on a map. I don't want to live in a state that resembles a penis. It's why I left Massachusetts. At least Florida's is big.. Of course, some of you who this post relates to will make SURE you truck down to spring training this year again(easier access to your player(s), right?) -- but I'M the stalker. Uh huh.
OH another reason I wouldn't bother going to Florida -- Girls Gone Wild type chicks. 'Nuff said.

And I surely am not interested in going to that armpit New York City. So -- unless I can transport myself ala Star Trek (and I can't - for you scientific/legal types out there -- although I'm working on it) - I won't be watching any games at the Toilet. Besides -- I wouldn't go to California lest the Big One happen (my luck) and I SURE as hell wouldn't go to NYC because
it's got a big ol' target on it.

Whew. Censorship is tough, man. But ya know, you gotta cross those t's and dot those i's these days lest SOMEONE ... think its for real. That's what I was advised about this week.. someone could think it was real. The librarian haughtily advised me that -- *gasp* - EIGHT year olds could stumble upon it and lose sleep over it or --and then they'd have to gouge their eyes out or something! Of course, as I explained to this person -- only a MORON would think that, but... it is true, the world is full of morons... I mean. All you have to do is actually read the damn thing - and not pick out bits and pieces that fit your agenda... like above, I COULD'VE just put the parts of that song that relate to me - and leave out the 'you and I are sweethearts' bit... but then, that would not be the real song, would it? And it's such a beautiful song.

She also added that, heavens forfend, YOUR OWN CHILDREN could read this, and.. apparently that would be the end of their world.. I then carefully explained to her that... ehh.. she probably really shouldn't be too worried about that - especially when they WILL DEFINATELY someday read daddy's own book about how he cheated on their mommy and insults her publicly like it was all her own fault. How he took up with a... *oops we don't GO there, do we?*

Yeah, I think that's going to damage Madelyn and Jackson a wee bit more than my dreams...

I mean, I would think if someone even read the INTRO above -- it makes the subject matter contained within this blog, fairly clear.. doesn't it?? Perhaps I should check that again -- I thought it pretty much covered it, but.... when you're dealing with people that only see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear, then you really need to make sure you are "dumbing it down", so to speak -- I guess.

So: am I capable of hurting anyone on purpose? No. So much "NO". However, when I am attacked -- I will bite back.


"The Bunny Strip" OR [squeak, squeak, squeak!]

Walt Kelly, the creator of the cartoon strip, "Pogo" was a cartoonist who was way ahead of his time. As his characters progressed, he went from easygoing humor to noticing the growing fear and meanness in society and government and his strip reflected that - at a great deal of risk. So much so, that some papers dropped his strip, and others threatened. His response to this was to offer papers an alternative strip they could choose if they thought his 'real' one was too controversial. Kelly referred to these strips as "The Bunny Strips," because he would populate the alternate strips with the least offensive material he could imagine, fluffy little bunnies telling stupid jokes. Kelly would tell fans that if all they saw in "Pogo" were fluffy little bunnies, then their newspaper didn't believe they were capable of thinking for themselves, or didn't want them to think for themselves.

I use this analogy because I have been told this week that my blog is offensive and that I should tone it down or make it private. That I should in fact write "Bunny Strips" -- or a "Bunny Blog" if you will... now -- if YOU - my Dear After Hours Namesake, felt that way and wanted this whole thing taken down, then no problem. Feel free to email me at deleted and just say so. My email's been in my profile all along. I have not received any cease and desist orders, nor anything similar. But if YOU, Johnny, want it down. Just ask. And it's gone.

But if you think for one minute, the rantings of 2, 3 or 4 frigid, jealous and Holier Than Thou backstabbing housewife mfyfs are going to get me to do that -- you got another thing coming. These same women actually tried to lobby Blogger to take this down due to its 'salacious content' -- or whatever else they said it was. They probably don't even know that word.

Cowards. Acting behind my back. Talking behind my back. Snickering, commenting, and ultimately publically posting their opinions about me and this place.

So -- here's my "Bunny Strip" -

Once Upon A Time there was this group of friendly Johnny Damon fans who went and made their own happy little home on the internet, and pretty much kept to themselves, minding their own little bunny business. But then the snakes at the OLD place they used to live decided they wanted to stick their necks (snake necks??) out and slither over to the bunnies and poke them and prod them. Annoy them. Insult and ridicule them.

So the benevolent little bunny Enclavians who were always minding their own business had to "poke" and "prod" those snakes in the grass back to whence they came.
(pause music to listen)


hee hee - yes OF COURSE the bunny wins! Did you ever have a doubt! -- see -- we never WANTED to go over there and kick ass -- bite your scaly skins -- don't want anything to even DO with ANY of you or your sliminess .... but you fuck with the bunny, you get the horns.

See -- as I explained on the Official site last night -- I am not just going to sit back and let dried up prunes attack me on a public forum. I will bite back. Or at least I will make you uncomfortable. And send you scurrying off up the tree to get away. AWAY. Like you all ran off that night.

My fellow Enclavians also came right to my defense, unasked -- they didn't have to, but they did -- because they are wonderful people and friends. True friends. Thank you again, Johnny, for bringing us together.

There is a person - 'MGJ' over there who hates me with a fiery passion only found in hell itself -- not sure why.... oh right, it's 'cause we don't buy her bullshit that she throws out. We call her on her lies fibs, like the time she came on and totally blasted and insulted everyone, and when people called her on it, she said "Wha ---? *innocent face* -- THAT wasn't ME!! Someone must've stolen my password and logged in as me and said those things!!" *straight face*... oh yeah -- okay, sure.. happens all the time!

Man, doncha just HATE it when that happens??

So the other night all we had to do was show up to make her go "TILT!" Period. Just show up and make some small talk and she attacked. Again. Sorry, but that was so entertaining in itself. I know - it's mean, but... I rarely watch tv. LOL! Talk about reality programming. And she chastised all of my friends for coming on -- AFTER she sent them emails threatening them to GET OFF OF THIS BOARD AND NEVER COME BACK YOU AREN'T WELCOME HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol! and how they showed up without their "leader". (???!!) (I'm intrigued-do you think that could be me??? *puffs up* -- naww!!) Well, I didn't think that was right somehow that she should start threatening PAID members of your fan club. Since she's a newbie, sorta, fair weather any port in a storm middle of the road anyway the wind blows kinda fan.. as long as you are attached to it... not that there's anything wrong with that. So I had to join in and defend myself and the others. And I handled it all privately -- not out in public like THEM. PRIVATELY. One on one.

And I'm sorry I can't remember all of her viciousness, because the FCPrez actually deleted some of it, later, when she arrived, (after all the bodies were cleared from the battlefield) I believe. But I do think I recall seeing the word "SLUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" which annoys me, because.. well, people who use 57 exclamation points are annoying by themselves, but, much more than that ...
LOL --










So - this was kind of the way the battle went last night:
The "Monty Python" version, of course.

ENCLAVE: Charge!
[squeak squeak squeak!]

O SITE:
Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.

O SITERS:
Run away! Run away!
Run away! Run away!...

MFYF #1:
Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!
Right. How many did we lose?

FCPrez:
MyGuyJohnny,
JRock,

And mpnut. That's five.

MFYF#1:
Three, sir.

FCPrez:
Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.

JROCK:
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

MGJ:
Oh, shut up and go and change your armour.

JROCK:
Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake!!

Shouldn't taunt. Really.
So there are my "Bunny Strips". Were they more palatable to you Puritans?

------------------------------------




So forgive me, as, I've been compiling this for a couple days now -- and I've taken a lot out, as .. I just don't really give much of a damn anymore. I was pissed as hell, but now... eh.... Darling Johnny, if you want them, you can have them, they are ALL YOURS. Because this whole thing (since it's the second time it's happened..) really has soured me on you. Yeah - YOU.
The Whole 'You' Thing.

So I know I'll never go back to your website (except to make sure those bitches don't even THINK of breathing a word that even comes CLOSE to SOUNDING like MAYBE they may be even THINKING of any of us, because I will come like the hammers of hell down on their fat asses all over again. Just to keep in shape.) and there's no real reason to keep this up anymore. Because I don't think I need it anymore. Because

The Bottom Line, The Big Finish, and the Big, Busby Berkley Grand Finale!!

The Bottom Line: I was riding in the car yesterday and was thinking of this whole thing. I was really in a reverie, in such that the other person in the car asked "What are you thinking of so deeply?"

I was thinking about this place (that I love, I love it so much), and the accusations that were flung at me, and I was wondering if they were correct? Was it nasty? Was it filthy? Why DID I even make After Hours in the first place?

And I went through this past year -- all the things that happened, and I can honestly say to you -- this is why I came here periodically... because although it may READ like a day by day thing -- the truth is I only came here very intermittently. Usually when very upset or very angry (sometimes at you). Because the fact is, over the course of like 16 months -- this whole blog is on this one page.

And the truth is, that I went through some depression. Fairly low grade, but constant.. How could those.... people -- how could they read some of those posts last winter and not see that??? Christ, I am asking "why does God hate me?" helloooo?? I went through that, through the whole you leaving thing, dealt with a good amount of very, very painful family issues, financial issues, and maybe worst of all, dealing with quite a few very disingenuous people this year -- and it hurt. It literally HURT ME to have to deal with... people who smile in your face - and then LIE to you... or purposely hurt you and they either don't care, they enjoy it -- what?? I.. I don't KNOW. Because I can't relate to people like that.. and it hurts to be sometimes surrounded by ... just BAD PEOPLE. I cried so much this year. God, so much...

And I'm not even referring to the people the other night.

... then through the excitement and confusion of our whole Fenway Park thing...

Jesus -- I think I actually did pretty good through all that. That's why I always say "Thank you" to you -- because, quite honestly, you were my vitamins, my focus, my 'confessor' as it were -- because I basically just came to you and laid ALL of my problems and fears on your shoulders... because I couldn't verbalize them here -- in my life .... I gave them to YOU... and you don't know it, but you took them for me.

And 'those people' could not see that. Because they were jealous and came in and sniffed around like little rats and picked out the parts that they thought they could use to get back at me. They had no interest in the whole thing - the reasons why -- they liked the juicy parts. They got excited in their own dirty minds and only SAW those parts. It's like having little rapists in your mind - and your heart .. dirtying the things that are important to you.

I hate DESPISE people like that. You are NOTHING to me. LESS than NOTHING. I am glad you all have gone back to your dark holes you came from.

Like MyGuyJohnny, over there -- a person so frantic she panics when she discovers that Friday the 13th falls on a Wednesday that month. A person so nasty, that her parting shot was that the reason we didn't meet you last August was... lo and behold! Because of this blog. OH and the fact that I'm a pervert. OH and two-faced -- and well, obviously you were worried for your life against a 5' 4" 130 120 lb. female. Oh and her cohorts. Right. I mean, it makes sense now -- there were EIGHT of us -- and seeing how you were so scared of TWO female fans years ago, thinking they could've tied you up and killed you -- I guess it makes sense. It's bizarre, mind you, but... perhaps in some warped way logical.

Now - if that's true that this blog IS responsible for the universe turning inside out and causing you to DISS YOUR BIGGEST FANS .. that's interesting because I recall you wrote a book once and let it all hang out... critics be damned. So one might think that you might, if not admire, at least understand that in another person's writing. And I have to admit I have NEVER thought of you as 'thin skinned.' But -- what do I know? I am inclined to believe it is just another MGJ "parting shot" (POW!!) -- because, if Shelley, the FCPrez knew that and dragged us down there 3 hours early to wait for you behind the mfy dugout -- then she should get a fucking Oscar. I'm not kidding. LOL BUT maybe its true. Not sure why she wouldn't just tell us the truth -- I mean, we are adults .. we're not going to commit suicide or anything.. lol! Or .. hey! even tell us ahead of time "OH GEE whiz, sorry, it's just not going to be able to happen!" -- that would've been the grown up thing to do - I think we could've handled it, seriously - and I could've spent that time a little better by having a beer or two at the Beer Works - lol. But... just told us you couldn't meet us if you said you didn't want to? Ha - I know (believe me!) she could've easily pulled off that little bit of deception. Ohh, yeah.

OH! And now -- you'll never guess -- the FCPrez told US the same thing about the nutjob MGJ person who said that! That no one got to meet you last year at a NY fanclub game because SHE was there... and the FCP was concerned for your safety.... (and so were we!) - What a coincidence...

Oh and of course MGJ says Scott Boras knows all about our (I assume ... the Enclave? lol) 'two faced-ness'. Wow -- Scott Boras worried about my blog and the Enclave, and.. the ill effects on Johnny -- wow, what POWER I have -- it's... it's very heady, I may never come down off my high horse. LOL I would've thought Boras Marketing too busy to bother but.. and why do I think Boras doesn't even know Shelley even exists.. hey. As my dear friend MsD so clearly cut to the chase:

Hey, if Scott is worried, wouldn't you think by now he would have told his star client, "Hey, Johnny, why don't you just get a top professional to handle your website?"

LOL
You'd think. Hey, I tried to tell ya that a year ago. But... it's because I "don't care about you and am not a fan" according to the mfyfs over there.

I guess I prefer to think it's a bunch of garbage from a .... nasty person that I hope I never have to deal with again, because I can't stand nasty, negative people. I like the truth, but can't seem to get it.

The Big Finish.

So in the end, Johnny, please forgive me -- if you inspired me. Which you very much did. You have no idea. It was a very pleasant and therapeutic creative release.

And if I ever did somehow offend you - truly, I apologize. I would never want to do that.. EVER. Never - ever meant to offend you. I am sure you don't even know about After Hours, so - no harm, no foul, love.

I likely won't comment on you much anymore. But I hope I do come back here sometime. Because the only thing I will comment on here if I even bother -- will be the Yankees tanking and how pleasant it is. So I hope to see you all again.

And if you read this far, and you know who you are -- see, you couldn't just keep away, could you? For a bunch of people who told me that my private thoughts here are perverted, wrong and dangerous -- they sure do come here a lot to read it. I don't want to get in any more spitting contests with any of you any more.

(And that was totally edited there, next day..)

Life's too short.
I think I might start another blog.
You won't find me. I'm ready to start some new positive addictions and Magnificent Obsessions.






But you, Johnny -- til the day I die -- I suspect you will be the Magnificent-est of them all.

Peace.

---------------------------------------







The Grand Finale.

So long...farewell...auf weidersehen goodbye...
Goodbye...

Goodbye....


Goodbyyyyyyyyyyyye....

(what. a little overly dramatic, you think?) LOL





You didn't REALLY want Busby Berkley did you??

Okay......



It's from "Golddiggers from 1938" (apparently) so there you go. Don't say I don't keep my word. That picture may be a little risque for our...you know... monitors.
And remember, stay away from gold diggers! They target guys like you, ya know.

Keep that sense of humor - or die.***

***LEGAL DISCLAIMER: "or die" was not meant as a threat -- it's just the truth. And the truth is so damn hard to come by these days.


ps: dear Novy - get your Jeff Beck listening fix in, because the music will be over sometime soon. And then, when the music's over - turn out the lights, willya? ;)

Congratulations

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter... you are so fortunate - three beautiful healthy kids -- that is the greatest gift in the world isn't it?

Go Ahead and Say It!

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

Go ahead say it -- you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Just wanted to post that -- that is an awesome YouTube video that is on the right - under Videos -- "Free Hugs" -- the song is by Sick Puppies and it's quite the phenomenon....

Well, they played a year ending video on NESN this morning to this song.. it was really very good -- you know, my Sox -- Big Papi hitting homers, some walk offs and all those beautiful sparkling white uniforms jumping up and down together at home plate (remember that?) -- it gives me chills every time I see it..

The Patriots, the Celtics, Red Auerbach, Bruins .... showed someone waving a Adam Vinatieri Patriots shirt in his (Vinatieri's) face while trotting off the field (as a friggin' COLT... ugh) -- showed Joe Thornton... a sign in the stands saying "Say it ain't so, Joe.." and as the video went on, I wondered if they were going to just pretend you didn't even exist (it wouldn't have surprised me)... but... they were saving you for a certain part of the song..

Then finally -- they showed your chest, in a GRAY uni saying "New York", panned up to your face, ... then they showed some sign from May 1, and then you -- taking off your helmet and waving it.. (I will never forget that look on your face...) but the part of the song was when the singer got real agitated and angry and the words were

"GO AHEAD AND SAY IT! YOU'RE LEAVING...!"

Man, it was perfect. It was perfect. It made me tear up again. And I watched the damn thing through 3 cycles just to see it again.

See? We never wanted you to go and neither did they.

I hope the part of the song where it says

You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand

comes true someday. And

we'll take you for who you are - and do it all over again.. ;)
Wouldn't that be awesome? Awesome for the world...??

Ahh.. a girl can dream.

It's like Bronson..... I want you to be like Bronson...

"He says, even though he doesn't regret the deal he made with the Sox that lead to his being traded, his intentions for his next deal haven't wavered since spring training. His goal is to build up his reputation and ink an even heftier contract - with the Boston Red Sox.

There is a reason, after all, he is keeping his Boston home until his contract runs out two years from now.

"I still miss playing in that uniform, especially when I turn on the TV and they are 10 games out of first place and there is still a crowd that is maybe more enthusiastic than any crowd in the game," Arroyo said. "You never know what's going to happen in the next couple years."

Well, I wish you'd kept your house in Brookline -- because you are going to come back home here again.... at least I hope so. You and Bronson - I would love that. We all would.



----------------
HOWEVER... there is another Sick Puppies song that... and it is the one I fear you are singing:

I'm not coming back
I'm not gonna react
I'm not doing shit for you
I'm not sitting around
While you're tearing it down around us
I'm not living a lie
While you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You'll leave me out on the curb
Just like everyone else before you

[Chorus]
Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need
Always ends up leaving me alone
Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think
I'm not seeing a shrink
I'm not doing this again
I'm not another
Student or a mother
To take your shit out on
So let's see what you got
And let's see what you're not
And whatever else you pretend
You've defended my intentions
Long enough
[Chorus]

So here I am again
In the middle of the end
And the choice I wish I'd made
I always make too late

God Bless Us! Every One!!

Really, for a man who had been out of practice for so many years, it was a splendid laugh, a most illustrious laugh. The father of a long, long line of brilliant laughs.

"I don't know what day of the month it is," said Scrooge. "I don't know how long I've been among the Spirits. I don't know anything. I'm quite a baby. Never mind. I don't care. I'd rather be a baby. Hallo! Whoop! Hallo here!"

He was checked in his transports by the churches ringing out the lustiest peals he had ever heard. Clash, clang, hammer; ding, dong, bell! Bell, dong, ding; hammer, clang, clash! Oh, glorious, glorious!

Running to the window, he opened it, and put out his head. No fog, no mist; clear, bright, jovial, stirring, cold; cold, piping for the blood to dance to; Golden sunlight; Heavenly sky; sweet fresh air; merry bells. Oh, glorious. Glorious!

"What's to-day?" cried Scrooge, calling downward to a boy in Sunday clothes, who perhaps had loitered in to look about him.

"Eh?" returned the boy, with all his might of wonder.

"What's to-day, my fine fellow?" said Scrooge.

"To-day?" replied the boy. "Why, Christmas Day."

"It's Christmas Day!" said Scrooge to himself. "I haven't missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can. Hallo, my fine fellow!"

"Hallo!" returned the boy.

Merry Christmas my dearest and all of my friends and all Johnny fans and all Sox fans everywhere. This has been quite the trying year for me -- and I do feel like things are starting to brighten... so many obstacles for me personally this year -- not the least of which started with my favorite favorite EVER player leaving my favorite, lifelong team... but times marches on, things change ~ and there is much to be seen in the future, how people's choices turn out, including my own.

I have enjoyed blogging here -- as a person who cannot cry in front of others, due to... well, it would turn their world on their heads, wouldn't it... cannot have that.. my role is to make sure the ship stays on an even keel, or at least appear so. -- this has been my place of spilling my guts and I have been very grateful for it... that and my many many miles put in walking in my woods.. you can't walk around with that pain piling up -- you have to purge or it will ruin your life. I'm not just talking about you, I'm talking about ... oh man, just the clusterfucking of fuck that the good Lord seemed to dump on me this year... so many things... but - as always - I come out the other end -- I think stronger, honed like steel, forged in fire -- and a better person I hope because of it all. Yeah, I'm still a big crybaby but... I'm just human.

I pray that 2007 is better... I'm not asking for shetland ponies and gold and glitter, just... good. Just good.

Anyway -- I guess I am never going to get my answer from you or anyone as to why you didn't meet us Aug. 18 last year at the double header game... I promised the Enclave that I would try to get an answer - just because it was SO important to us, and ... when I make a promise, I will do anything I can to fulfill it. I do not like leaving things undone, unproven, or unanswered. I particularly don't like being treated like a nothing, an underling, and those ladies don't deserve it either.. but I am not going to get my answer because you never picked up the PM I sent to you at the last Official message board (the ... what? fourth?? fifth? manifestation of that thing..? jeez) -- the FC prez says you couldn't access that board...LOL (as an admin on boards I just have to laugh at this..) -- anyway -- you can get your password sent to you, you know darling, LOL!! .. but I suspect she set up your account just like now..
I told her I was writing a new one to you at the newest new board (# 5?? 6?? *eyeroll*) and would she please tell you and ... well, I suspect it got picked up but.. not by you. Of course there's no proof on that extremely low quality board and I think she likes it that way .. I'll tell you again -- you should have better, it's embarassing. Aren't you embarassed??? So many people say you must not give a crap, because you let it go on like that -- no attention paid to it - the easiest for her to handle and just awful, awful looking and ... ah well, never mind. LOL You're a big star now, isn't that what you wanted? That site doesn't look like it! Eh, whatever.

I do not care anymore. I know that she read it instead and.. that's the straw that broke the camel's back for me, so..

I don't think I'll visit there ever again. The board lost it's flair, it's fun -- do you remember? Did you ever see the group that was there? WE kept that board going, it was great. We were there every night - having a party in your honor. IN YOUR HONOR. ;) We became friends there, and now we are lifelong friends. Now we are in the Enclave, still having a party every night .. and yes, basically still in your honor. 18 members and over 75,000 posts... the Enclave is so wonderful -- we don't feel as close to you as we did at your place, but... there's just no way we can hang there anymore. It's done and over.

I think you did see your old board back then -periodically, because you asked for a 'place for the ladies' when all the MFYF trolls attacked - just before they crashed it. That was so sweet... anyway -- you have like 5 fans there now that are just annoying as hell, so... I'm done with that place. Now its like the human equivalent of the "It's A Small World" ride... Just... sappy, Annoying as Hell, and so damn Wholesome.... ugh, I can remember just wanting to jump out of the little boat and beat the ever loving daylight's out of one of those stupid Japanese dolls or any of them.... ah well.
Heh heh -- you had Space Mountain - now you've got It's A Small World. Not quite the same, not even close and it'll never be the same again. Nothing will, will it sweet? Never Again.

Back to my PM: All I wanted to do was follow through for the ladies and find out why you dissed us. We just wanted an answer. I wasn't freaking stalking you or anything.. just wanted the answer. I also sent you a pic of us waiting behind the skank dugout (no doubt the FCPrez will go and scoff that one now too).

just lemme say what I wanted to say to you in the PM -- thanks for everything. Every thing.. being a Sock, the grand slam, everything everything! You being you. And I just wanted to say goodbye as I said below... because you are fading in my heart.. and that's good, I guess - though I sort of mourn it.

BUT -- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. OH, I also wanted to say good luck w/ the new baby - spend time with it, love it and just BE A GOOD DAD. And J & M need you still now too, more than ever.. don't forget that. I wish you luck in your personal life - (but not your professional... ;) sorry, sweetness..)

and I also just want to say now that... I think now it was your doing you are.. there. I just read "Feeding The Monster" and... like I've figured all along - you could've made sure the Sox knew the scoop of what was going on, but you LET it stay secret. I think maybe you really did want to go there after all, but maybe had to act like you wanted to stay here because you hurt us so much. Whatever. Under the bridge, like you say. Jason Varitek let it be known he wanted to stay here, and ... alas!
He is here.

I still love ya - especially the man you were or .. I thought you were - whatever -- it was all just fantasy, I enjoyed every freaking moment. And I forgive you, actually. I know you think you don't need to be forgiven, but.. you do.

I still wish that I could someday meet you, but I know now that that is impossible.

I guess I can rescind the #1 Fan title for some other... newbie mfyf... YEAH, RIGHT! F that, a MFYF???? No f-in' way. No, they cannot have that. LOL! *wink

Love,
#1 Fan
(1 and Only, 1st and Last)

Over & Out

Do Some Good & Come Together

OK -- so I read yesterday (OH HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BY THE WAY -- grrrr) One year ago you broke my heart. Fine. Fine and dandy. LOL

So I read yesterday about how you donated like 20 thousand dollars of toys to kids at the Boston's Children Franciscan Hospital -- that was really very nice of you!
Sounds like it was tvs, video games, XBox 360's etc. etc. Wow, that is awesome!

I do hope its not in conjuction with your designation of "Commissioner" of some whatever it is - baseball video gaming tournament league? Of course not.

Anyway -- if you really want to do something positive for society -- you really should get on the bandwagon for this -- first of all, drop that nasty NASCAR fetish thing you have going lately, put down the can of Bud and do something fun and USEFUL for the global community and do it with some cool people for once:

Observing Global Orgasm Day

Show you care

By MICHAEL BRONSKI

December 20, 2006 5:05:13 PM

The 1960s bumper sticker read: what if they gave a war and nobody came? Maybe now, if everybody comes, they won't give the war. Works for me.

Sure, everyone looks forward to winter solstice because we know that after weeks of dreary darkness, they days will get longer and brighter. But the first Global Orgasm Day on Friday, December 22, 2007, should give a new meaning to "Here Comes the Sun."

Organized by Donna Sheehan and Paul Reffell - long-time peace activists who started Baring Witness (baringwitness.org ), which seeks world peace though nudity - Global Orgasm Day is an attempt to change the global tide against war by, well, mass orgasming on a specific day. Before you write this off as crackpot, Sheehan and Reffell explain on their Web site (globalorgasm.org ) that the Global Consciousness Project at Princeton University has measured sustained effects of human consciousness - which emanated during such strenuous events as September 11 and the Indian Ocean tsunami - on matter and energy. So, it actually makes a lot of sense.

Actually, it's a great idea. I mean, who is going to complain except Lynne Cheney, Bill Bennett, and, these days, Mitt Romney? But the best thing about Global Orgasm Day - well, maybe the second-best thing - is that it's a throwback to the wacky yet well-intentioned 1960s, a time when anti-Vietnam war demonstrators, egged on by Abbie Hoffman, once hoped to levitate the Pentagon by meditating and singing "All I am Saying is Give Peace a Chance." Taking ideas from far-out psychologist Wilhelm Reich's The Function of the Orgasm and crossing them with Norman O. Brown's theories in Life Against Death, Sheehan and Reffell have essentially created what seems like the senior-prom theme for UC Berkeley circa 1968.

Let's face it: the Pentagon is asking $468.9 billion for fiscal year 2008, a 6.3 percent increase over its 2007 budget request of $441.2 billion. In hardcore porn talk, that's a "money shot," and we've got to do everything we can to bring peace on earth and good will toward women and men. This may be our last chance to influence President Bush - who seems relatively unmoved by the Iraq Study Group Report - before he announces his major Iraq policy statement in January.

The 1960s bumper sticker read: what if they gave a war and nobody came? Maybe now, if everybody comes, they won't give the war. Works for me.

LOL -- chill out -- it's all in fun. You should be proud of me, I've come a long way baby, one year ago today I was moping around the house crying. F-in' A, I deserve some fun on Christmas to make up for the clusterf*ck crappy one we were handed last year at this time.

Speaking of fun:

finally:




You are a pinata, darling! Hmm! I thought so!

Just Musing...

Normally I wouldn't post about this, but.. its the people who end up on here... maybe its the time of the year - but... you wouldn't believe the number of people who get here searching for "god hates me" or "why does God hate me?"... it seems to be rising during the Christmas time... it makes me feel a little sad.

So -- if you have come in with that question, "why does God hate me?" - please listen to me when I tell you He doesn't. I know, I've been there, Holy Cannoli, more times than I can say.. we ALL get like that, sometimes. Even those people who look like they have the perfect life, get that way... and how silly is that?

The thing is to remember... tomorrow is another day, and things are going to look a little bit better tomorrow. And the next day. So don't ever despair to that point where you do something crazy, because... it will get better and you are going to fix it. You have all the power, after all. Honest you do.

And God loves you - and I do too. Try and look at what blessings you do have. OK, Dr. JTT will leave you be now.. ;D

Now back to how people get here: then there are people looking for lyrics... lately it's "have I ever told you I love you" -- of course, this place comes up.. strangely enough - I don't say it to you -- I say it to Terry Francona. LOL

Have I ever told you I loved you?

I don't know, I don't think so. I don't think ... I would have to, would I? lol

Then there are the people who come on here all the time -- they check in all times of the day and night, several times a day - several different people. If you read this, and you like my blog, I wish you would come and say hi and introduce yourself. Or just say hi. You don't have to comment on here - email me in my profile and just say hello. I always like to 'meet' kindred spirits.

And if you're MLB Security.... LOL! Get a life!! ;)
I'm the best thing that could happen to any famous person - I'm a fan, loyal, dedicated. A fan - and a friend. And so damn safe, its' boring....

December 18

December 18 -- did I hear somewhere that this is/was your anniversary with Angie?

Just wondering. I have a few things I am thinking of writing about, but... it's the busy time of the year - more important than this. I'll just for now write down some lyrics that were in my head during my last forest walk:

You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up for you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This boy's too young to be singing the blues

So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough

Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road ....

Just happens to be my favorite Elton John song. It says so much.

Holiday Get To Know Me List

.... inspired from my friend Novy... and a brief respite from my bitching. Be forewarned that likely after the new year, (since I don't have time to breath right now!) I am starting a new blog that doesn't just bitch about you, Johnny. LOL

I guess it's all part of the process. In the development of this place, this experience, I have decided that I really enjoy blogging, which makes sense as I kept diaries for many years.. this is more fun.

I also realized again just how helpful this was to me to be able to purge my feelings -- and not just in private, but out to the world. It's like a grand validation -- I'm here, and... this is what I'm thinking. In this case, it was more a case of "I'm here -- and I'm unhappy! " LOL!!

But I'm moving on and ... I'm ready for the next phase. This one was awesome, I'll never forget it - ever. It really was unique, I'll say that.

NOW ON TO THE "Getting To Know Youuuu, Getting to Know Allll About Youuuuu..." (Gosh, I always hated that song...)

Get to know me list ...

~~ the Holiday version ~~


1.Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Gosh, that's tough. I love hot chocolate, but... when decorating the tree, egg nog with dark rum and a touch of nutmeg is what is required. ;)

2.Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? He's just the deliverer!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
Both on the tree only. Preferably the lone white strings blinking.. does that make sense?? no..! lol


4.Do you hang mistletoe?
No --- but I would...
if it were worth it. ;)


5. When do you put your decorations up?
Never soon enough -- I still don't have a tree!!!! ;(


6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Well, prime rib is awesome -- I also like crown of lamb roast.... and pie, pie, pie, I love pie!!!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:
That moment when you first come down the stairs... and see the abundance.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I still believe in Santa.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
NO!!!! SACRILEGE!!!

10. How do you decorate your tree ?
With old and new ornaments. I have antique ones and all of the things my son made in elementary school still.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Both. Don't mind it up until like February then it can go the h*ll away for all I care.

12. Can you ice skate?
Yes!!! Very poorly, but I love skating parties! I can make quite a spectacle of myself!

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
I remember more my son's favorite gifts... I enjoy giving very much, its what makes the world go around.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
My Family. Not to mention Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men. And Women.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Pie! And I make some wicked cookies... I also like -- believe it or not -- REAL fruit cake, made with brandy and not that fake crap. I make that too.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Traipsing out and cutting the tree -- all of us, then coming in, decorating it and ... above mentioned egg nog..

17. What tops your tree?
A paper star my son made in first grade with gold glitter.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Absolutely giving.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
This is so easy -- O Holy Night -- I cry every time I hear it.

20. Candy Canes?
Oh yeah, baby and not those cherry flavored imposters!!! Its gotta be peppermint!!!

How I Hate Your Agent and Other Bedtime Stories

... that get repeated year after year, off season after off season. Scott Boras truly is evil. Karmas are being dashed against the trees of life - whoever associates themselves with this evil money grubbing liar will pay in the end... and you are sadly one of them. This whole Daisuke Matsusaka crap and the rumors that it won't go down and get done -- I get a big kick out of this guy having the nerve to say:

"For that system to operate," he said, "there has to be participation among all the parties and if the situation is looked at in one direction or selfishly by any of the parties, then it's not going to work."

Yeah, no shit, Borass -- like maybe for once YOU shouldn't be the selfish party!! Didja ever think of that??? I'm sorry, but your agent has got a hell of a nerve talking about selfishness.

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
James Thurber

I predict it will get done at the last second. What does Boras care if Dice goes back to Japan humiliated and looked at with contempt because he will be seen by his own people as being overly greedy?? How will his ex team feel about giving back the $51 million? I can hear ol' Scotty now: "Not to worry -- next year George-san guarantee me that you will get that and more!" Yeah, and Scott, George and MLB will find some loophole that gets him back on the market next year if it does fall through. I'd bet anything. We all know that Boras wanted the skanks to win the bid, expected it -- and so did Dice. Tough shit, Georgie didn't pull the trigger enough this time.

I truly despise all of the participants in this joke right now.


Especially this ass

Along with every other right thinking person in the world.

Like Sands Through The Hour Glass

...so are the days of our lives. lol

And as time passes - I get less angry with you over dissing us August 18th. As the pain fades a little more, day by day, I am a little surprised to realize the other things I remember from that day.

Even though I prayed so much that I might get my ultimate, ultimate wish to just meet you once.... I do understand that for whatever reason, it was not meant to be. I would've loved that though. I would've taken that with me for the rest of my life as a ... very wonderful moment.

But.. I didn't leave completely empty handed I realize now... because you did acknowledge me. I was with some other members of the Enclave right out behind you in the bleachers (curse those damn bleachers - ugh) and we were surrounded by the most moronic men. They jeered you and screamed at you like ditched lovers the entire game! Novy had her sign and I had mine.

Novy's was very nice looking, very precise and neat - her mom had made it for her -- mine -- (LOL) -- mine was a .. paradigm of passion - the epitome of excitement... lol It was written in BIG BLACK letters -- big fat Magic Marker (nope, the brand name Sharpie does not apply here..) on Fluorescent Yellow poster board! LOL

A BIG RED ARROW. taped on and pointing to... me.
Your #1 Fan Is Right Here! it said.



JTT wants to be noticed.

Toward the latter part of the game (this was the longest nine inning game in history too, by the way -- lots of people left, not one Enclavian left..) you were in the outfield, right in front of me... for some reason, for a brief moment, the drunken fools were all either tired of screaming at you as much, or they had dropped their hot pretzels or something because for a Split. Second. .... you were walking back toward me - you were hesitant to look up because of all the jerks -- I don't think Novy was there, not sure, but I know she didn't have her sign up next to me -- I took the opportunity when it wasn't so boisterous and stood up with my fluorescent yellow sign. For


just



one



moment



it was just me standing up and you looking up. Just you and me. You quickly and discreetly acknowledged me - you touched the brim of your cap. The screamers saw it and pounced on it like a pack of wild hyenas again, but.. it was too late.

I had received it. It was for me, and I got it.

When you turned back around, you also lifted your hand with a little backward wave -- I am not sure if that was this exact same time or another around there... but I got a tip and the Enclave got a little wave. Thank you.

It's funny, I had almost forgotten this little diamond chip of a moment in my hurt over not getting to meet you when we were told we would.. but I'm able to acknowledge it back now and... I am happy that I at least do have that. I'm the type of person I am grateful for anything that I have, for anything I get.

And sometimes in life, you don't get more. Sometimes you have to be satisfied with what you are given, what you are dealt.

But its all in the preparation, too, darling, isn't it? Try as you might, you just couldn't ignore that fluorescent yellow sign with the whacked out lettering the entire night! LOL Once you look

past

the screamers -- I hope you see the people who still care for you and about you. And who -- just miss you. We were up there - and I'm sure there will be those there next year too.

So.. sorry to say-you did acknowledge your #1 fan after all. I wish I could have the opportunity to try it again next year, but... the rest of them were quite disenchanted with the whole thing, and especially the Yankee game and the way we got ripped off on paying for those seats... see, it was worth it when we thought we were going to meet you -- it was a pain in the ass (literally) sitting up there with a bunch of jerks having not met you. They decided they'd rather get true value for some better seats at a Sox game played against a different team than the Yankees... so... I guess I won't get the chance again.

Oh, by the way, I would be willing to sit in those squished seats surrounded by the rank and file haters for over a hundred dollars again if I thought I could meet you. I'd still do it. And I suppose I'd go home disappointed again. But...it's all in the preparation.

Novy and I prepared for meeting you. Quite honestly - we planned it perfectly. We did everything that needed to be done. We made one little mistake. We BELIEVED that ... liar who told us we were going to meet you. Your fan club president, and as time goes on, we are convinced more and more that she never did ANYTHING to arrange it for us and bullshitted us from the beginning. Ah well, what are you going to do. It's over now.
And the opportunity will not arise again.

But so, I belatedly thank you for tipping your cap to me. To me. For a moment - we connected. That's still something.
Well its all I have so I accept it.

Have a nice offseason, baby. Get nice and fat. We love you no matter what.

Happy Birthday

Yeah, I know, I'm 3 days late. Rest assured, on the 5th I knew it was your birthday and wished you a happy one. It's not like you actually get the greetings and well wishes you know.. lol

Anyway, I'm in a horrific funk right now. No money, no job... I'm scared to death. Christmas is coming... taxes... not enough money. And it stinks. But I'll survive, I guess. Winter around the corner... It's getting cold. It's raining. Cold November Rain..
No entertainment, no baseball, no Sox, certainly heaven forbid, no you. That's long gone.
You left.

I had all kinds of things I thought I wanted to say but... right now I'm too bummed to even bother.

Happy Birthday. May Year 33 bring you... wisdom.

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you?

Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

-- "Cold November Rain" - Guns n'Roses

----------------------
lol
Some time ago I saw a hot picture of hockey player Vinny Lecavalier...
I scanned it knowing I wanted to make it into you..
It reminds me of a Resurrection -- but... I've waited like a year to do anything with it - because....

I did not want you resurrected in NY. It was still in the balance..
I still do not, but... it's too late, hopefully that will never happen now.
No. It's not going to.

But it is a freaking HOT picture I made.
Full body. I love it. It's on my desktop.
I'll just show ya a peek, but.. man, the rest is HOT.
I just miss you still. Ya think?

If I can't see your body, then rest assured I'll make one. lol
I need a freaking hammer to the brain I guess. lol




all apologies to Mr. Lecavalier...

Oh Superman, Where Have You Gone?

Just wanted to say someone posted this link:

One Beacon Court

You will of course recognize this as your new little home.
As I look at it, I am struck how much this reminds me of that place Superman went to ... what was it, his Fortress of Solitude, or something?
Maybe this is your "Fortress of Solitude" .. maybe it's something else...
But it looks as damn chilly and cold as that frozen spiky place in the Arctic Superman went.
I guess six mill doesn't buy what it used to, eh?

Anyplace that uses the word "austere" as a selling point --- wow, cozy.

Is that you?
Just curious.

tried to break the mold
severed whole
first you find your threshold bevels
breathing out your toxic levels

long slow rope is hangin
now we know what's comin

oh Superman
where have you gone?

with a little more time
and a six leaf clover
just a little more head
to make you bolder
just a little more sound
a little more sound..

baby's playing tricks you know
she got sucked so dry
now you only know how to lose

-- "Superman" - Bush

There; I said a little of what I wanted to today... I guess I feel a little better.
I just can't express myself like I'd like to or used to, I guess, because --

why?

John 19:30

"It is finished."

When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar,
he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and
gave up his spirit.

At least for this year. All through this year, all through this blog, there was one overriding wish, one desire -- ONE NEED. I stated many times that it's okay if you do well yourself, if you can go through this season without being injured... that's cool, that's fine -- as long as the mfys do not win it all.

AS LONG AS THE YANKEES DO NOT WIN IT ALL.

I am happy to announce, people -- that there IS A GOD, after all. Yes, Virginia: there is a Santa Clause.
Hallelujah. I got ONE wish answered this year and I am grateful.
I suspect that most baseball fans are. How glorious it is to bask in the knowledge that the fatted calf could not pull themselves up. That bloated Yankee team showed their true colors.

How wonderful to know - Johnny! That YOU did not resurrect them, that you did not 'entertain' them sufficiently. That you had NO IMPACT on their dourness.
How sad that you chose to go there still.

Now - here's my feeling that I've had all along. I may never find out if its true or not, but I've always felt -- if anyone offered you 5 or 6 years like you claim -- it was the Tigers.

Why do I think that? Because it was bandied about a lot during last winter. How you would've been a great choice for them.. and when you stated in your what we call 'black sweater interview'.. the one you gave to Dan Roche, you say "there was another team with more guaranteed money. But they couldn't guarantee winning.." I felt at the time when Gammons and everybody else was speculating that the Tigers would make you an offer, "no way he's going to go play for the last place Tigers!! I don't care how much they pay him or for how long."
That's what you said too, isn't it?
How did it feel sitting in the dugout watching the TIGERS knock off the inflated pinstripe pretenders? I bet it must've been enough to make you want to....
.. what?

Laugh?

LOL. I just happened to be watching then. Thank Goodness. I came in when it was looking so good -- I mean. You guys were TOAST. Done. There would be no comebacks today. Ineffective. Talk about Tiger towels, your teammates threw in the towel.

But then they showed you in the dugout. A beautiful, big smile on your face. I haven't seen that smile in so long, my heart lept. Then... I don't know what you were talking about with the guy next to you but your little nose skrinkled in such an endearing way.... I was wishing I had it on tape. And I thought to myself "hoo boy, you best watch out, you are going to catch hell for that."

Maybe you were saying just then "Man, how ironic is it I blew off the Tigers 'cuz I wanted to win. *chuckle... *nose crinkle* That sucks." LOL

I've enjoyed reading all the mfyfs crying about it -- such pleasure. Crying over you smiling. Pleasure! All for me. I love it. Thank you for it.

'Cause it made me feel like Secret Agent John Damon had been there all along -- undercover, incognito... man, you did a good job. Because George BOUGHT YOU to entertain the troops. And you couldn't do it.

Bob Klapisch (who seems like he really likes to write about you.. - is someone leaking these stories to him, like James? Cuz you sure look good here, ah'm just sayin') wrote:

It was late August when Johnny Damon took a long, hard look around the clubhouse and was appalled at what he saw.

"Let's go motherfuckers, wake up," Damon shouted. The center fielder had had enough of the Yankees' listlessness; it was so disturbingly different from the crazy energy he once shared with the Red Sox at Fenway. But instead of rallying the Yankees, Damon was met with silence.

That, and a cold stare across the room from Randy Johnson. Damon was so unnerved by the apathy, he later asked a team official, "Did I do something wrong?"

Sadly, that incident serves as a microcosm of the 2006 Yankees, and is why George Steinbrenner will soon fire Joe Torre. Despite the billion dollars he's spent since the last world championship in 2000, The Boss has only a series of October failures to show for it. The Yankees are rich, but soft. They can hit, but not when it counts. They talk about pinstripe tradition, but the roster is plagued by petty rivalries and jealousies that act as a cancer in the postseason.

Yeah, you did something wrong. Hellloooo, darling -- YOU WENT THERE. You CHOSE to be in that locker room instead of in the Sox locker room. Surprise Yankees! And surprise to you too, dear: YOU weren't the one that made the Sox clubhouse loose. Yeah, you contributed, but I think we both know it was Millar mostly... and the genuine affection that the players had for each other, right? Yeah, your image was that of a non-conformist, wild and crazy guy, but... that was just image, wasn't it? You really aren't that much of a non-conformist at all, are you? Because you're really a follower. I'm not putting you down, I'm just telling you that I can see it all now. There's nothing wrong with being a follower. But those closest to you... they convinced you you were more, could be more.... and you believed them. But I hope you are finally seeing -- like that song "Open Your Eyes" you sang at the Avalon with Alter Bridge that night.... that they don't know shit. Its all about the green, darling. You see it now? Or did you always know, and don't give a shit yourself..? Who knows.

All I care is you weren't their savior, after all. You didn't work miracles, you didn't resurrect them...
I am so grateful.

Because if God had allowed that to happen... then that would've been it. To me that may as well as been proof positive that there is no God. How could something like that happen after them stealing you from us? It would've been too much to bear.

So happy to see your beautiful smile.

It's like that was for us. In the end... it's like you thought of us.
It was an amazing sight, and how strange that it should be caught on camera like that... it's a sign, dearest.... isn't it.

It's a sign.

So are you going to stick it out there three more years? Are you going to tell us someday about how sickening it was in that clubhouse, really? You were used to the best, baby... now you see the difference. You thought you'd win it all, but what did you win? You won nothing.

Thank you God. Thank you Goddess. Thank you Jesus. Thank you whoever.
One year down. Three to go. May you have NOTHING to show for it in the end.

And in the End, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

John 19:35 - And he that hath seen hath borne witness, and his witness is true: and he knoweth that he saith true, that ye also may believe.

------------
*ahem* - Just a wee bit of gloating: wrote in here back during the World Baseball Classic this spring:

Thanks yankess -- thanks for choking.... A-GAIN. Ahog: 0 for 3, Jeter: 0 for 4. Oh, but Jon Miller & Co. was just about yanking themselves (yank-ing.. hmm. how significant..) over those two. It's sickening. I pray so much that come November everyone is talking about them -- and how they CHOKED. Again.

LOL -- make that early, early October they are saying it.
Glory Glory Hallelujah.

Oh, went out and bought a Tigers hat. GO TIGERS!!! ;)


PS: You would've made an awesome Tiger, darling.
You and Mags would've had the power of the hair still...



-----------
edited: later tonight. after hours.
Still miss you pookie.
-----------
If you believe in the power of faith just think of the sheer numbers of people who do not want you to win a ring there -- and the sheer strength of that conviction cannot overpower that city's desire. You already know our power of believing, of faith -- how could you think we would let you get what you want if you left us? Our love was too strong and the hurt too heavy to let it go. Jason Varitek calls the Fenway Faithful the 10th man. The power of RSN helped you to beat them in 2004 when everyone said it couldn't happen -- maybe it can also keep you from realizing your dream there - ever.

I Don't Think I Can Do This

Watch the stinking Yankees win.
George's purchased All Star Team against the hapless Tigers. It's too ridiculous, it's too lopsided. It's too convenient, that they should match up.

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy?

How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

----------

You said in your latest little suck up piece on the mfy website that

"The biggest difference might be that Boston fans don't really let you breath as much. The game is more religion to them, and so much of what they do on a day-to-day basis revolves around the Red Sox.

In New York, the fans enjoy their Yankees in a real big way, but they seem to have a lot more going on in their lives."

Thank you for admitting that mfyfans don't care as much about the game as we do - that is, until they are in the playoffs, then they act like they've been 'all about it' all along. Yes, the Red Sox are a religion in Boston, New England, Johnny -- don't try and suck up to your stupid fans trying to act like you don't think that's better. Because you LOVED it. You benefitted from that more than anybody. You DRANK IT IN. Now you're stuck there, being almost a NOBODY and you can pretend you like that better, but you don't, do you?

I hope you lose. Do you know how it feels to see you play and hope that you strike out, miss the ball, hurt yourself? No, you don't know how it feels because you have no feelings. You're a mercenary, a hired gun. A Yankee.

precious

Home is behind
The world ahead
and there are many paths to tread
Through shadow to the edge of night
until the stars are all alight
Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
All shall... fade.
- Pippin sings to Denethor

I'll Cry Monday

That's what I told myself in the shower on Saturday.

Running it through my mind - trying as much to make sense of it as much as trying to ignore it. I felt the pain backed up inside me - I put on my happy face and attitude... which, wasn't fake, by the way... I was very happy and I did have a great attitude.

But I could still feel the pressure inside.
We talked about it, all of us -- throwing out scenarios and situations, whys and what fors... maybe I threw out the most. But I didn't get close to any part that might make me go. Because I knew I was very, very close to the edge of 'going.'
"It is what it is." I'd say, trying to explain the pain away.

I have experience crying alone. It's what I do. I don't let others in when I am really 'feeling'. It has to be a genuine experience, the Full Monty - it has to be totally let go, or its a waste of time. I can't hold back. My philosophy about facing bad things, be it a trip to the dentist, gynecologist, or confronting something else is "Get it over with." Do it -- and then you can look back after and say, "ah.. now it's behind me."

Anyway, Saturday morning I was in the shower at the hotel and just allowed myself to think about 'it' for a moment... I just found myself wondering if you ran away from us on purpose, or were you totally unaware of the whole thing. Then I thought I hoped you didn't think we were groupies or something (you probably would've liked that better actually...) and I started to think "I just wanted to meet you...." JUST that one little thing.. for one moment... and it started. I felt that dangerous release of pressure starting to come forth from my eyes and it's like "OK boys -- she's opening up the floodgates, let's move on out!" but no. I stopped it. Cut it off right there. I am not coming out of the shower with red eyes... even if I were the type to say I got shampoo in my eyes, no one would believe me. So I said "I'll cry Monday." When I'm alone.

But I really haven't. Today its Friday.. and although I have felt like letting it rip a little, I've really been too busy trying to get my life on track again to pine over you too much. I know I will. Likely the dreaded Whore Moans will play a part, no doubt.. *eye roll*

ha ha - I just remembered another moment in the shower... after I shut myself down about the crying... putting it off... I made myself chuckle by singing "I'm Going To Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair" -- while lathering up a storm.... I actually made myself smile. At a time when smiling was kind of a hard thing to come by.

I suppose I should explain some -- since you may not even know anything about it. Oh, and by the way -- I KNOW you aren't reading this... lest you forget, this is how I purge my feelings about everything. I write to you. It is my therapy. MY therapy. It makes me feel better.

So... the plan was ... we were supposed to meet you. It was all arranged! Or so we thought. We had the date, we even had a TIME. We met up with your fan club president at Beer Works and we all went over according to her arrangements. Novy and I worked this for ... what? 6 months?? Biding our time - trying not to appear too over anxious... heck, YOU YOURSELF even answered Novy and said you would have your fan club president set something up for us and to REMIND you as it got closer...

Man, what better moment was there than that?! We thought August 18th would be a better moment. Except for me... I never really allowed myself to believe it would come off... it's my armor... I try as much as possible to keep adequate distance from things that can really hurt me if they don't pan out. The thought of finally meeting you (and saying GOODBYE to all this) was too much to BELIEVE, and then have fall flat. So I never allowed myself that excitement. I prepared myself for the bitter disappointment.

I'm so glad I did. Unfortunately, I don't think some of the other girls there took my advice about this -- or are unable to use this technique adequately. They were.. quite honestly, I guess to say they were various levels of devastated is not over reacting.
Anyway. So we go to the gate that the inside person was helping us with. This person was WONDERFUL, by the way. I wish I could tell this person how much I appreciate them trying to help us... with all the crappy people and situations I have had to deal with this year, to meet such a genuinely nice person with no agenda but to help me realize a DREAM -- is... I just can't find words. In fact, NOW I am on the verge of crying thinking about the kindness of a stranger... I wish I could tell you thanks. But of course -- I ASKED your dumb fan club president to give me the person's email or SOMETHING so I could thank them but no, she skipped over my QUESTION because, quite honestly, her attention to detail is so short sighted - so downright POOR ... it's... it's just amazing. Anyway... I'm ahead of myself.

We get in an HOUR earlier than the public - as soon as the first game is cleared out of stragglers. We go down to behind the Yankee dugout... ok, its not exactly what I had hoped... all I wanted to do was shake your hand and say thank you and I wasn't going to get to do that because I couldn't have reached. Now I have to lower my (I think) meager expectations down to you signing something. Truly, who gives a shit about you signing something? Not me. But... really, I guess I lower my hopes down to making eye contact with you. I'm not shitting; that alone would've been terrific for me. Seriously. I am that low maintenance. I am... that much a romantic. LOL

Arod and Rivera come out and sit 15 feet to my right and sit there for at least HALF an hour... no you. Mike Myers comes and goes back and forth several times and even talks to us... no you. The ENTIRE team comes out a stretches for 20 minutes. No you.

I am in Yankee Hell. We stood there THREE hours. You were supposed to come meet us before the crowd got in. We were dying - of thirst and heat. Not one of us, especially me, dared go and get a water or anything -- I KNEW that if I left, I'd miss you entirely. Maybe I should've, at least the others would've gotten to meet you.. :|

I think the best moment came when your fan club president looked me in the eye and said "I'm so excited for you guys. You ARE going to meet him." Then I believed. That was pretty cruel, to set my heart up for that when I'd worked so hard to keep it safe. That optimistic feeling didn't last long -- as time dragged on in the sun, I was starting to get a little worried... about me and some of the others... I thought I might pass out... I had to sit and put my head on my arms on the top of the dugout. I know my friends were worried about me.. they know that I probably loved you more than anyone... I'm sure they thought I was crying or something sappy like that but... not now. Not today. Monday.

I just had to put my head down and close my eyes because I was dizzy. My back was killing me from standing on the concrete so long. I also had to come to grips with the knowledge that indeed -- this was not going to happen. The hardest part was trying to push back the thoughts that you did it on purpose... to send a message or something...? I mean, you never struck me as being mean like that... but... what the fuck do I know?

As I've stated before, nothing.

The place FILLED up eventually with fans.... Yankee fans yelling at "Mr. Rodriguez!" to just turn around so they could take a photo of he and Rivera and that piece of crap looking at them with such a sneer, I thought "no wonder you are hated wherever you go, you piece of dog turd." Your new buddy. Of course, Rivera seemed to be a normal human being anyway.. Billy Crystal came next to the dugout not 5 feet from me. Fucking mfyfs. Surrounded by! ... this is going from bad to worse, but then again -- I AM THE IDIOT standing behind the skank dugout, aren't I?

Just so I can say goodbye.

Your fan club president is babbling (bragging) on and on periodically about how you ALWAYS go and see her when you know she's there... how you WILL come over when you see her. She's telling Mike Myers to tell you She's There. She's telling some gofer to tell you She's There -- don't I hate being the coat tails in this situation... it's demeaning. I am demeaning myself more and more, minute by minute. I'm standing here with anticipation like a fucking 16 year old groupie, and I'm not a fucking groupie -- I was your fan. Your HUGE fan. Your goddamn biggest fan. Number Fucking One. IDIOT.

Would've bet money that you wouldn't have played both games in the doubleheader... not that you couldn't, but that it would just be my luck, that you wouldn't play our game. I wouldn't even be able to see you right in front of me in center field.... if you go back in this blog; I make that prediction... at least I was wrong about that. Unfortunately I was right about this other thing. No Johnny.

You've made it a fine art of hurting me in the last 8 months.. that's not going to happen anymore.

This great guy Anthony (aside from the skank hat he had on) was so sweet taking pictures of us with our cameras, etc. We looked at him and he gave us the head's up... you were finally in the dugout... okay, well, maybe I was at least going to get to see you up close (lowered expectations even more.. I am now slithering along my belly in dignity) -- I was right in the place where your fan club president said you'd be coming up the steps. RIGHT THERE in front of me. LOL!! Next thing I knew, you ran up the furthest steps to the left and onto the field to stretch a bit, warmup. Just zwoop! As far away as you could've come out and running away ... ah!! the sweet torture! the irony!!! LOL - Shakespeare himself could hardly write a more tragic scene... ;) My vision of this will always be you running away from us. From me. And maybe that's the way it was supposed to be after all...

Rolling all of this around in my head in my hotel bed that night ... I came to this conclusion... (JTT's self preservation mode will never be trumped...)

You know how I like to bring some entertainment into my blog (other than my wailing)... music, movies, lyrics... I'm thinking of the movie Signs... I'm laying there hearing Mel Gibson say

"Sure, there are a lot of people watching this who think this could be a bad thing, but there are a lot of people watching this, who think it's a miracle. A Sign of God's existence. It's all in how you look at things Merrill. What you have to decide is what kind of person you are? Are you the type who believes in miracles and looks for signs or are you the kind who believes, things just happen by chance?"

My Enclavian counterparts knew what I wanted. All I wanted (and it doesn't sound like much to me, but... I suppose to you it sounds like... a LOT) was ideally, to shake your hand, look you in the eye, and say "Thank you". For everything. There's NO WAY I could ever express what you've meant to me (probably one reason for this crazy blog..) no matter what time was allotted... and then I would've ideally just liked to whisper in your ear - close to one of those beautiful, big, dopey Dumbo ears... "goodbye." In my wildest fantasies... that was all.. just a touch of drama.. to come full circle, back to the beginning, the way I wanted to end this story.

Because this story is done. I thought it might happen, that for once God would throw me 'that bone' I've asked for for so long, and give me my Ultimate Fitting Ending for my Most Inconvenient Magnificent Obsession... just over two years lost - truly lost. You have no idea. No one does. No one ever will. (Now I'm hearing Bush: 'No one knows, never will, mostly me but mostly you. What do you say, do you do - when it all comes down?')

I said that that was all I wanted and I could go off into that good night. Be done. 3 and out. But my Enclavian sisters, who may know me better after all than I know myself said "we dunno; if you meet him, touch him, smell him (lol) -- you won't be able to 'get out'. You'll be worse than ever, you'll be still where you are or worse. It's NOT going to end."

Laying in my bed, I smiled and thought - I think they were right. I wanted this, for ME, to experience you. Maybe I couldn't have taken it. Maybe after all.. this is the best thing. To be PISSED at you. How DARE you diss me? You were supposed to KNOW -- did you know or did you NOT know??? Did you forget?? Or did you do it on purpose for some lame reason? (I just can't believe this). Your fan club president (as careless and shortsighted as she is, no KIDDING) insisted that you knew. That she was in contact w/your brother and he supposedly with you. Who knows!!! She said herself you have a brain 'like a sieve.' Well, again -- you're preaching to the choir here, lady!! We know that!! But Jesus!! lol

So.. in the end, I think I choose to believe that... maybe God doesn't hate me after all. Maybe... He helped me - knowing how I am, better than myself... knowing what I needed to stop this and move on. I really believe this.

If you've ever followed this blog, you might know there is a mighty battle between faith and doubt going on here.... I want to still believe so much, but I feel so abandoned sometimes. So I had to ask myself

"--- what kind of person are you? Are you the type that sees signs? Sees miracles? Or do you think that people just get lucky?"

and I literally thought to myself ... perhaps this isn't any coincidence. Perhaps it was the only way I can really move on with my life in the appropriate manner that I should be.Perhaps someone was looking out for me.

"Is it possible that there are no coincidences?"

Like Merrill, the brother of Mel Gibson in the movie, played wonderfully by Joaquin Phoenix, I have to answer "I'm the first type." To my surprise, I am able to state with all assurance: I do believe in miracles, I do believe that someone is looking over us. Even me.

So if the 'Alpha' of this little story started in the summer of 2002, when I made you my favorite player because of how you played, then August 18, 2006 was the 'Omega'. I think it's finally over... this love affair. It's not like its been lopped off with a cleaver, it's going to take some conscious effort on my part still to let it go. But I think I can now. And that's progress, believe me.

And you did nothing less than to state that day, on August 18, 2006 that

"The fans and myself have to move on. We can't continue to remember that love affair we had for four years. It is what it is now."

And of course, you're right. You pull away, we pull away, and I pull away.. and all that's left is a time, a place -- a sweet memory that will always be there and always bring a little smile to my face. And yours, I venture.

How funny; as I just read that, I realized you used the term I used all that weekend, to the point I'm sure I annoyed some of my Enclave girls... "It is what it is." That's how I justified the crappy situation we'd just gone through. How strange... and how zen of us - together.

Friday night, I hated you. I hated your fan club president and I hated myself even more for being so gullible. But now, right now, I don't hate you. For some stupid reason, I can't hate you. I don't believe you would do that on purpose. I just don't. So I think it was outside circumstances or lack of communication. I know I did everything I could've to make this happen for us. The rest was out of my control. So I release it. I won't let it keep me from going forward.

The rest of the weekend was a blast. Meeting my Enclavian sisters in person for the first time was truly one of the most fun and satisfying things I've ever done. And I have to look at it like -- this is one of the reasons all of this craziness happened. To meet these women. I've thanked you before and I'll thank you again. YOU brought us together, it was our mutual love of you that made me find some great and I believe, lifelong friends. LOL, you dumbass, you don't know it, but you're the one who missed out on meeting your biggest fans E V E R. And even worse, you ended up losing most of them. Truly, you may 'have it all' -- but I wonder what you really have.

Because here's what I've found out also... because being one of those people who believe in signs, believe there is a reason for things that happen, at least most times... I had to ask myself, "WHY did this whole midlife crisis thing happen?" It was out of my control, I just rode with the flow.. a lot has happened, not all for the best because of it. And I think I know what I was supposed to take from it all, this is what I've learned:

I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have a wonderful, handsome man and family, all my very own. Who LOVE me, adore me in fact, despite all of my faults and peccadillos (of which there are many). We may not be rich, and we may not be fancy -- but we have a strength of a bond that I'd say 90% of families in America can not claim. My husband is my best friend on the planet and has been for many, many years. I KNOW -- that he has never cheated on me and I know he never will. The truth is this: if my wildest fantasies had come true and I had the opportunity to ever be with you ... I do not believe I could have. I've thought about it. When that moment came when there was no crossing back over the edge.... I couldn't have done it. I could not have betrayed that trust. Not that man. What an interesting revelation that was.

That's how I know I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have it a THOUSAND times better than your wife or any MLB wife. I would not want to be in any of their Manolo Blauhnik shoes. She can't even LET you go on road trips without watching over you like a hawk, huh? That is a sad, SAD life, my friend -- she must like the money, because .. you couldn't pay ME to live with that soul deep distrust.

Even your fan club president said "I don't think she trusts him." Well, no shit. That is crystal clear to anyone who pays the scantest attention to you two. And that's ok, because it doesn't affect me at all in any way. Except make me more grateful.

A part of me will always love you. The guy you WERE. Or that I thought you were. Imagined you were. I will always remember that long haired sweetheart standing out in the triangle at Fenway... with that beautiful big Cheshire cat smile. I miss him so much. He's gone. He's like, literally dead.

He's replaced with an overacting clown trying to entertain the dark, dour Yankees - I'm surprised you haven't come out with a big red nose and a mini tricycle. A smarmy, cheezy mustache (yeah,I think you should all go with that *eye roll), a pageboy haircut and a gay striped costume. Nope. You aren't 'hot' anymore. And you are working for the enemy, you are working literally for the dark side. You epitomize what is wrong with the world.

My Johnny Damon is gone. Johnny Jesus is dead. And I'm done grieving. You are a tough little motherfucker. You are a potent drug. But I'm a tough little motherfucker too. My husband calls me one of the strongest people he's ever met. Resilient as all get out.

Now get out.


Edited: One more thing I think I had to learn from my midlife crisis: I think when I started this whole thing I was subconsciously lamenting my lost youth -- isn't that what all midlife crises are about? No matter when you have them? That's why I fell in love with a younger man and lived a fantasy with him in my mind for a long time. I can't sit here and tell you I regret one moment of it, not one. I've known people who have gone through times like this and have a terrible time of it. Nine times out of ten, they come out of it medicated -- and I'm not kidding, don't laugh! ;)

LOL -- I loved every minute and I thank you for it. Just being you. And I realized today that I've never felt better or sexier in my whole life... and I am now relishing being .... yeah, older. I can say it. 'Cause it is what it is, right?

So I feel sorta like Arne Saknussemm ....

Down and down they plunged into the huge gallery, but on regaining their senses found their raft rising at tremendous speed. Trapped in the shaft of an active volcano they rose through the ages of man to be finally expelled out on a mountain-side riddled with tiny lava streams.
Their journey was completed and they found themselves 3000 miles from their original starting point in Iceland. They had entered by one volcano and they had come out by another. With the blue mountains of Calabria in the east they walked away from the mountain that had returned them.
-- Rick Wakeman, "Journey to the Center of the Earth"

I feel just like I entered one volcano and came out another.... it's been a wild, wild, wonderful trip.

But now I'll give one more quote from my darling Mel Gibson (what is it with me and handsome, talented, but ultimately flawed men?) in Braveheart:


FREEDOM!!!

Living on the Edge II

I am so on edge.
I am so excited.
I don't know if I can stand it.

I know nothing stays the same
But if youre willing to play the game
Its coming around again
So dont mind if I fall apart
Theres more room in a broken heart

The Devils Made Him Do It

my hands are tied
my body's bruised
she got me with
nothing to win and
nothing left to lose

and you give yourself away
and you give yourself away
and you give
and you give
and you give yourself away

with or without you....

I am sitting here. I am alone. I have had some domestic situations today .. it is hot, humid. Tomorrow is going to be 95.
In advance of that news, and in response to the day today... I am sitting here writing with several cold beverages in my body...
So who knows what will happen? Will I even publish this? Will I leave it up?

I have been putting off this entry... because it upsets me and things have been fairly... even keeled lately, keeping with my Titanic theme... lol

But why should it upset me? That some articles lately and now the publishing of a book only VINDICATES what I have thought from the very beginning?? That what every red blooded Enclavian has known all along??

That the devils made you do it??

LOL -- I'm a joker. I'm sarcastic, I'm clever, I'm ...off the wall a little, totally WHACKED. ;)
Which one of these am I in saying that? None.

I think I'm truthful.

When I read what I have pasted below, I feel the pang of certain knowledge -- of things that I shouldn't know, but I do somehow know, that a lot of us know. It doesn't make hearing it from your mouth any easier.

Switching sides wasn't easy.

"I pondered the decision for about 10 days," Damon said last week while the Yankees played at Citizens Bank Park. "I wanted to go back. I really did. But I talked to a lot of friends and family members, and everyone was saying, 'You've got to do this.'

Everyone was saying "you've got to do this."
WHY - EXACTLY did you have to do this? Have you asked yourself this about a HUNDRED TIMES!???
Again, my instincts tell me YES. Will you admit it?? NO. That's fine.
It doesn't change what is going on inside.

What is it about you that people think they can manipulate you? Because that is what it really seems like out here. I think you're a sweetheart, I don't really think you have a mean bone in your body to tell you the truth, but you also seem to be under the impression that everyone around you has your best interests at heart..
I see it differently. We all do. We see the people under the pinata, waiting for the free goodies!! You go out on the road busting your ass and others are whoopdy dooing it up. That's great! Its great work if you can get it, I'd be the first to admit it. But it doesn't change the fact that it affected a lot of people.
I understand. A few people are more important than a vast nation. Right? Of course.
As long as those few people have YOUR best interests in mind - since you're the fucking pay check. JUST MAKE SURE THAT'S NOT ALL YOU ARE. Johnny Paycheck.

You should've followed YOUR heart. That's all I'm saying, that's all I care about. Sound weird? Yeah, it is weird these days, its called 'unselfishness.' A very rare commodity -- hardly found in the natural world these days. Damned near to being an extinct species. I just wish I were your friend so you could have just one person who isn't just a 'yes' person around you. You need that, you know. Everyone does. And I say I have nothing to gain, but that's not true either, I'd still have you.


The Enclave knows I've been fighting negative feelings lately about how this all came to be. I've been doubting you. Doubting your truthfulness -- thinking that maybe all along, you've always dreamed of being on that mfy team.. and who knows - to me you were on the greatest team... see, I don't have a career in that, so.. I look at it from my birthright point of view...its as much a part of me as is my scotch/irish heritage... my freckles... my sense of humor... I was born with it! I can't change it! I've often daydreamed..if my son was fortunate enough to ever be a professional athlete... well, I'd want him to be a Red Sock! LOL Or a Patriot! I mean, WTF would I do if he were say, a ... Cubbie. And the Cubs and the Red Sox are in the WS... ok, that's not really a fair example, because I'd love the Cubs to win the WS -- not at the expense of the Sox, of course, but.... let's say he was a BRAVE. And I'm at the WS as his Mom! I'm sorry, kiddo - but I've got Red Sox gear on. I'm rooting for the Sox! I'm rooting for my son too, of course, but my team is the Sox. If the Braves win, and my son wins the WS -- well, I'm happy for him believe me, its a NO LOSE situation for me .... but a person has to have loyalty to things - other than themself ... of course my son is the most important thing in the world to me, but.. that would be hard.. and you don't understand that team loyalty thing though, and no one around you does -- I get that now.

However if my son ends up on the mfy's -- all bets are off. I bet you anything, ANYTHING -- lol -- I'd still be pissed if they beat us in the ALCS... man, that would REALLY be hard. I'd hate to see my son in pinstripes. I'd be embarassed. I know how your KIDS feel... they're smart kids you say, huh. Yeah -- they hated the yankees, I hope they still do. Good kids.

Now for that new book Feeding The Monster... and all I can say is -- I just am not surprised at all by this, and I'll tell you why. And I'll tell you that all of us feel pretty close to the same way... you got taken.

Didn't you? You'll likely never admit it, cuz you're a guy and guys don't like to admit someone got the better of them, but... you got screwed. I think your guy Scotty was likely in contact with the mfy's long before D Day - Defection Day. We all know, we all knew, that they wanted you.. but Darling -- are you SO NEEDY from being left alone as a kid that the people who put out the most feelers are going to get your heart going pitter pat?? Sweetness, you're a grown man now, you've been making millions playing a kids' game for years now... it can't be that cut and dried.

Or can it? Those mfy's obviously saw the void in the FO, the chaos and took advantage of it -- gave YOU a midnight deadline as if Cinderella's freaking coach was going to turn back into a pumpkin! And from what I read, your guy you are no doubt paying millions to is on the west coast with another client.. leaving you basically alone to deal with it.. did you see it? Did you see it transpiring? Or were you so hurt that you just said "f- them, I'm going to do it!" You said above you wanted to change your mind.. I think you really did. If only you had -- you would've been ... eh for me to say is just.. you won't get it, but you would've been God. No kidding. There aren't words.

I think that's what happened. You did it to spite the Red Sox in a moment of anger, of hurt. WHERE were the people around you I want to know. THIS NIGHT.. where were the ones who told you 'you should do it'... I would bet money .. they weren't around. Oh some may have been physically... but... helping you?? Nope. No, I don't think so.

Well -- it's obviously so.

So, your agent lied -- you didn't have a 6 year deal ... I've never believed it .. none of us did.. the rest of the world knew you wouldn't leave the Red Sox so they didn't even bother, right? .... but those evil ones knew that every man has his price.. especially when you make him feel set apart from the ones he wants to stay with. Like they don't really want him (even when they do). But when it came to the 'other teams'..you kept spewing what he told you to say, huh. Good little soldier.

And then what happened in the end? Do you even know? We don't know. All we know is that you supposedly would've gone to whatever team offered you the most years... and we all knew the Sox wouldn't offer 5, so if another team offered 5, then... you'd go likely. But then to find out on top of everything else that you went THERE for FOUR years... that was a stab to the heart. Well, no - going was the stab. The length of the contract was the twist. So what happened? Did Scott tell them "If I tell him five years he'll go for it, but when we get into the final negotiations, I can convince him four is good." Did Scott go back to John Henry and tell him it had to be 5 years? Did he give anyone a chance to say they would've gone up some more with money? Or are they just saying that now and never had any intention of going above 10 million a year. Ten million a YEAR. What's the equivalent in NY? Pretty close to $13 million a year I bet. You made NOTHING more. Except enemies.

See I understand that you don't feel that loyalty to a team like we do. I understand that your family doesn't have any loyalty to any team. I understand that your 'friends' like Brian Barber don't have any loyalty to any team -- oh, wait, or does he? Since he works for the mfy's... did he get a little bonus for talking you into it, I wonder? I just wonder. He's your friend; surely you know the answer to this. Do you?

I'm sad for you because you got taken. I'm sad for me because you allowed yourself to get taken by people who are supposed to be on your side, who are supposed to love you. I'm mad at you for not putting your foot down like Jason Varitek did and say "THIS is where I want to be. Make it happen." I'm mad that you went for the money after all, when its all said and done... you did. You could've been hurt ... but happy here in the end. By now, it all would've been past and forgotten. And everyone would be happy. Eh, whatever, you don't care! You don't care and your family and friends don't care - you're getting more money and media coverage for being the idiot that did what you did, so... everybody's happy.

Except me. But its my fricking blog and that's why I have it. To spout about whatever I want. And I still think -- your 'loved ones' and 'employees' fucked you. Big Time.
Do you know that I am here trying to talk to you to purge myself and my feelings while my beloved Bosox are back on tonight, first night after the All Star break? Do you know how empty the evenings were, not having a REAL game to sit down to and watch?? And here they are, back and I'm here at my computer... trying to say what I feel needs to be said.. if only for me.

The truth is... they are my beloved Bosox, but.... my passion ... is gone. I can't pretend, I won't pretend.... if you're not there... I don't need to be there watching every second, every play.. I can pop in and out.. check the score, catch some innings... catch the highlights.. but.. when you were there, I was held captive from first pitch to last... eh, its not worth going over anymore, its done and its over. I just think that is the first time I've said that -- and its important. And I've known it for a long time, but I just wanted you to know that.

You know what -- I also miss Kevin and Billy
Mueller soo much. And of course our darling prima donna Pedro.. God, I LOVED THAT TEAM. I loved it so much in 2003 that I thought I would die when that fucking asswipe boone hit that lucky ball - of all people that little fucking schmuck. I thought I'd wake up every morning depressed forever.. but now I can look back and say, "Ah but in the Grand Scheme of Things, God was just setting us up for the Biggest, Best, Storyline Ever" ... I know that now. Because Game 7, 2003 is eternally intertwined with all of 2004.... it was just the prelude to the main story. When all of my guys came back in 2004 -- I had to tread lightly, you know... I couldn't emotionally invest myself too much.. I couldn't set myself up for another fall. I wanted YOU GUYS to do it. I wanted YOU GUYS to do it so bad, I really felt that YOU GUYS were supposed to do it!

Oh, and I was right. I was right. But you guys didn't do it the ordinary way, oh no -- you did it like no one EVER did it before and like no one WILL EVER do it again. It was an epic battle. And I finally won. My boys... finally won. MY TEAM.

Truth is... I'm never going to get over it. Never.

-------------------
I just checked in -- we are up 3 - 1 against Oakland.. I'll have to leave you to watch my boys who stayed with me... and the ones who came to my team..
The greatest team in the world.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You gave it all but I want more
And Im waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

These Dreams

Darkness on the edge
Shadows where I stand
I search for the time
On a watch with no hands

I want to see you clearly
Come closer than this
But all I remember
Are the dreams in the mist

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when its cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

Theres something out there
I cant resist
I need to hide away from the pain
Theres something out there
I cant resist

Dream #4: yeah.. I dreamt about you again last night.. July 5, 2006.

My dreams seem very transparent to me when I have them... this one was disturbing in one part - I think you'll be able to tell which part... lol
but my subconsious thankfully wouldn't leave me with that image -- it gave me the image that I love -- how nice of my brain.. ;)

This dream obviously just means this: I miss my old JD and am very bothered by the new one. It was a shock -- I think it represents how you are sucking up to being a yankee, like you're all in now, you know? Like you're arod's buddy and what could be a worse representation in my mind of the skanks than arod!??

It really bothered me -- thank goodness my mind gave me the old one there for a short minute... the difference was staggering. I think it ties into my "you're two entirely different people now" thing -- one I can still love and one I can't.

I still love dreaming about you -- because it may be as close as I ever do get to you, and it feels real enough..

Livin' on the Edge hah

Something wrong with the world today
I don't know what it is
Somethin's wrong with our eyes

That's how I feel right now. There is something wrong with people in this world today. People are cruel, heartless, no one cares about anyone anymore. I just can't put into words all of the bad things that have happened in my life lately and every one of them comes down to

People don't care about anything anymore.
People don't care about each other.
No one gives another person a break anymore -- no way.
I'm so sad.

I don't have enough money sweetie. Not right now, but I'll do whatever I have to to try and get it. Somehow I'll get it.
You are really the one I will do anything for.

I can do anything I put my mind to still, I just know I can.

I have to believe I can.

Mysterious Ways

OK, quickie. First of all you annoyed me with your histrionics w/Melky's catch. Stop sucking up to the mfyfs. Its humiliating. They will learn to love you, ok? The YES network is now feeding them daily doses of "Johnny is okay now although he was a disgusting hairy jerk just a year ago" and they are such robots that they will eventually believe it, because they believe everything they hear from NY media. I've finally figured out that's how they got their totally blown out of proportion high opinions of themselves and their team... a new NY gal actually came on your website and asked this question.. (I swear)...

"..was just interested in knowing if when Johnny was with Boston that he has the same sweet disposition he has now.. As a Yankee fan, I was always exposed to Boston Johnny and he never seemed to smile much,, although I would imagine that was due to the intensity of the 2 teams.. Now that I get to see more and more of him, I can't believe what a good soul he is.. I mean, is his personality any different now in New York then it was in Boston?? Appreciate any feedback..."

A-DUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

I assured her that you were totally different -- you were so miserable in Boston and that going to NY has finally made your life enjoyable and you couldn't wait to leave. Your life is complete now. Trying to help you out, darling, as always.. *wink
I know, WE know the truth, but.... she's a mfyf, she'll believe it. LOL

I wanted to say -- that if she wasn't a stereotypically uninformed mfyf, and an actual BASEBALL fan, that she would know that you are the same guy you were even when you played for the Royals and the A's... if she is even aware you did play for those teams..... *eye roll*
No... don't worry, I didn't say it.. ;) -- I can't be mean. I can be sarcastic, but... LOL... never mean.

Johnny take a walk with your sisters the moon
Let their pale light in to fill up your room
You've been living underground
Eating from a can
You've been running away from what
You don't understand
Love

They're slippy
You're sliding down
They'll be there
When you hit the ground

Its alright, its alright Its alright
They move in mysterious ways

OH, another thing! You can thank us -- hopefully in August -- we quite honestly just may have saved your life, the Enclave... you can get the sordid details from your fan club president... let's just say it involved one of those new 'wackos' that were recent visitors to your web site that I mentioned earlier.

All we need is a brief hug of thanks... that's all. No commendations necessary -- no awards, no medals. LOL
You know I kid. I would just like to honestly shake your hand and I would be happy seeing you for real -- it would be a fitting ending for my love for you, because its good, its leaving, I feel it lessening, its ready to come full circle... like all things. I guess I can't take seeing you as a yankee after all, its too hard, too much, too upsetting. I always knew that 'someday this war's gonna end' -- all pain, especially pain of the heart -- is healed by time. And as time passes, it lessens, a little more, day by day, game by game, comment by comment.

But I'd still like to shake your hand for everything.
EVERY THING.

Being a Red Sock.
Being so wonderful.
Being so open.
Bringing a World Series Championship to Boston.
Hitting the Grand Slam.
Being so beautiful.
Making me feel beautiful.
Being such an unexpected, wonderful, important thing in my life, even for a while.

Love, Your #1

June 5

Not feeling creative enough in the day to think of a better title - lol. Just dropping in to say that you are coming on my tv tonight. I hunger to see you. I hope you lose. ;)

I am back feeding at your website, despite the sorry state of decay it lies in. I'm like some feral cat who keeps coming around for tid bits, scraps. There is some funny shit going on there now with a couple wacked out new people but its very entertaining for the moment.

I try to stay away. It's hard though, its where you live.

I have often walked down
this street before;
But the pavement always stayed beneath my
feet before.
All at once I am several stories high.
Knowing I'm on the street where you live.
Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour Out of ev'ry door?
No, it's just on the street where you live!
And oh! The towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near.
The overpowering feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear!

People stop and stare. They don't bother me.
For there's no where else on earth that
I would rather be.
Let the time go by, I won't care if I
Can be here on the street where you live.

Come back by sometime and say hello to us.

By the way, that was a nice swing on your homerun the other night - don't remember seeing you go straight away centerfield for a long, lonnng time.

I await this evening.
I await to see your pretty face.
I await you to strikeout.

heh heh Love you! *double fingerpoint* LOL

The Way We Were

Just found this -- its a great reminder of a very special time...
It was such a special thing we had -- you were the epitome of it, as realized by things like this, but you let it go, you threw it away and for what. Money? Respect? I still don't get it, there's still something else that doesn't add up. Why did you do that? Throw away such a wonderful legacy?

See how uptight, stuck up, prim and proper the other dude is?
You're that dude, now. Hell, that makes you not even a 'dude'... it makes you.... a 'priss'. ick.

There YOU are. Our rep. Our face. Spitting with the stuck up NYer. Spitting? OK, while we're on the subject, I mentioned in an earlier post that you never spit, yet I see you spitting all the time now that you're in NY... are they having a bad influence on you sweetness, (well, okay we KNOW that, but is it more than I thought...) or did you always chew that much? I know you did, but it seemed like you stopped. You won't look as pretty with gum cancer and your mandible removed, darling --
Ah'm just sayin'!!! I nag out of love. ;)


By the way -- Manny sent me a message for you.


Don't be sad. Just come home, pookie bear!

Reprise

The Ship Hits The Fan, Part Deux

and I am the fan.









ummm...yoo hooo!! warning - warning ...







Don't forget the continuing sagas of our greatest hits from yesteryear:








Someday this wars gonna end...






My best dream ever.




The worst nightmare.
The stage has been set.
The fix is in.
The hook has been set.
The mantra of the groupie set has been realized - as all professional cheerleaders and their agents know... that numero uno thing you must do to ensure the security.
Has been done.

The Ship Hits The Fan

Yesterday I was a freaking wreck. I totally dissolved into a pile of matter oozing down to the ground like liquid jello. Cherry jello, too. LOL, I have no idea what I am writing, I am like schitzoid this week. My metaphors are hopelessly mixed.

Hormones. Gotta be hormones - or as we like to call them in the Enclave "Whore Moans". LOL, pretty hardcore for a merry band of mostly married ladies. And I do mean 'ladies'. Yeah, well my "whore moans" were getting the best of me yesterday. Visualize: anything. Sitting in a chair surfing the web. Doing laundry. Uh, walking - whatever! Muttering. Then.. bursting out in tears. Dear God: I hope its hormone related. Lack of them or too much at once, I dunno. My yard last week looked like a river running through it with too much rain -- apparently my physical body was like that with too many hormones flowing through, so they burst out of my eyes. LOL - sounds like an alien movie.



Feels more like Titanic.


If you're still here with me, forgive me. I haven't written in a long time ... why? Well, I tend to write here when I am either

1. Sad
2. Angry
3. Fucking Militant

So I mutter to myself. I have written some of the Greatest Blog Entries ever -- while walking in the woods. By the time I am done telling my tales of woe to the trees (who are very good listeners, by the way) I am purged of my excessive emotions and don't need to blog. Its a good thing for you, darling; because you'd think I was a downer or something. lol You'd never know how funny I really am, because this blog is all about being sad and trying to cope with it. And when I get down ... hoo boy, man the life boats.

You son of a gun; when are you going to leave me alone?

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave;
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

Anyway, tonight you bowed out of playing at Fenway, I am shocked. I read that Torre (aka The Crypt Keeper) said he wanted you to sit the first game (5/22) and you said "Not here." I thought that was just awesome. I don't know why, I can't put my finger on it, but... I can just picture you saying it. Of course, its too bad that your big mouth manager had to blab it all over the papers, but... I guess if he didn't, I wouldn't know about it, huh?

Then last night you hit a leadoff homer against Wakie, and a double, so -- I guess you feel you have nothing else to prove and can sit. Does it bother you to hear the jerks booing? Didn't I tell you in my letter last September that I prayed so much you wouldn't go to the mfy's because I couldn't bear to hear you booed? Dammit, I wish you would listen to me for once! LOL *wink* I could save you so much heartache. 'Course I could probably be the cause of plenty too. LOL! Nawwww...

So I'm writing this in the wee hours of the night. After hours, right? I wish I could meet you. My Enclavian counterpart, well, I'll call her TIH, was at the game on Monday and she got within 5 or 6 feet of you while you were (so nicely and sweetly) signing things for ingrates. heh heh

She has a photo of you and I could die at the thought that she was that close to you (My God, LOOKIT how close!! aagghh) -- she's in the Enclave so its almost like it was me there that close, but.... well, I have to be happy with her being that close to you so I am. Its a good thing, I don't think I could stand it, I'd want to shake you hand - touch you. If I didn't, I don't know if ... I could take it. She said she was stunned and speechless - she said you are even more beautiful in real life. Gawd... I can't imagine. Well, I do imagine, rest assured, but... I sure would like to see for myself. I'd probably faint, so -- how sick is that. Jebus.

But somehow knowing that she was that close drove me off the deep end for some reason... combined with the hormone sign flashing *TILT TILT!!!* I couldn't be consoled yesterday.. hence the soul sobbing to the trees - my heart calling out... I can feel it, I wish you could.

As soon as my dh came home he's like "What's wrong." LOL Oh yeah; let me explain, dear.... ha ha. As if. As if I knew. It's like being a little insane, because this has never happened to me before in my life and I try to put the pieces together as to why it is happening now and why I can't shake it, and.... pffft - no answer. I just know that I can't stop thinking about you ... and as much as I want to and need to -- I don't want to. And apparently don't need to. LOL, does that make sense?? heh - of course not. Think how I feel! ;)

Anyway, my verbal blog to the pines was much more sad, morose and heart wrenching than this. The hormonal ship seems to have righted itself somewhat -- not to mention I grabbed the dh and physically abused him upstairs.. that helped. *evil*
Yah, that helped a LOT.

Anyway, dearest. You suck, you're a f*cking Yankee, what the hell did you go and do. You annoy the crap out of me. How could you do that. Its almost six months now -- I just rewrote the intro to the Enclave the other day from what it was in the beginning -- I had no idea we would still be venting at this point in time. I thought we'd need a little buffer, a transition, then we'd go on our merry way, but... we are not your basic bandwagon fans, my friend. We are the real deal and I don't think many athletes/players have a more devoted group. In fact, I'll guarantee it. But.. whatever. It helps to have people who understand me - I wish one of them was a damn psychologist and could explain to me the mystery of obsession. Because that's what it is I guess and it annoys me. Its so strange, such a strange phenomenon... I'm not like this, you know...

Isn't there a perfume called Obsession?? I oughtta check that out, and I don't think I spelled oughtta right. But its so late... (I am a spelling Nazi)

Anyway. It all comes down to missing you and not getting to see you, and when I DO see you, you are in that horrible uniform or some derivative. That awful hat. It's still all wrong. I can still look at it in Biblical proportions - one of those stories mixed with Star Wars metaphors and Lord of the Rings imagery .... Samson and Delilah - she cut his hair and he lost his power. I had a conversation on another board and we discussed how we loved the long hair on the guys... one gal was a freak for Bellhorn's long curls, another Curt's hair sticking out of his cap this year, of course, Bronson (oh yah the lowest .ERA in the NL... thanks alot, FO! DOPES) -- and we said how that's another thing that sucks about the yankess is the first thing they do is emasculate their players by cutting their hair. Reigning power over you. Pulling rank. Turning you into robotons. Fuck them, they deserve to fail.

Tonight someone asked about what was up with Torre's hat and I said I didn't see Torre's hat, but I can imagine... the way it just sits on top of his dome it's like he hasn't figured out that his head has grown and he keeps ordering the same hat size he had when he was 15. My dh and I were watching the game the other night as the Crypt Keeper came out of the morgue, er, dugout and walked to the mound. The dh said "Jesus, Torre looks like the walking dead" and he did! LOL then someone else the next day talked about how he walks and doesn't move his arms or something.
--Darling! Stay away from him! Look to the light, sweetheart, don't look into their eyes! Oh, Jeez - its probably too late!!! LOL :)

I cannot now help but think of him as the Crypt Keeper of the Damned - the Evil Satanic Hellriders that stole Jesus and brainwashed him into leaving the Faithful...

One must believe that this wrong against humanity can be righted.... right???

You have to BELIEVE. I'm a life long Red Sox fan. I know all about BELIEVING.

Good night, darling.

 

^,,,.~'***^***'~.,,,,^^,,,.~'***^***'~.,,,,^

"I'll be alone
I'll be dancing, you know it baby"

^,,,.~'***^***'~.,,,,^^,,,.~'***^***'~.,,,,^

Talked about my heart calling out when I'm doing my pagan thing out in the woods -- little lyric from the love theme from .. ironically enough - Titanic'

Every night in my dreams
I see you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Buy! Sell! Buy! Sell!

-- mood: kinda fed up

Let's recap this week a little.
First: Grand slam. *sigh. Now your new 'fans' have decided you may be worthy of their consideration. As one guy on a nyy board says - "when you hit a 5 run homer in Game 15 of the WS against the Sox, then they can TALK about you maybe being a True Yankee." So good luck pulling that off, dear.
I know, you don't care, they don't care,
nobody cares about anything anymore..

Waiting for Doug: (apparently)

"But that is not the question.
Why are we here, that is the question.
And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer.
Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear.
We are waiting for Godot to come."

Doug Mirabelli: Yay - of course I'm happy. We need him. But the silliness of the dramatics Monday night were ... well, let's just say I view Sox fandom in a whole new light now. Obviously -- we are desperate. I'm not saying Doug isn't great, he is, I mean the whole selling by the FO and the buying by the fans there that night -- was like there was a run on Wall St. or something and people were just throwing money at people...

Oh yeah - people were throwing money, that's right... I just won't waste my breath commenting on that, except to say, obviously, people are so incredibly stupid.

Rain out: my goodness, first time I ever thought of Dan Shaughnessy being such a maverick (he wrote an article on how fans felt fleeced on the Red Sox' failing to call a rain delay to sell more concessions).... Wow. I mean, to some of us its so obvious, but... to think someone actually is calling them on it in the paper is just awesome. And man, are Sox fans whiny these days or what!

Let's see, what else are we buying and selling this week? Oh right - the FO has apparently figured out that you were popular! So they're trying to figure out their next marketing strategy move -- we don't want to waste precious dollars and target the wrong one! So we have the public voting on:

Who Is The Next Sox Sweetheart? Hmm.. my vote wasn't on there -- can we get a 'do over'? lol This is pretty edgy shit for the Sox -- especially when Valentine's Day is long over! Desperate? Nawwww

Let me take a quick guess who will win......(consults crystal ball.....) ummm..... Coco Crisp!!! Ya think!!!??
Buy - Sell! Buy - Sell!

"We wait. We are bored. (He throws up his hands)
No, don't protest, we are bored to death, there's no denying it.
Good. A diversion comes along and what do we do? We let it go to waste. . .
In an instant all will vanish and we'll be alone once more, in the midst of nothingness!"
-- Samuel Becket, "Waiting for Godot"

And of course, your return. Right now I am pretty disillusioned -- I am so disappointed in RSN, I don't even feel a part of it. I sure as hell can't be a mfyf, because... well, there's no way that can happen. I feel like a man without a country, a fan without a ballpark, sort of floating; lost. Pretty embarassed by what I saw and heard since - from everywhere.

Although I still maintain my first impression I got from my couch at home -- lots of people did cheer you, Johnny... (pause music) especially when you acknowledged them. The media pushes it like it was so overly lopsided, but I don't believe that it was as bad as they make it sound. Remember, boos are a lot easier to hear than clapping with gloves on. ;)

Please know that there are many, many people who supported you that night. They just miss you, like I do.

"We are all born mad. Some remain so."

"Let's go.
Yes, let's go."
(They do not move).

Rain Song

I wanted so much for there to be a game last night.... I had you on my tv one night -- I wanted you on there for the second. I thought maybe, MAYBE that there might be more fans there the second night who might want to say they appreciated you -- every frat drunk I'm sure bought tickets for the first night... plus since every major sports show on tv pretty much called all of us asses (and justifiably so) - I thought maybe a good percentage of these people may have wanted to project a better image.... but.. we'll never know.

I just wanted to see you play.

I suspect that by August 18, when this game is rescheduled, these same people will have soaked whatever short or long term memory they have in enough alcohol to be pissed off again ("Hey! Yeah! We just hate the Yankees!! Yeah! That's the Overriding Most Important, Like -- Thing!!! grrrrr!" insert imbecilic fist pump here*)

I'm sure that you will between now and August say things like how f-ing great NY is and the best fans in the world and blah blah all kinds of garbage that they will twist and take to heart and ... yeah, they'll be pissed. And this will all no doubt come to a head for that August 18 date, because....

this was MY day to come and see you. This is perfectly par for the course - pretty much my luck. Let me save some speculation and read you the scenario in advance: Double header. You'll play the first game, you won't play the second (my game, the Enclave's game, where we are right out there behind you) -- I won't even get to SEE YOU.

All of our plans about getting in early and seeing you (saying hi?) in BP are shot. You won't be taking BP prior to OUR game -- you'll be playing that DAMNED make up game. God is most definately trying to tell me something. But I won't listen.

and of course ..... any other hopes of miraculously getting to meet you are likely gone too. You'll be too busy. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yup, that's how it will shake down. Ah well, it is what it is -- if it's meant to be, then it will happen, that's just the only way I can think. Give it a purpose, and maybe it won't hurt so much.. been doing that a lot lately it seems.

Anyway, like a typical Sox fan, its all about me, huh? LOL

Been reading a lot of articles, at the Enclave we keep up with everything, believe me - every. thing. I can't get over how you are able to cope with all of this crap, and everyone asking you the same things over and over and over again, and you keep answering it - so politely - so carefully. Southern boy responding to the hepped up Northerners...

What do you do when you feel you might crack? Have you felt that? What will you do when you do feel that way?? I don't know if I hope you are alone when that happens or not. Someone to help you would be nice, but... then again, you can only let it all out when you're alone. I suspect like most men you're too stoic; you'll hold it in ... and continue to hold it all in. Who will help you? I think about you rambling about in that big empty house the other night - all alone - it really sounds like it may have been your dream house... silly boy - you didn't have to leave it you know. Millions of dollars and no place to grill yourself a nice steak, what's wrong with this picture, darling? I'm going to send you a hibachi -- smoke up the new condo all you want! lol

From that article:

"He (Theo) was actually walking by here last night," said Damon, "and he was on the phone -- he's always on the phone. I just kind of stopped him and said hi to him. I just said I was sorry it didn't work out for me. I didn't wish him all the luck but it was good to see him."

You're too nice. Gorilla Boy did nothing to help you. His hissy cost me and I don't particularly like him anymore.

He tried to justify the booing of people who used to be crazy about him by telling himself the louder they boo, the more they wanted him to stay.

I hope in some small way we helped with that. I wonder if you got our messages..

I am going to pray every night from this night forward that somehow, somehow -- it all works out that I get to see you, meet you August 18. That's all.



It is the springtime of my loving
- the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing
- so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing-I watch the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles
- flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes.
- It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

I've felt the coldness of my winter
- I never thought it would ever thaw.
I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
- But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion
- and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion -
- I seek the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient-Upon us all a little rain must fall.

-- Led Zeppelin, "The Rain Song"

Vindicated

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of which has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated...


I'm just going to write quickly, as I don't have time right now, but... last night --
was so emotional for me -- and I could see in your face -- well, I'll just say it was for you too. Know that some of us know what's going on and how you really feel.
For what that's worth, which isn't much.

You were such a class act; as usual. Again, I am proud.

Red Sox Nation acted exactly as I would expect them to -- some realize that they owe you a nod of appreciation - hell, I'll bet there are even some who think we owe more than that. But as usual, the lyrical little bandbox is rife with oafs -- they disgrace it, they disgrace us, and most of all themselves. But you -- you did the perfect thing, you acknowledged them, selflessly and because they think its really all about them, they were able to rise to the occasion and clap a little more -- for themselves.

You are wonderful. I still think so, if not more so, the way you are able to carry yourself on the darkest days. You wouldn't have been able to pry me out of that dugout with a bottle opener.... but there you were, facing the music.

It kills me a little to think of you there facing all of this, alone. Your family, your agent - everyone sitting somewhere else, sipping wine or watching movies, in the comfort of somewhere other than Fenway Park. I wish I were your friend so I could've been there for you - you couldn't PAY ME to stay away if it were my husband in your place... but I'm old school, and I'm tough. But I hope you know that we were here in our own places - watching, fearing, tearing up, but we WERE there with you. I sat curled on my sofa, with my hand clenched against my lips -- just.. waiting.. for it to be over.

All of the sports shows today are saying what I've said all along. RSN made fools of themselves and the Red Sox by acting the way they did. My wish was that they would act with class knowing that it was nationally televised, but they can't do that -- they are too selfish. They are too wrapped up in this nonsense. Christ, I was born with it, I hate the yankess too -- but now it feels bordering on the ridiculous.

I applaud the ones who cheered. Everyone in the Enclave cheered. I cheered.

All the sports commentators and news shows say you deserved to be applauded. I am vindicated.
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that
I am
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

Pride & Prejudice

OK, well it's been a long time since I've really written. Not that I haven't wanted to, or haven't had anything to say... I always have something to say. ;) I've just been kind of trying to shed myself of you. I'm trying to be over 'this'. This whole thing.

The other day, I thought I was on my way to doing that too. I don't know, maybe you said something aggravating and insincere like how mfyf's are the greatest fans in the world or some such drivel -- I understand why you do it... you have to live with these people for 4 years - I get it - but... still it hurts. It feels like we're being forgotten. And that doesn't feel good.

Anyway, tomorrow the Prodigal Son comes home -- what will happen, dearest? Will the oafs outscream the grateful fans? Or can we rise to the occasion and let you know THANK YOU for everything? I wish I were there -- as I told you, I will be here in my living room standing and clapping. I don't care what the guys say or how much they tease me. It's important. It's important to me.

Unfortunately, I have a sinking feeling that the neanderthals are going to humiliate all of us tomorrow -- and on national tv no less. Great. If that happens, I'll be so mad. And upset. They get one chance to make all of us look good, and I don't think the vast majority have the brains to do it. I really don't.

Anyway, two home runs last night! Wow -- good for you. I am so proud of you, I really am. You just slay me. Even though you have to do it for those Total Dickwads... I am still proud of you and the fact that you just keep pluggin' away even though I don't believe that you are happy there and you have regrets. So yes, I'm proud of you and prejudiced against who you work for now - who you're helping.

You keep going though. I don't mind if you do well professionally; like I told you, all I care is that those mfy's Do Not Win It All. I don't even care who DOES, really... as long as they don't. That will be soooo pleasing!!

Of course it would be wonderful if the Red Sox won it all again, but... wow, right now I don't see that -- I'll be amazed if they make it to the playoffs. You know I adore the Red Sox -- I have to, its in my blood, it's my team, it will always be my team, but..... dammit I'll say it, I hate really, really, REALLY DISLIKE this front office. Thank you so much for making the Red Sox Boring guys!!! I needed some extra sleep! Bravo!

And I really need to do some ranting, so I just may.... where to start, o where to start?? Let's start with...........

....... "Character Guys"

... this has annoyed me for months now. If I hear Tom Caron or some other RS affiliate say one more time how the Red Sox have 'character guys' -- I am going to throw something at my tv. Could ya make it any more apparent that the FO is trying to tell us that we ... obviously did NOT have character guys prior to Mike Lowell and Mark Loretta joining the team. OK? In my mind, this is a complete diss and slap in the face to you and Kevin Millar. Could John Henry get any more uptight -- talk about a stick up the ass! Aw, he didn't like the idiots thing huh? He didn't like the talk about Jack Daniels in the clubhouse (which I think was fucking brilliant by the way)-- I guess Mr. Henry didn't like all that winning the World Series, didn't like the fucking parade, and ALL THAT GREEN CASH that flowed into his pockets since then. He can go fuck himself -- on top of that, he needs to stop taking estrogen. Whatta pussy of a man.

So we have Lowell and Loretta, Cora, Gonzalezzzzzzzzzzzz oh sorry, dozed off there a second.... here's my take on our character guys: boring. Bo-ring. And they are going to stay boring unless we start winning a good deal more.

And as for Mike Lowell?? Two times now, TWICE... I have seen him strike out and shout "FUCK!!!" walking back to the dugout... I mean, YELL. Well within earshot of kids, women, and anybody else there -- easily lip readable on television -- then go down and throw your helmet... yeah.... just like we tell our kids to NEVER do.... don't do like those "character guys" -- do like we say.... don't act like a jerk, have some class...

Here's the point: in four years I never, ever saw you yell "FUCK!!!" while walking back to the dugout or anywhere... EVER. In fact, I saw you actually muttering to yourself the other day after striking out, and I don't think I ever have even seen that... Don't let them change you, sweetness. DO NOT LET THEM CHANGE YOU.

So glad we have these Character Guys now. Because we SOOOO didn't before. You, Kevin, Bill Mueller, Bronson, Doug.... yeah, no character.

You don't become Champions if you don't have character.

Oh, and this is not to say that I don't think these guys do have character - I just don't like having it rammed down my throat... which brings me to:

Annoyance #2..........

........ The Fake Commercial

And.........Action!

Cue the blonde, young female 'baseball fan':

"Papelbon???? (wide-eyed)... He is soooo intense on the mound."

(yah sure, but do you know a sinker from a slider? No.)


Fireman or some other male role model whose opinion we should apparently respect:

"Lowell, Loretta...Ya gotta love this team!"

(dont' freaking tell me what I gotta do, shutup and put out fires!)


Last one, again, young chick, asian this time-with a perky, 'I'm sorta braindead!!' voice:

"And then there's Manny .... Being Manny!!!" *shrug*

(one is so tempted to just ram a serving spoon down their throat... )
EDIT: Since seen this last one referred to on message boards as "the pole dancer." LOL

There is not a gag factor large enough for this drivel. It pisses me off. It's annoying as hell. It's fake and it doesn't even seem to make the EFFORT to appear anything LESS than fake.

Seems to me right up through last year one could've just gone out on ANY street in Boston or New England and gotten real, unscripted, sincere tributes for our team... from anyone and everyone. Apparently not anymore. The Red Sox MUST sell us this team. Why? Because they fucking blew it and lost you and everyone is pissed.

"Really folks!!! This is better!!!! It may not look better, but .... we are TELLING you this is better, so..... that makes it better!"

YOU VILL ENJOY ZISS TEAM!!!
ZAT ISS AN ORDAH!!

Go fuck yourself: John, Larry, Tom, Theo and the dumbass Bobbsey Twins. All of you, please go fuck yourself. And take NESN with you.

Cheer Johnny!

At last, cooler heads prevail -- here it is:


Cheer Johnny Damon

Yay! A response to that stupid moronic site some dolts made. Johnny, you deserve to be cheered and applauded .... (at least your first at bat, and I will never, ever boo you -- you don't deserve it.

Needing of a Fire Extinguisher

Home opener today -- against the Blue Jays. Gee whiz, your poor team gets a really tough match up on your home opener --- those tough Royals. Way to schedule, George! A gimme! LOL I can't wait to read all the mfyf's on their boards later lauding their team's accomplishments against those goliaths. LOL

Anyway - to more important things. Saw your appearance on David Letterman last night -- I was wiped out and had the vcr programmed, but you don't really think I could just go to bed knowing you were on and not stay and see you..? Of course not. And baby, you didn't disappoint.

You were smokin' hot.

I think all of my glands exploded. Jesus, you are one beautiful creature to me. I don't know what it is, but .... quite seriously, you just take my breath away. Nothing more needs to be said. The hows and what-fors of the appearance don't matter. Just seeing you and watching you move about in space in *wipes brow* jeans and casual clothes .... leaves me breathless. That's all. That's all there is to that.

Save Yer Bullets

Damon will save arm due to pain

Hoo boy. I sure hope you are still playing by the time I get to Fenway to see you play this summer.... I... I just don't know what to think.

Anyway - you are going to be on Letterman tonight. I am so anxious because I am chomping at the bit to see you, to see your face, but I will withhold comment until I view it all. I hope you don't anger me with sucking up to those people too much. I hope you tell them all to kiss your ass - darling, wouldn't that be a riot!!! Just say "Hey, you folks are stuck with me for four years - so I can say whatever I want - stick it!" LOL -- a girl can dream *sigh*.

But no... you'll be on there with Letterman and he'll be gloating about how they have you now, and you'll be on there with Billy Crystal who is as annoying with the yankee shit as Spike Lee is with the Knicks. I used to like Billy Crystal and overlooked his poor taste in teams, but... I have a feeling that that will be over after tonight.

Oh, I hope you don't say anything to upset me, darling. I'm just ssooooooo not in the mood.

I have more to say, but will add later if I can. I know; I know; you await breathlessly... *wink




--------------
edited: later
You remember a few days ago I was chastising you about the dumb things you are trying to convince yourself are really just 'awesome' now that you're a mfy?
Let me refresh your memory, sweetness.

You keep telling yourself darling;

Headphones = Good.
Shaving = Good.
Haircut = Good.
Hiding my ring from jealous pussies = Good.
Me in the background bowing to these shitheads = Good.
What else???

Well, I thought of another one!

Keep telling yourself:

I want to be called 'John' now.

Being John = Good.


What else, my precious? Ya still killing me.

Have I ever told you I love you....

...... Terry Francona? I think you are fabulous. I love the way you talk and I think you are the perfect fit for managing my team. To heck with Phil Jackson - YOU are the 'zen master' of sports. Everything you say is so perfectly calculated to give just enough information to the microphone messengers -- but not too much. It is apparent you treat your players and co-workers with total respect and consideration for anything that might affect their game - mentally or physically.

You are always 'in the moment'. You understand that life, people, sports is constantly in a state of change, and that if you keep it moment to moment - then everything is clear. Whatever you are doing, just do it. If you need to fix something, take the next step to fix it. When you're really in the moment, and I see you rockin' in the dugout - literally -- I am pretty sure we are going to win.

According to Zen, existence is found in the silence of the mind (no-mind), beyond the chatter of our internal dialog.
"All is one and one is All" - the goal? Enlightenment.

Enlightenment implies Oneness with the Universe and abolishment of mental barriers separating the Enlightened from all other things. The "Idiots" could never have existed without your leadership. Abolishment of mental barriers? Yah, that explains 2004 in a nutshell, doesn't it?

When you first came here I took one look at this slight, unassuming man in the geeky glasses and said 'no way, this isn't the guy that's going to be able to do IT.' I was completely wrong and man, do I love being wrong.

You are the Gandhi of Boston.

Let me thank you, belatedly for showing us 'the Way' to Nirvana.

I Win

HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

I won! I fixed the mutha music!!!! Oh, yeah - me!

Blog Fodder

How many Sox blogs around the 'net are buzzing about Bronson's big homer?!!! That is SO AWESOME. I love it! I just can't put into words how that makes me feel. Way to open your season B.A! And a win on top of that.

I am so annoyed right now that my music isn't working. It sounded so perfect - all the songs hand picked for you. But it cost me an arm and a leg so I bought some space somewhere else and went through the whole dealio of changing all the code and stuff, and it doesn't work. And it's on their end, they tell me. Check back later, - I WILL find a way to get that music back up here. errrggghhhh

So now onto my sweetheart. Here is an article that came out yesterday and... my goodness, sometimes I worry for you. The things you say... hey, I always said I'd tell you the truth, so here it is.

You want to be less of the focal point...? As I recall, in one of my first blog entries, I said

"maybe you just want to be obscure again, maybe you want to be known just for your baseball playing, maybe you just want to win"

You know, I didn't believe it when I wrote it then, and I don't believe it now. Darling, please remember you don't have to take a back seat to anyone there! In that entire city!

It bothers me -- stop saying things that aren't true! You don't want to be invisible! WHY should you be invisible!!! You are the MOST RECENT WORLD CHAMPION in that organization! Don't forget it!

It bugs me to think of how proud you are that you would wear your WS ring - and you should, should, should be -- and those pricks make you feel uncomfortable about it!!??? I hope they don't make you feel like shit because you're proud of your accomplishments -- and they are jealous. Let's see: who's the big turkey in that clubhouse so far without a ring? Oh, Yeah. Mr. MVP. Right.

WEAR IT! -- A LOT! Wear it in front of him, Sheffield, Johnson all of them, and especially FLAUNT it in front of 'the Boss'!!! Be PROUD. You earned that sucker, and you deserve to wear it without hurting those pansy-asses. Tell them to take a shit in their satanic logoed hats. Always remember that the joy you helped bring to RSN will never compare to what they brought to NY with any of their championships. Even collectively - that feeling can never be duplicated. MFYfans can NEVER feel what we felt or have what we had.

As if World Series Champion Johnny Damon has to tip toe around LOSER Arod, huh? I don't think so. Step on his frigging toes, sweetheart ... and STOMP. Screw him. Once again - 0 for 3 last night. Mr. effing clutch. How I despise them more and more, if that is possible. I hate to think of you amongst them. They will kill you.

*whew*. Have 'em give me a buzz if they have a problem with it. I'll explain the situation....

DON'T LET THEM CHANGE YOU. I know you say you won't change, but I can see it. Jeebus, you've already stated (I'm paraphrasing) "you wanted to cut your hair anyway", "headphones in the clubhouse are good", "you're happy to shave" etc.

Ahh! So headphones rock now - instead of getting to know your teammates - instead of "dancing" with them. Hmm. the old Red Sox: 25 players - 25 cabs. The yankess: 25 sets of headphones, 25 self absorbed individuals.

I would wager that you would do anything to hear Papi's salsa music, right now...

You keep telling yourself darling;

Headphones = Good.
Shaving = Good.
Haircut = Good.
Hiding my ring from jealous pussies=Good.
Me in the background bowing to these shitheads=Good.
What else???

What else, my precious? Ya killing me.

Opening Day/End of an Era

OK -- opening day! Finally. I hope the Sox do well this summer - I have heard they are 'as I speak' talking to Roger Clemens... I'm not sure how I feel about that, but... if he's still very good - that would be alright. We need all the help we can get because WE HAVE NO FREAKIN' OFFENSE .... ok.. I got that out. I do hope I am proved majorly wrong. They are saying our top 4 should be good - as with all things, time will tell.

I sent you a note my darling saying 'good luck' on the eve of starting your season with the mfy's. I hope you are able to play without much pain this year, but it is imperative that the yankess do not win it all. I can live with any other scenario than them winning. I want you happy, but not too happy. Productive, but not too productive. Satisfied -- well, no I don't want you satisfied. Your expectations are so high that if you are satisfied -- we're all screwed. I will watch you all season (either literally, or read everything) and I will follow your story with as much interest as I would my own, well more so. Because you are my own, and I don't care what anyone says - you always will be. And that's just the way it is.

I also told you that we have procured the necessary seats for our trip to see you play August 18. We are right behind you in Section 35... I can't wait to see you live again. We will most likely be making a racket so I hope to see a nod or tip of the hat ... again... time will tell.

I wish for you so much. So much more than you have. And of course I'm not talking about money, because I am not about money. I just care for you and we care for you.

GO SOX!!!!

YANKEES SUCK!!!!

heh heh... did I say that out loud, darling? So sorry.

Hanging Around

It's difficult sometimes. I want to love you like before, but it gets harder and harder. But I can't let it go -- or should I say, it won't let me go. I've never had anything like this before -- its like heroin or something. Not that I've ever done heroin ... yeah, right -- that's what I need - a chemical addiction to go along with my physical one.

Anyway, I saw SportsDesk this morning and they showed the teeeeniest little clip of you, in your yank dark shirt walking away with your bat... obviously you had struck out... but they used you as a visual for their interview with John Henry.... they still use you to create interest. I know I stuck around to see what he had to say about you - then I stuck around for the second round.. just to see the little clip again. You look so different... so alien.
I feel like you're going away from me. Ehhh - here's the understatement of the year -- it makes me sad.

I got a little carried away with my last entry and I think I'm taking a lot of it out, at least for now. The thought that you could even remotely possibly see it bothers me -- even if it is the truth, it is my truth and you can't see it. Yet. But I'm convinced you will someday.

I guess I tend to write in my blog when I'm pissed; heh heh go figure... that's really what its all about. Why sit down and write about how pretty the flowers are (oh by the way, beautiful crocuses are out! LOL) and how lovely the world is (it isn't) .... when you're angry or sad or just .... plain ..... pissy, then that seems like the time to sit down and purge it - it beats taking it out on the people around you. Let me say for the 100th time how grateful I am for the Enclave because we understand each other.... no one really understands certain aspects of me better than them. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them to go to every day... and they feel the same way. I suppose I'd still be haunting your board... ah well, I do that too -- haunting is the perfect word though.... I'm like that spectre that just won't leave the abode..... lol -- you and your yankess friends may need to have an exorcism.

I don't plan on going anywhere though. I can't ever get to meet you or see you even in real life anymore, even if it was just standing in center field, so... I'll just be hanging around where you live virtually, I guess. I can't help it.

This is the End, Beautiful Friend...

Mood: Pissed.

This might be it. "Someday this war's gonna end" I wrote a few posts back. A line I love in "Apocalypse Now" -- using it as a metaphor for how I feel about getting over you. I wrote 'someday I just won't be back - someday.' I dunno, maybe today is the day? I just read an article and it has pissed me off so much - I don't know. I have to stop. I have to stop.

I'm not sure what bothers me the most - the idea that New York is referring to you as 'their Savior' or... well, that other thing that annoys me to no end and out of respect for you I've never mentioned, but..... today may be the day because... this has got to stop. You aren't going to be the savior of the yankess. You were ours - and you aren't going to do it twice. And here's the sadder part - they are going to kill you. Inside. You're going to lose it, little by little, day by day, play by play -- you'll lose it. You'll lose your magic. They will draw it out of you like sucking poison out of a wound. But they'll be sucking your mojo. And you won't be happy, and they won't be happy. But I think you'll be too dumb to know it - you won't know you were sucked dry.

And maybe I'll be happy. And I hope Red Sox Nation is fucking ecstatic in October.

And you'll have your stripes, and your blame, and your wife (here I go!)that wants to put the swing up and that thinks 'you'd look cool in a mohawk.'

(EDITED FOR BITCHINESS)


Anyway, I can't take watching you doing well this season, so I think I'm backing out. Call it self-preservation. I only want to hear the negative, and that is the only thing that will please me. I am the jilted girlfriend, and it's screwed up, but I'm honest. Honest and loyal. And we all know how far that gets people these days.

I'm just old school. That, I can tell you.

And.. spring is coming - its definately, finally coming. The light is better, the birds are outside chatting to each other incessantly about how their winters went... the fields are turning green -- I can almost.... not see any snow.

I can move on. I can be reborn. I can get out of this interminable winter of discontent. It's the reason for Easter. For Passover. For religion. Beltane. The Earth renewed. That feeling that you yourself can be reborn. That you'll survive after all. Your life can begin anew.

Well, I hope you cannot be reborn. I hope you cannot resurrect that fucking bloated team and town. I hope your glory days are far behind you, where you dumped them.

You got off the boat, man. Never get out of the fucking boat.

A friend of mine said, "if the yankess win it all and he is embraced by NY, has a huge career there and ends up there forever as a 'true yankess' - then there is no God." I couldn't agree more. Maybe it is the Apocalypse. Now.

We'll see. This might be it for me.

Ehh *sigh* ...... fuck it, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Signed, the person who'll tell you the truth, who has nothing to gain, who isn't one of your phony yes-people whispering in your ear, telling you you do everything right. You know, darling - all those people gathered under the pinata - the ones who scramble for the candy when its broken.


----------------------
One more thing: Yesterday watched "Beyond the Glory: Cal Ripken, Jr." -- your hero, right? He stayed with the Orioles throughout his entire career, even though they fired his dad. He knew about loyalty, he has a legacy. You are nothing like him. 8 on your back, or not.

ps: for a person who tells you the truth so much, I just did an awful lot of editing.

ST yanks v. Sox

Well, I guess I'll write a little about the ST game last night. It was so nice to see you, I can't even... verbalize or writealize about it.. it gave me such pleasure. My fellow Enclavers were all worried about me, they didn't think I'd be able to deal with it, but I enjoyed it very much. I sat on my couch and watched you. That dark blue shirt looks better on you than that incredibly dorky striped costume. You are so beautiful.

I thought I saw something different in your approach to swinging -- something to do with that shoulder. But I want to see some old footage to see for sure. Oh, and rest assured, I will check it, my darling. Because I must know. How much is it hurting? I'll be wondering that all year.

Don't worry; I won't go so far as sticking a pin in a voodoo doll - not for you, precious, how could I do that? We save the hardcore stuff for the regulars. Stand far away darling, is all I can say - we wouldn't want any pin ricochet. Hmmm... that rhymed -- too bad Bronson's outta town, he could use that lyric. lol

Anyway, saw your interview with TC and you looked pretty relaxed, and you went easy on us, your true fans and I appreciate it. Please just talk about those shitpieces you play for now -- you can think about us, but just don't talk about us. I don't even mind if you touch yourself while you're thinking of us .. in fact, I can go for a little while on that thought myself... I'm sick of hearing all these men crying about what comes out of your mouth. Its too bad they can't just do what I am doing, what the Enclave is doing. We've decided we can still be Johnny fans. Always Red Sox fans, never yankess fans.

I sat on my couch smiling last night - you were so beautiful - I had to make my husband come upstairs after your second at bat. heh heh

Oh, another weird thing; I dreamt about you A-GAIN. I can't remember anything about it, except that I woke up with a start in the middle of the night (so much for my morning hormones theory... lol) and started bawling my eyes out. I nearly choked from trying to keep it quiet so as not to wake my dh next to me.... man it was awful, the tears were just jumping out of my head... ah well. It is what it is. The worst thing of all is not getting to see you almost every evening of the summer. That's just the worst, and .... most unfair thing of all. And no, I'm not buying YES and listen to those buffoons cut up the Red Sox and be so snarky about how 'they stole you from us' blah blah blah. I know because some Enclavers are in the YES Network area and they say they are awful. They can go 'fuck themselves up they own ass'... that would be nice. They will get theirs. Why does this not surprise me, that the YES commentators are assholes? That superiority complex seems to prevail in everything to do with that team, especially their fans. I hope to see your team fail again this year and then watch the whole damn thing implode. That will be enjoyable. (psssst* You'll get a lot of the blame, my friend - watch out)

I am proud that we have Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo who have CLASS. They mentioned afraud and Steinbrenner and all and were completely respectful. And Jerry gave a nice little speech about (after they showed your Top 10 highlights of your Red Sox years... *sigh) how you deserved to be remembered for all of the great things you did for us all those years. As your rep out here who does more to promote you than myself, you'll be happy to know I emailed Remdawg this morning and thanked him for that and commended them for their grace. He wrote back to me and said thank YOU. If the Red Sox were the anti-yankees, then they are the anti-YES commentators.

I love you.

Another One Gone

Bronson. Little by little this heartless front office chips away at our most cherished memory in New England sports history. I am starting to (starting??) to really despise these 'numbers men'. They totally disregard the passion in the game of baseball - of the fans' affection and feelings for our champions. They expect us to stay loyal and devoted to them, but they have no loyalty themselves.

Bronson Arroyo: One of the 25. Thanks, man. Good luck - hopefully you'll be appreciated in Cincy.


------------------------------------

EDITED LATER: I just read an article where you say this:
"They have their plans, and they have their computers, and they believe that's right," Damon said. "Unfortunately, computers don't judge a person's heart.

"As important as I was to that team, Billy Mueller was just as important. Kevin Millar was just as important. Certain players have numbers that might be sexy, but what's lost is when you get a good core of guys, it goes under the radar."

"...computers don't judge a person's heart..."

I couldn't agree more, my darling. You'd think I'd said that myself.

I Had Another Dream

.... about YOU. Man, this makes three dreams in ... well, I don't even remember when the first one was, but this makes two dreams in less than two weeks. (The last one was March 12 or so) -- Real dreams -- that feel like you and I are right there together, for real. It's so awesome. I am going to have to take the time and write about them...I've told a couple of them to the Enclavers... they might be a little jealous of me having you in my dreams at night. But I'm glad I've had them - I'll just say that you and I were sleeping out in the woods together. Other people were there, and the feeling was like we were outcasts on the move - like Robin Hood and his men - why we were refugees on the run, I don't know. There was like a large mattress or something and you were laying on the ground to my left, in the damp leaves and cold ground (being polite and a gentleman) LOL, and I leaned over to you, put my face over your right shoulder and said in your ear "You don't have to lay there, come up here" onto the mattress and you looked at me gratefully and did. We were so tired. And I lied there, I could feel your body next to me, your back to me and all I could think of was trying to keep my hands off you as long as possible. I didn't want to alarm you, I wanted to be polite too. Eventually I fell asleep (in my dream... ??!! lol) and when I woke up I was in your embrace. Your big arms were wrapped around me and my face was pressed up against your neck. It was so warm and secure, I was in heaven. It felt so wonderful and real - knowing it was you. Dammit, dude, I am loving these dreams! LOL I do hope they keep up -- I'll be sure and tell you about them when they do.

USA Loses....

Thanks yankess -- thanks for choking.... A-GAIN. Ahog: 0 for 3, Jeter: 0 for 4. Oh, but Jon Miller & Co. was just about yanking themselves (yank-ing.. hmm. how significant..) over those two. It's sickening. I pray so much that come November everyone is talking about them -- and how they CHOKED. Again.

I left early and didn't see you go in to pinch-run.
Too bad -- I could've used the view of your lovely derriere running the bases. I don't get enough of that now. The simplest things give me pleasure. I did get to see your face in the dugout in the beginning for a moment. It's really the only reason I watched to tell the truth. Let's Go Big Papi! Actually, I haven't rooted for the US anyway because there's too many mfyankess that are being dripped over on that team, so I was hoping Big Papi would kick our/THEIR asses one more time just for shitsnfuns in the bottom of the 12th of the finals.

The good news is that ahog and jeter were the focus of all of the networks and symbolized the US team. Hence, the failure of the US team (and their lack of contribution) falls on their shoulders. The sickening part of watching this tourney was that they showed those two ALL THE TIME in the dugout -- they were the epitome of this squad, right? The spotlight. YOU were highlighted with them in the beginning... until you got benched/hurt. Lucky for you they stopped showing you with them... maybe you won't be associated with their FAILURE as much. At least in the WBC.

And hey: how many times did Jon Miller have to say "THIS could be the LAST game/inning/pitch/finger lick of Roger Clemens' career!" oooh - who really gives a damn? Frickin' Boston stood and cheered his exit years ago - just frickin' retire already - nobody really cares. You have become the Michael Jordan of baseball - just GTFOutta here. I don't want you on the Red Sox and overpaying for you.

Anyway, darling, it will be interesting to see how your shoulder holds up this summer. Like I said, if the yankess can lose it all in the end and you don't have to be in pain, that would be perfect.. but... only time will tell. I guess I'm becoming hardened to the fact that you are a frickin' skank yank now... it bothers me to no end because I don't think it's going to benefit you like you thought... its all just wrong, you know. Lots of things -- well, never mind, won't go there. At some point something will happen that is mentionable, and I WILL then mention it. Until then -- it is unspeakable.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when you pull up and have to hear from your new "Boss(es)". Welcome home, sweetheart. I hope someday I can really say that. Somehow...

The whole Red Sox/MLB season lays open before us ... its going to be (I hope) interesting and (I really, really hope) enjoyable. I have an idea how parts of it are gonna shake down, but its really just desire. How I want them to be - let's see how close it comes to being what I want.

I miss you. Dammit, I'm really going to miss those locker room interviews after a game... wet hair, wet shoulders. It was just the best part of the day... Son of a bitch -- its just not fair, I don't ask for much - why the f*ck couldn't I just still have that? LOL

You were so precious and enjoyable. I hate the Red Sox FO. I just hate (OK I don't like the word hate, I don't really hate anything, but its such a descriptive word!)... let it be known post hence that when I say I hate something I just REALLY REALLY REALLY dislike the mf thing immensely. But the only thing I really hate, is the word hate. Anyway, I just REALLY REALLY REALLY dislike the mf Red Sox FO - the whole lot especially Theo and those two dipshits who sat in for him and danced to his little tune while he pulled the strings - lying to all of us. How dare they? Cowards.

'nother day

Well.... again - I should learn not to write when things are piled up like shit on a shovel because it makes for a very down experience. lol Look - things are sucky, yes, but it will not be the end of the world and it's just going to be what its going to be, so wtf can I do about it all - nothing. I am going to have to find another blog to cry in because that's not what this one is for - this one is for YOU.

And what I thought was maybe true - may be. The last at bat I saw you take in the WBC, I had a feeling your shoulder wasn't feeling too terrific, I could just tell by watching you move, your swing - and your face. Now you've been 'benched' -- and now you're admitting its because your shoulder is sore -- already. I wish so much I could tell you that I hope you recover from it quickly and are able to play well, but I can't. Well, I don't know, that hurts me to say that -
do I love you more or hate the mfy's more?
It's imperative the mfys not win it all this year. That I do know. If that can happen and you not be in pain, then that would be perfect.

I wish so much I could enjoy you and root for you like I used to. This is the ultimate warped love affair. The articles today say you called Cashman -- hmm - who called who! I see Steinbrenner up in his big obnoxious smelly black leather lounger clutching his chest and popping Tums yelling at Cashman - "Get Damon on the phone! Find out what's wrong!" -- by the way he's been in that perpetual chest clutch ever since Jeter took one off the foot the other day....

LOL!

Just come home.

I think God hates me

Okay, well, I really hate to do this but if I don't... then, why do I have this stupid blog to talk to when I can't express myself in real life, then I can't do it here, then what's the point? I hate to be such a downer but life is SUCKING SO ROYALLY right now -- I sometimes feel like I am never going to see ... good things again.

Hey, the good news is that some posts back I asked God to throw me a bone and he did. I got the thing in the mail that was a nice surprise so -- gee whiz, the Big Dude God threw me a bone. OK, it was one of those crumbly dog cookie type bones - and definately the ones made for SMALL dogs, oh, but hey -- I wasn't specific, was I, God? That's what it was. Thanks for the fucking kibble biscuit. All accolades backatcha. Here's the saddest thing: I'm entirely grateful for the crumbs...
Never thought of myself as a frigging lap dog type, but hey - WTF do I know? Let me answer that: NOTHING.

Right now - my darling, because this is supposed to be written to you, right - my life .... *thinks* ... yes, quite definately my life has never been suckier! YAY! A new low at a new high - a new level breached! Everything -- has been for naught. Everything -- has been a waste. A waste.

I see no happiness right now. I see no happiness coming. Yet some get everything and they don't deserve it. I hate them - I hate hypocrits - I hate.

And I'm not a hater.

God hates me - why?? I've spent my life talking Him up, believing, trying to live a good life, trying to be the right kind of person, not materialistic, fake, glittery, phony, whorey, mean, ungrateful, selfish, greedy, rude, hurtful and all those other things that I thought I was supposed to not be. But it doesn't pay, in the end. I should've been different - I should've been fake and a whore and mean and greedy and the type of person who steps all over others to get what I want - I SHOULD'VE BEEN!

But I was nice. NICE. Hmm... I'm dredging up an old adage here: 'NICE GUYS FINISH LAST.' I learned it before, but I didn't take the lesson early enough. And if I try and pray to Jesus, but I'm not sure that I even believe in God, then where does Jesus fit in here? How can you pray and believe in one and not the other? Which makes me feel stupid, like I've been a fucking sheep and accepting this brainwashing all of my life! FOR WHAT???!!!!

Talk about a crisis of faith -

You know what's the worst part of all of this? It all just comes down to money. Just X amount of money solves all the problems in this case. Fucking Money. What so many freaking people out there obviously have too much of? I don't have enough of. And I see no way of getting it. No way. Fucking money. Well, I guess all those years of trying to stand for what I thought was right in life and not being overly driven to accumulate money is really paying off now. Yup, I was totally wrong. I should've been more image conscious, materialistic and greedy. Dammit. I should've PURSUED CASH. But I didn't - like some stupid retard I tried to live my life and teach my kid that there were more important things in life, like love, and happiness, and fucking flowers and puppies and kittens and. WTF. All things that can't be bought with money. Bull Fucking Shit.


God hates me. That's what it is.


Hate him back; it works for me.

The Highly Underrated Element of Surprise

I have a lot of things to write about. I am so glad I am finally alone so I can write. I am going to start with the best and most important thing.

Let me start by saying -- It is a very rare thing... to surprise me. I never get surprised anymore. I mean, truly, surprised by the unexpected. I'm the type of person I often know what is going to happen before it happens - its just the way I've always been. In life, in situations, what is going to happen five minutes from now as well as well off into the distance. I, 9 times out of 10, figure out what Christmas and birthday gifts are coming to me, despite the fact that I don't want to know. My son, in his excitement always wants to give me hints and I beg him not to -- 'I don't care what you give me, sweetheart - but I want to be surprised, whatever it is!' I hate figuring it out. I always know the punch lines of comics, of tv shows - I can see it building to its inevitable conclusion five lines in advance.. those comics that I truly like are the ones who don't hand me the pat joke - the ones who surprise me. Who make me laugh so hard because I had to work for it a little and didn't see it coming.

You, my darling.... surprised me Thursday. Here I was sitting here minding my own business - doing the corporate taxes of all things - and the mailman came. So I always get out there quickly because I never know when another one of my baseball cards is going to arrive *blush* - and.... weeeel, that's part of my 'secret life' so.... if discretion is the better part of valor, it is indeed true - cowardice is the better part of discretion.

No cards this day but the regular junk and a big manila envelope with my name and address hand written on it in black sharpie. I bring it all in and plop it down in the mail plopping place... back to the interminable taxes. Have to keep my brain focused on numbers, because.... well, numbers are sort of not my thing, really. A necessary evil in an artist's life, but not my thing.

About an hour later I get up to get a cup of tea and ... hmmm... this manila envelope is intriguing... something is drawing me to it. I figured it was just another art show application or something, but there's no return address. So I open it - its taped shut. As I peer inside to pull out the contents, I barely get my hand on the item before I realize what it is.... WHO would send this to me? is the first thing I ask myself. I pull it out - and its an 8x10 glossy photo of YOU, my dearest.

And its signed by you. All I can think of is -- who sent me this? I mean, this is great, I have plenty of people who know how much I love you (well, they don't know how much, lol) but there's nothing else inside here, no return address - ah, but wait -- what is this attached to the back of the photo? Folded paper - my jaw dropped open.. I open it up and ... I'm telling you I think my heart stopped. I know it stopped. It was a letter I sent you last September - you had been injured and out for several games - alarming in itself, you being you, but here we were only one game behind the hated mfy's. I just wanted to tell you that I hoped you were yourself. You were coming back that night. And we needed you to WIN.

And I told you that I felt very strongly, that I feared - you wouldn't be coming back to the Red Sox. I even mentioned how I hoped you didn't end up with the yankees - how I couldn't bear to hear you booed. These are just the types of things I hate being right about.

I had sent you two special t-shirts. As a token of my admiration and affection. And then I saw it - you wrote down the bottom - again in black sharpie: 'THANKS FOR SHIRTS! AWESOME!! (underlined.... twice)

I could die. Of joy. Of surprise. The intake of breath was audible - between an 'oh!' and a gurgling death throe, I'm sure. I never thought I was ever going to know for sure if you received them, unless I ever saw a photo of you wearing one (ok, then I would have a cardiac arrest for sure) - I was wondering if some Fenway janitors were walking about in my shirts down there at the pahk ... lol
I don't fool myself that maybe someone else did this, maybe James, or someone else designated to answer fan mail, but in my heart and mind I'll always believe it was you - I can tell the comment was written by a left-handed person, that I know. And the word 'awesome' ? Well, that is def a JD word if I ever heard one!

I was as giddy as a schoolgirl who had received a stolen kiss from the object of her affection at recess. I had a very difficult time writing the numbers after that, my hands were shaking so much. Everything was shaking - my entire body was trembling.

A Russian poet, Boris Pasternak, (who wrote Dr.Zhivago) said:

"Surprise is the greatest gift which life can grant us."

You surprised me, JD.
You really, really surprised me. For that alone, I could thank you but - I ... I just can't believe you acknowledged my gift - and sent me one in return.

Like 'Dr. Zhivago' - its epic.
Thank you so much.


(now if you're looking for something to do with just a lock of that hair...) :)

Here's the other good stuff that happened the last few days -

and I had another dream -- I'll write that sometime and maybe I should put my original dream I had up too.... man, that one was gooooooo-ood. Yah. Real good. I should have a dream like that every night. ;)

Welcome to My Midlife Crisis

Sorry about the horny wine post... I'm thinking I should delete it, but why? You'll never see it and I really don't care who else in the world does. Putting your deepest secrets out on the www is like running around naked in Times Square. It feels daring and dangerous and wild and ... dangerous.

When am i going to get over this whole thing? get over you?
Sometimes I think i'm getting over it. Some days I am definately on my way to getting over it (usually when you say something stupid like how great it is to be a mfy *barf*). Then the next day I can't stop thinking about you.
I hope so much you fade away. why won't you?

Its like that song "My Immortal" -

"and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is much too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase."

I think that one day there will be one last post here and that'll be it. I just won't come back, won't be interested anymore - I'll be over you. I expect it to rush out of my life as blustery as it rushed in. And this thing will just be a little time capsule. An insignificant point in time. As much as I look forward to that day, there is also a huge part of me that doesn't want it to go.
I hope I can take with me all of the beauty you brought to my life -- there is something about you I can't quite put my finger on, but .. I don't know any other way to put it than you made me feel beautiful. I don't know why and I don't know how. I am going to have to let you go to the point where I don't care anymore. I don't want to be monitoring the yankees - I HATE the yankees.
I want them to lose. I want you to lose.

Someday this war's gonna end...

Someday I just won't be back.

Someday.

Aural Sex

Check out my Flash mp3 player to the right... Click on "Brush With The Blues" -- Aural Sex: Nope - I didn't mispell it. I'm talking music that brings forth that.... vivid urge. Ohh yea ... Bo Derek had "Bolero", but I've got "Brush With the Blues" by Jeff Beck. (Jeff Beck also had a song called "Beck's Bolero" -- hmmm.)

I purposely put this song on my playlist, darling, because when I hear it I can completely visualize seducing you to this .... I've made mad love to you a thousand times just to this song - let alone the myriad of others I can conjure up images of you with. I'd wish that you could hear it and feel what it would be like to make love to a real woman.

I also really like that song "Mouth" by Bush - but the 'Stingray' mix. That song definately... uh... gets one in the mood.. speaking of mouth, (lol, I edited this section.... I went a little too far .... but it certainly was true what I said!)
Maybe I should put that song on there too.. lol oh my Miss JTT is feeling particularly brutal this ev'nin'.

It helps to revert to this more animalistic fantasy of you than the reality. You just don't do it for me in midnite blue and stripes. Red was so definately your color. If that isn't bad enough, your constant sucking up to satan's minions can really douse the flame - no matter how hot it burns. Hey, at least it doesn't totally go out - not yet. One look at a photo or a certain song still makes the embers glow ... any time I choose I can ignite it and turn it into a roaring blaze. Actually, there's no 'choosing' in this scenario - it just happens. There's something about you - to me. I don't know what the hell happened or why, but it happened. I knew it when you first came to Boston. Little did I know my chosen one would become so famous, so desired. Well, no one has desired you more than I. But you left me.

Perhaps listening to sexy music that gets my glands going and sipping my second (third?) glass of red wine and thinking of you isn't such a good idea -- but it sure feels good. And these days, if something feels good ... I'm gonna do it. I may not deserve it, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

It's all part of this endless winter of my discontent ...its been so hard this year - like I said, anything to feel good...

In my heart and my memory and in my body - you can make me feel good. Incredibly good. And I'm glad for it.
(I'm sure the dh is too..)

Keep listening; turn it up. WAY up. The best part's coming. ;)
I think when I die and go to heaven (*cough) - if God asks me one thing I'd like ... its going to be dazzling you to this song...

Stella Gets Her Groove Back

heh heh
Man, she sure did. Its so funny, this midlife crisis thing for some of us ladies. Such a good girl I was my whole life - and now... I wonder why. lol Not really; I guess I wouldn't change who I was or who I am now, but life sure is a lot better now that my libido (aka 'Stella')checked in ... "nice to meet you - you took your sweet ass time, but better late than never." Actually, it only left for a time there, but long enough to think it would never come back... but sure enough, I remember the night well that Stella came roaring in - and thankfully has decided to stay... I don't know why I picture her as a 'Stella' - I think its because she is the type of woman who could make a man drop to his knees in the street and scream her name in a primal wail like in "Streetcar Named Desire."

So 'Stella' is here and has taken over that sweet 'Gidget' I always was... and I think you're the one who summoned her, dearest.

I'm quite sure it is all your fault.

Thank you.

Tool!!

My God, dearest -- what is this? WHY are you allowing yourself to become such a goddamn tool for the mfy's?? I'm begging you to please be your real self and stop sucking up to Jeter and Arod of all people. It's humiliating.

You don't have to suck up to those bastards - they are going to eat you up and kill you inside - have the attitude "you can kiss my 21st Century World Series Winning Ass." Fuck them!! I am sick already of you kissing up to Steinbrenner. Have some pride! And by the way, if you haven't noticed -- that old man is definately horny for you - I would keep my ass cheeks firmly flexed closed if he comes up quick behind you...

I stated in another post that I haven't seen you in those gay pants yet -- well, I just did. Who is that guy?
You don't look right - my god - that isn't you. You just don't look right. And you should know I don't care about the hair (ok, I loved the hair, but its not just about that) - I wouldn't care if you were bald like your Dunkin Donuts commercial -- but.... you just don't look like yourself and I've watched every interview and video available online and.... you just don't look right. In your eyes. You still don't look happy.

Dammit - I hate to see this. It sucks so royally.
STOP BEING SUCH A TOOL!!!!!!!


by the way, that NY bimbo was wrong -- you don't look good in a mfy uniform. She just wants a piece of you -- she won't be around for long and def not in the end - in fact I'll bet she doesn't know shit about baseball. What could be more uninformed than a newbie mfyf, I ask you.

OH and speaking of uninformed - your new manager says about you "he doesn't need to show us who he is, everyone knows who he is.." - except him. Tell him your name is JOHNNY, not "John". Don't let them turn you into a friggin' Stepford Yankee. And here's a suggestion - start calling him "Joey" - see how he likes it.

EDIT: re: situation below. Everything will work out. It'll all be what it is to be, that's all.

...... .......

I don't know what to say except I hope so much I can come back here later today with good news and a more positive attitude... things are just falling apart and I don't think there's anything I can do to change it, and I hate that feeling.

I just can't write more until I know the outcome.

I need some major positive mojo right now. Please send me your mojo..

A Day Can Make a Difference

OK, today I feel better. Things are still tense around here, but f*ck it, who am I the Winston Churchill of this family? Actually, I am.. more like the Johnny Cochran.

Anyway, I am just going to quickly say how cool it was for you to say Happy Valentines Day. I said that you made my day and that is exactly what it was... it was the best thing to happen that day, and how pitiful is that!??
THANK YOU. It was like a beautiful little chocolate covered cherry gift from you.

The Enclave wants to attend a game on Aug. 18 - we are meeting from all over the country and even Europe. We have 4 tickets... we have to find some more, somehow. I have no idea how we are going to do this, since none of us are rich. F*cking scalpers suck and I wrote the Red Sox and told them so. $250 for a bleacher seat at Fenway???? Criminees!!! They should be strung up by their thumbs! At least - and I have some other suggestions actually....


EDIT: later -- ok I said yesterday that its overdue for something good to happen -- well its not yet, thats for sure... today got way worse than yesterday as it went on. Yah. Just.... way, way worse.

raw pain distress

< whine >
Sometimes I hate being an artist. Or artistic type. I can't just join the masses in their rat race jobs although I'm going to have to try and find a way to. I like to pretend God made people like me to put some color and fun in the world.... He wanted us to be different, to feel things more. The problem starts when things go bad - I think we feel them even deeper.

Crappy V.Day. Huge fight last night between dh and ds. Physical. Violence terrifies me, I guess. Even mild. I'm not used to it. This morning I didn't even say a word to either of them. Actually no one spoke a word to anyone. I just sat and stared at the fire in the woodstove. The second they left tears just started falling down my cheeks, everything is so built up.

Sometimes I just want to run away from my life. But I can't and wouldn't. I had built up a pretty good career in art and web design ... but I got tired of struggling all the time. Why couldn't God throw me a bone just once? Its always so hard. So I'm going to have to go find some job somewhere ... Jesus, I won't even ask anymore to find one that makes me happy; I've been looking for a long time but... I haven't seen anything even remotely that says 'me.' lol I wish I was the type of person who could just sit in a cubicle all day and survive. But I'm not.

I've been praying to God for soooo long .... but He doesn't listen. I'm starting to think everything is just random .. and its all just brainwashing. I shouldn't even write all this, it has nothing to do with here. But once I started writing, it seems its the only thing to do - to get it out. I may just post this for a while and then pull it. I'll probably look at it later today and say' loser!' It wouldn't take too much for me to swing the other way and be giddy happy.
Maybe its just cabin fever.
Winter. Give me green grass, warm sunshine .. and the crack of the bat.... and I can believe anything is possible again, I know I can. I need to do my walking in the woods without these damn snowshoes on, just my sneakers again - I need to get out.

I wake up every morning with a song in my head. Every day something different. Today it was that song in my background music, "Straight No Chaser".

"all the fallen down angels'
raw pain distress"

Maybe I'll just listen to some sad music today and think of you.
The law of averages says something good has got to happen sometime soon. lol Its like way overdue..

< /whine >

Happy Valentines Day

smileysmileysmileysmileysmiley :(

Sometimes I just want to get out of here.
But I never would.

Who else would have me?? lol

Happy Truck Day!

New England's answer to Groundhog Day comes this afternoon when the Red Sox equipment truck leaves Yawkey Way, bound for the team's spring training site in Fort Myers, Fla.

Its departure (scheduled for between 1:30 and 2 p.m.) is an annual sign of spring, an added measure of hope for many still digging out from what now seems to be the annual blizzard.

Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy ..... springtime. baseball. happy.
its so too bad you won't be there, but... I haven't felt this hopeful about baseball for quite awhile.

Thank You.

I can't believe that so many other people are wigged out about it, but I for one want to say 'thank you' for the full page ad in the Globe. Why not, it was a nice gesture.. some are saying too late -- who cares -- thank you.

Anything that comes from you to me is appreciated. You just have to realize how much you were loved. I hope you realize that.

This is going to be a very interesting baseball season for me. I will be following you-and so the mfy's much more than I ever have before, which is going to disturb me to no end -- no doubt this means I have to see Jeter and Arod's homely faces more often.... ugh. Pepto Bismol City. I should buy stock. *urp

Anyway, I haven't even seen you in those gay striped pants yet, but I can already tell you this: you will always look a thousand times better and sexier in those slightly baggy white ones. :) I always loved the way those rode on you ... do they allow you to go baggy in corporate muthafuckerville?? Just one of the myriad of things I can't wait to see as the season starts.

Did I ever tell you a few of the things that I love about you? Here's the biggest one: You don't spit. LOL You never spit!!! My Lord, I swear Millar had a bad season because he was dehydrated all the time.. - by the way, I sure will miss that dude. And Billy. *sigh - its so sad its all over.
Anyway ... you just spit seeds in the dugout. Can you eat seeds in the mfy dugout? Are you allowed to snack? Never seen a mfy snacking. As a mom it pleases me to no end to see my intense Tek scarfing down a package of peaches in between innings! LOL --

I also love the fact that you don't... er..... grapple with yourself..um, you know, 'adjust' yourself. Never seen you 'adjust' yourself, like so many other ball players. Most of the time I don't even think anything needs adjusting -- they just do it. You're so classy when you're on the field, JD, I LOVE that.

Well, how I got off on that I don't know, but... just wanted to say I thought the ad was a classy move. Who the hell cares what the dorks in RSN think? They've all been 'Shaughnessyized' for so long, they don't even know when they're happy or sad. The thing is they won't admit -- they loved you so much and miss you so much, but they can't admit it, so they lash out. I know, I can see that. I hope you can too.
Oh, by the way.... Yankees Suck, darling. Yup.

Transition

All that money. All that money. But are you happy? Will you be happy? You sure do seem to be pissing off a lot of people. I mean, that's obviously going to happen with Red Sox Nation... but do you have to try and pull Manny and Papi into it? Just to appease those other fans? You know, you're new ones. The ones that came on your website the days after you signed it all away like a pack of playground bullies hepped up on pcp? Yah, those ones. The ones that just booed you at a Rangers game. Sweet. That is one fucked up city. Good luck with that.

I knew you were so sad the first days after you did the bad thing -- the cyberwives could see it in your eyes. Not many others could at first, but day after day you kept coming out and spilling your heart about how you felt -- it was devastating for us to hear. Then the rest could see, 'yeah, he is hurting over this. Maybe it wasn't entirely his choice.'

Then we were like, 'ok, you have to stop this because the mfy fans must be getting pissed that you're pining for us' and sure enough, to read the forums they were indeed pissed and still are. So now you're going the other way - I'm sure its been 'suggested' to you, 'hints dropped' for you to start acting like (and this is the most ludicrous, laughable title in the history of the world, but... LOL) that "true yankee." *puffs out chest, rest of world pukes*

Perhaps Arod gave you that hint at dinner.... he must be giddy, that one. Here you are, the new sacrificial lamb and ALL THE PRESSURE'S OFF HIM FINALLY. You're the new pincushion. I feel sorry for you that you are surrounded by phonies and people with their own agendas, who don't make your own best interests theirs.

But hey - you signed the paper. You're a big boy. You chose the money after all. I understand you're a proud guy. But you can't put a price on happiness. I wish you'd taken the Sox's offer and showed them up to spite them anyway. Well, you'll try to do that and have your extra $3 mill a year and we'll see in the end how it turns out.
But I sure hate to see that proud lion put in that gilded cage; trimmed and clipped and monitored. And you'll be expected to perform their tricks, you'll learn to, because the whip and the chair are too humiliating if you don't.

At this point in time, you can't win. You know as I know that you just want to get on that field and prove yourself because that's the only way you will be able to. I hate to have to root against you -- but I'm loyal. I can't wish you a successful season - you took that from me, you took the joy out of watching you play. And that's just wrong.

The Horror; The Horror

Well, what I most feared has happened. No, what I feared would happen, happened - but I never thought that the Absolute Worst Thing That Could Happen --- would happen.

Its been three weeks since JD went to (of all things!) the M.F. yankees - and its a good thing I've waited to write anything about it because I am coming to terms with it, slowly but surely. Well, I have no f*cking choice. I've gone through about every emotion during this time, from being absolutely PISSED at him to being absolutely PISSED at the Red Sox front office, to being hurt, depressed, to now - just being unhappy that I have to reconcile all of this as a reality that isn't going to change.

I fantasized for awhile that we'd have some kind of Christmas Miracle - he'd change his mind, flunk his physical, there would be some way out and he'd realize he'd made a huge mistake and grab it -- but that didn't happen. That he'd look at that horrible hat he was about to put on his head at his press conference and say "I'm sorry; no way - I just can't do it." I cajoled him through the tv - 'don't do it ... please don't do it!' But, alas; just like Grady Little (who I can't believe didn't hear me screaming at him through the tv!) - he wasn't able to hear it or feel it, no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted him to.

I could write for hours about this, and maybe I will and maybe I won't. Right now, that's all I can say.

I Hate You

OK I don't hate you but I kind of hate you. I want to hate you. You dumb ass. I don't know what to believe, I want to believe that you didn't want to leave us, maybe jumped the gun and have regrets. I know you were hurting, my dearest, I saw several interviews and photos and you looked like you had maybe cried some in the previous day or two. The press conference where you put on that terrible shirt and hat - you DID NOT WANT TO PUT IT ON. I saw you hesitate. You knew that once you did that, your path was inexorably changed, all of the bonds broken. You felt the symbolism, but you weren't strong enough to say no. It was too late.

I kept hoping for a Christmas miracle - all of Red Sox Nation did, but it didn't happen. No resurrection after three days, no "I'm sorry, but I just can't do this". Thats so too bad, because that would have made you more famous than you could ever imagine (if that is part of your goal after all, I think you may have been brainwashed), you would be remembered as a pro athlete who chose love over money, after all. You would've been..... immortal.

But it turns out, you're Just Another Guy. A JAG, Parcells calls it. And maybe that's your goal - maybe you just want to be obscure again, maybe you want to be known just for your baseball playing, maybe you just want to win. I personally don't buy that last part; like a fairweather mfy fan - its easy to root for a team who buys everything, whether it makes sense fiscally or organizationally or not. Fans who say 'who cares who uses steroids, as long as we win', who need their team to be so topheavy that its a joke to have the Yankees and the Royals in the same league basically, because its not a fair system. You expect us to believe that you would rather go to NY and play on that stacked team and have (if you're so lucky) a hollow victory (which it basically would be) than to have another season like 2004, where you were on a team that slayed them?? David killing Goliath?? That wasn't more rewarding? You truly don't think that could happen again? You'd rather GIVE UP and just cruise to a winning season? That's what it is, you know.

I never thought that of you, but maybe..... no, there's more, there has to be more than that. Did you do it for your wife? So maybe you did it partly for her, maybe that will work out for her.... um.. you. If you did it for love, well that's something else. Love for her vs. our love for you. I guess I could live with that.

And then there's the money. And you're a guy and you're all in on that "pro athlete/money = respect thing". You know what, just say it, just admit it if its true. I can't believe that that is it though. I think its 'cause you're proud, and you should be and they didn't treat you right, the Red Sox. I'm so mad at Theo Epstein right now, I could just burst!

I'm so disappointed, I can't even say. I haven't even been able to write about it until now. All the years I've followed you and admired your skills and then your personality when it blossomed in Boston, you never disappointed me. But now this. The Yankees????? I felt like I knew you, really I did. But I guess I didn't. You had us all fooled.


But you're not that good of an actor.... not by a long shot. You were seriously despondent there for awhile after you signed with satan. I think you may have wanted out, but yep - you sold your soul alright, darling. Several times in things I saw on tv I seriously thought you'd bust out crying. Nope, you're not that good of an actor. I really think you have a soft heart. I really think if you dared to take the time to analyze it (but you don't dare, do you sweet?), you'd have to admit to yourself you made a mistake.

Only time will tell - depending on your real goals and needs. I don't pretend to think I know what those are anymore. But I'm the type of person I would choose a different scenario, I know I would. You had it ALL in Boston. I mean, you had a legacy that you threw away. You were, in my opinion, the most adored Red Sox player ever. That I've ever seen. You could possibly have been one of the most loved sports heroes in Boston and all over - do you know how many Red Sox fans there are around the world?? Of course you do. Can you just throw away a nation's adoration?? That's amazing to me. It must've been something very strong to pull your heart away from us. And you can just go on, and we stay here with a broken heart. That's ok, it'll heal, we still have THE TEAM. That Team thats been around longer than all of us and will continue long after we're all done. The greatest team in the world.

You stole our Christmas and you stole my being able to glory in your accomplishments. I can't root for you anymore, I have to hope you fail. Do you know how that feels to hope someone you love fails? Its not right, man. Why did you do that to me?

Sometimes I hate you. I love you, but right now I hate you too.

Welcome to the DJDFORSN. Disgruntled Johnny Damon Fans of Red Sox Nation....

This blog is being tested as a possible overflow area for disgruntled Red Sox fans in the event that Johnny Damon does not re-sign with the Red Sox. We still want to be able to chat with each other if it happens, but we may not want to do it through his web site -- so we are exploring alternatives. This is the first attempt - so we'll see how it goes, and.... hopefully we won't even NEED IT.